I’m back bitches

I know it’s been a long time, but I’ve been away on an epic adventure that I couldn’t tell any of you about because of its top-secret nature. But now that I’m home safe, and back on the Intraweb, well, I’m free to tell my tale. And what a tale it is. So grab your joints, pull on your Snuggie and get ready for some semi-serious reading.

First things first, I know you’re wondering, “Where the hell has he been for the last two months?” And I’ll tell you right now, that’s not the question you should be asking. You should be asking, “What the fuck am I doing wearing a Snuggie?” After you’ve figured that out, you should be asking yourself, “Where’s my lighter?” Once you’ve taken care of that, it’s time to grab some cookies or Doritos (by the way, I’m now sponsored, so I got $1 for mentioning Doritos. Now I’ve made $2) or whatever kind of munchies you’re craving because now is time for you to ask, “Where the hell has he been for the last two months?”

Now that my lawyers have assured me I can actually talk about it, I’ll tell you what I was up to. I was roaming the globe fighting unicorn slavery. And you wouldn’t believe some of the shit people put unicorns through. As they say in Germany, “It’s fatastico!” Some forced them to make candy floss with their magical horn (it was delicious). These same people also bottle and sell their iridescent urine, which is a shockingly popular energy drink in the south of France. Others used them to fly their kids to and from school. But that was nothing compared to what I saw in Japan. There, unicorns are forced to spend days (and often nights) trapped in a studio recording remixes of North American pop music. (Surprisingly, when they covered Nickleback, I didn’t want to ram a burning cigarette into my ears.)

As you can see, unicorn slavery is a horrible thing. If human beings had to go through that kind of stuff, the UN and a bunch of other hippie types would be up in arms. But when it’s a magical, mythical creature, well, no one cares. Except for me. Unfortunately, I’m not in possession of any magical fairy dust, so at the time of my return, I was unable to free any unicorns.

Now some of you may consider this a failed mission. I sort of do. But, as my Mom taught me, there’s always a bright side. And if you had the chance to sample half of the strains of weed I did during my travels, you would see the bright side (and a few other things) and consider my mission a success. As I do.

So there you have. That’s where I’ve been. It was quite the adventure. And now that I’m back, bitches, I’ve got to say, what the fuck are you doing wearing a goddamn Snuggie?

Tags: Nickleback sucks, Snuggie, top-secret mission, unicorns, weed