Things Bo don’t know

What T-Pain sounds like without auto-tune
How to say no to his Mama’s cooking
Who the hell Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton are
How they put the wonder in Wonder bread
Why Amy Winehouse won’t go to rehab
How to beat around the bush
What’s going on with the economic bailout
The Colonel’s secret recipe
What’s the point of Twitter
Why Barry Bonds head is so big (literally and figuratively)
How nobody has yet to figure out that Clark Kent is Superman
Diddley

Parent Teacher Day

MR. WILLIAMS: Mr. and Mrs. … Chown. Your child is… Aaron. Aw, yes, yes, yes. It’s nice to finally meet you.
MOM: Likewise.
MR. WILLIAMS: Your son is, um, a very interesting boy – to say the least.
DAD: We know, he has potential, he’s just not doing anything about it.
MR. WILLIAMS: That’s one way to put it.
DAD: What’s another?
MR. WILLIAMS: Well… I… has anyone else talked to you about him?
MOM: No.
MR. WILLIAMS: Okay then. Here’s the thing. Your son… um… well, he believes he’s a… what’s the term he uses… a Jedi Knight.
MOM: He does have quite an imagination.
MR. WILLIAMS: I agree. He’s a very creative boy. It’s just… well… he, uh, seems to be taking the whole “Jedi” thing quite… literally.

A conversation between Tori Spelling’s literary agent and ghostwriter

LITERARY AGENT: So, Tori called, she’s thinking about writing another book.
GHOSTWRITER: You mean she wants me to write another book for her.
LA: Pretty much.
GW: So what’s this one about?
LA: She was hoping you’d have some ideas.
GW: Again. Do you know how the idea for the first book came about?
LA: I’ve heard some stories.
GW: Did you hear about how she used to call me when she was wasted, talk about wanting to “write” a memoir and then proceed to summarize old episodes of 90210 claiming they were based on her life and ask me to “pretty them up” for the book?
LA: Yeah. That one got around.
GW: Did you know each time she was a different character?
LA: (stifling a laugh) I hadn’t heard that part. Hey, how about the story behind the book’s title? Is it true that you got the idea to name it sTORI TELLING because she’s notorious for signing her name wrong?
GW: No comment.

My Greatest Creation

Though I’m halfway decent with words, I have news that far outweighs anything else I’ve ever done.

On July 6th, my wife gave birth to our first child, a little boy.

Say hello to Felix Wahe Chown.

How to tell a major league from a minor league baseball player

Autographs. They are the lifeblood of super fans everywhere. And most will do anything to get a big star’s signature on whatever they can from a picture to a jersey to a ball to a boob. But in this never-ending quest to build a Hall of Fame-worthy collection, super fans, at times, get caught up in the chase and thereby overlook the level of fame of the person signing their collectible. One can only imagine the embarrassment they feel when, upon returning home to show off their newest addition, someone asks, “Who exactly is Dirk Wingate?” and they have absolutely no idea. A no-name signature not only diminishes the value of their collection, it can also seriously damage their reputation. Thankfully, by simply observing a few key points, one can easily distinguish a major league from a minor league ball player – and never again get the wrong autograph.

Crying: A Cultural Study on the History of Men and Tears

Over the course of the last twenty-one centuries – and probably earlier but that’s as far back as any research goes – a common belief has surfaced that men cannot, and do not, cry. Though there is some merit to this theory, it has yet to be verified as either true or false. So, in an effort to determine its plausibility, I have set out to conduct the definitive study on the subject.

Of the 100 men I approached to participate in my study, 101 declined to take part. As such, I was forced to gather my data the old-fashioned way: by observing my subjects in their natural surroundings without their prior consent. Though it proved to be rather time consuming (and resulted in a few restraining orders) my findings, I believe, will help us better understand crying and its relationship to the true manliness of men.

What follows is a small sample of the research I conducted.

Song names rejected by Coldplay before they finally decided on “Yellow”

Golden Poppy
If You Don’t Reciprocate My Love, I’ll Bleed Myself Dry
All The Things You Do That Make Me Wonder Why I Love You
Amber
Shinny Things That Make Me Think Of You
This Is The Song I Wrote For You
It’s What’s Under Your Skin & Bones That Really Matters
Maize
I’m Drawing A Line In The Sand And If You Cross It It Means You Really Do Love Me (Please Cross It, Please)
I Don’t Know If You Know This, But I’m Kind Of In Love With You
Lemon

I am now accepting applications for the seat in my sidecar

Do you enjoy watching the sites whiz by at 100 mph? Do you love the sensation of the wind whipping through your mustache? Do you appreciate the nutritional value that comes with swallowing a bug? If any of these queries even remotely tickles your fancy then have I got some exciting news for you: The seat in my sidecar is now up for grabs.

As you rush off to update your resume, let me tell you a bit about myself, my bike Esmeralda, and lay down a few ground rules.

As the sole owner and operator, I am the one and only pilot – which is also one of the names that I ask for you to refer to me by. I’m also cool with: El Roaderino, Colonel Asphalt, or Bossanova (Boss for short).

Don’t worry, when in the mini-saddle you’ll have a road-worthy moniker too. Something like Side Pilot, or, depending on the journey, Little Leroy, #2, Starboard Admiral or Trooper.

As the Pilot, I will be responsible for choosing each destination, planning the route, selecting the playlist and scheduling pit stops. Now if you’re wondering: “What am I gonna do?” Let me tell you that, as the Side Pilot, first, you’ll have a number of responsibilities and second, you better check that attitude at the garage door.

Answers you should avoid when filling out your adoption papers

Everyone else is doing it
I don’t do men
Women are icky
Finding a child on the black market is more difficult than I expected
I’m stuck in a rut
Babies are so in right now
I haven’t had a drink in 2 hours
Octomom wouldn’t sell me one of hers

Guidelines, and other observations, you’ll find helpful when the time comes to compose your next “It’s not me, it’s you” mixtape.

In theory, making a mixtape requires nothing more than the motor skills necessary to press the play and record buttons simultaneously. In actuality, it is an art form. One that requires devilishly handsome good looks, a willingness to break someone’s heart without looking them in the eye, and the motor skills necessary to press the play and record buttons simultaneously. (Or, thanks in large part to today’s advanced technology, nothing more than the ability to drag and drop songs into a playlist then burn a CD.) On top of these attributes, there are also a number of intangible elements to consider when the time comes to compose a truly timeless mixtape.