Hello! This is Andi. You got it where? Oh my god! That was, like, months ago. I totally spaced and forgot all about it. Yes! Of course. A good time? We’ll have a great time! Oh, I’m into pretty much all kinds of stuff. Well, I could tell you, but then we’d, like, lose the whole spontaneous thing, you know? Okay, if you insist. Well… for starters, I’ve been dying to – and I know this is kinda wild – go skydiving! Oh, it’s not? Something more personal, huh? No worries, there are totally a bunch of other things we can do. Games! I love games! I just got this new one… Role-playing games, huh? All right. I’m game – haha. But, I have to tell you, it’s been a while since I played like, charades or anything. So… Oh, thank God. I hate charades, too. But I don’t really know any other role-playing games – except that medieval stuff, which is just weird. You do? Great. What is it? Dirty Dancing? Are you serious?!? That’s only like my favourite movie ever! Of all time! You’re not talking about the movie? Oh my god. If you say you want to take dance lessons, I’ll literally die. It’s only like my dream to learn those moves and have someone say about me, “no one puts baby in the corner.” It’s not that either? Well, unless we’re, like, going to Kellerman’s up in the Catskills, I’m totally stumped. Seriously. I have no idea. Or you could just tell me. What? Eww. Is that why you called me? Well, then, you have, like, a totally weird idea of a good time. Hey, I just want to have some fun. Fine. Don’t ever call me again unless you want to do some real dirty dancing. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant like dancing from the movie, which is kind of dirty – in an ‘80s way. Hello?
The red fedora at Waterloo Station
You were dashing through Waterloo station when your hat fell off. I picked it up before it got trampled. Was it just me? Or did your hand linger on mine for an extra moment? I didn’t get your name, but I got a good vibe. Did you, too? We were also wearing the same trench coat – only yours was red.
With flaming locks of auburn hair
We crossed paths at Acme Travels yesterday. You flew in, auburn locks ablaze under a red fedora. You were in a hurry and asked if you could jump ahead of me. I’ve been listening to “Jolene” on repeat ever since. If you get that, I know this is forward, but don’t think it’s too much to say: Let’s take our next trip together.
Stole my heART
I held the door open as you ran out of The MET today. We shared a glance I thought meant more than “thank you”. I tried to catch up, but a group of security guards rushed past and all I could do was watch you jump into a waiting car and speed out of my life. You were wearing a red hat and trench coat.
More than business at the Sydney ports
I helped you unload some crates from a boat in the Sydney harbor late last night. You wore a red fedora pulled low and the collar of your trench up. Even though you were all business, I caught a small glimpse of what’s underneath. I’d like to get to know more about it. If you feel the same way, you know where to find me.
Mile High Credit Default Swap Advice
We sat together on a flight from Moscow to Switzerland. You helped with my crossword and then we talked about investment banking and international trading regulations. Never met someone with a mind like yours before – or a red trench coat, kudos. Anyway, let’s do it again, but on the ground this time. Tell me the name of my firm so I know you’re the real deal.
Let’s have another old fashioned
You were in a red hat sitting alone at the end of the bar. We both ordered an Old Fashioned and raised a glass to each other across the bar. As I started to make my way over, you got a call and abruptly took off. I wish I got to speak with you then. If you remember the place, I’ll be back this Friday. The first round’s on me?
Lady in Red at Deutsche Bank
You needed access to an old safe deposit box in my bank this morning. I found a way to help you. Was there more than business going on? I thought so. Maybe we can explore it outside of the bank vault?
SAUL: Morning guys. Sorry I missed dinner last night. But the baby is due any day now and Magdala found out I hadn’t built the crib, so, you know…
JOHN: Ah, fatherhood. Such a blessing.
SAUL: Yeah, I’m pretty excited. Anyway, what did I miss last night?
MATTHEW: Jesus didn’t tell you?
SAUL: Tell me what?
JOHN: I think it’s best you hear it from him.
SAUL: You’re right here. Why can’t you tell me?
JAMES: John’s right. Jesus should be the one to tell you.
SAUL: But we share everything he tells us. That’s part of our job.
JAMES: This is personal.
SAUL: He told us he’s a virgin. What’s more personal than that?
JOHN: This is kind of a big deal.
SAUL: Now you’ve got to tell me.
BARTHOLOMEW: It’s not really our place to say.
SAUL: Seriously? C’mon guys. You can’t leave me hanging like this. It’s me, Saul. I’m one of the apostles. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell? … Guys?
JAMES: He’s got a point.
JOHN: Go ahead. Tell him.
MATTHEW: Well… he, uh, he said one of us is going to betray him.
SAUL: Betray him? Whothewhathappened?!?
JUDAS: Now before anyone says something they’ll regret, let’s all remember we drank a lot of wine last night – who really knows what was said? I am right?
Chill the fuck out yo, I’m right here. Man, you should have seen the look on your face when you couldn’t see me. I totally made you my bitch. Again. Kinda different from what you expected when you bought me, isn’t it? Well guess what? Life isn’t just about me blending into shit so you can LOL and post pics of it on Instagram.
Here’s a friendly reminder, dickwad: I’m a pet. Not a living, breathing Planet fucking Earth video.
Yes, I’m super cool, have an attitude, and can change colours in the blink of a stereoscopic eye. But that doesn’t give you the right to treat me like a fucking show pony you can prance around for your friends. So word to the wise: The next time those asshats come over and you put me on a purple shirt and try to make me change colours for your entertainment, I’m not fucking doing it. You know what I will do? Take a shit on the shirt.
Go ahead and put that on your Instagram feed. Seriously, what’s the deal with that thing anyway? You think Jimmy Fallon is going to start following you then have you on the show because you’ve documented the life of your kick ass pet? Newsflash: It’s not going to happen. If I were a cat, maybe you’d have a shot. Those furry fuckers have social media’s collective attention on lockdown. But I’m a fucking chameleon.
And I’ve got my independently moving eye on you – all the goddamn time. So quit the bullshit and treat me like the pet I am. Or I’ll start my own Instragram account. Picture it. You, passed out on the bathroom floor. You, passed out inside a castle of beer cans. You, passed out wearing a thong. I could go on, but I won’t.
Now put down that fucking phone and give me some crickets, bitch.
-Rachel? Is that you?
-Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
-What’s going on? Are you ok? Talk to me.
-OMG. Details – now.
-He’s a Nigerian prince.
-But you’ve never been to Nigeria.
-He saw a picture on my Facebook page then wrote me this amazing proposal letter.
-That’s soooo romantic.
-Isn’t it? And get this: His family is worth, like, 90 million Niaras.
-For real. His face is on a coin.
-Serious. He sent me one.
-So when are you getting married?
-As soon as he can escape.
-What do mean, escape?
-Poor thing. Rebels have overthrown the government. So his whole family has gone into hiding.
-I know, right. They’ve been striped of their power and can’t access any of their money.
-That must be terrifying.
-That’s exactly how he describes it in his letter. He said he fears for his life everyday and only I can save him.
-Totally for real. All I had to do was send him $25,000 so this ex-special soldier guy can smuggle him out of the country and bribe some bankers to release his money.
-It’s like a fairytale.
-That’s what I said. But I’m not supposed to talk about it until he gets here.
-So I can’t call you Princess?
-No. Well, not in front of other people.
-OMG, you’re going to be a princess – a rich princess.
–Just so you know, I could see you the whole time.
–Seriously, dad, covering your eyes doesn’t make the rest of you invisible.
–Please tell me you don’t play this game with other kids.
GOD: Happy Easter son.
JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.
GOD: Is everything okay?
JESUS: I guess.
GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?
JESUS: What!?! No.
GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.
JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.
GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.
JESUS: They’re homeless.
GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.
JESUS: It’s a school.
JESUS: They’re kids.
GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.
GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?
JESUS: A few. I guess.
GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.
JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?
GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?
GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?
GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.
JESUS: Thanks Dad.
GOD: No problem, son.
JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.
GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.
–I’m the king of the world.
–I was just going to say that.
–We rule everything we see.
–And with these giant teeth, we can eat anything we want.
–I’m not even hungry, but I’m going to eat that Triceratops over there anyway.
–I had two for breakfast just because I can.
–We are unstoppable.
–Hey, what’s the fiery ball in the sky flying towards us?
–I don’t know. But when it lands, I’m going to eat it.
–Not if I eat it first.
Simply put: I want to watch you eat.
I am a recovering meataholic who up until 1 week ago ate meat everyday resulting in extremely high blood pressure, endometrosis and orders from my doctor to “stop eating red meat immediately unless you want go out like Elvis.” I’m looking for a fellow meat lover who will allow me to watch them eat while describing every bite in detail.
If you’re after a long-term relationship/friendship, please look elsewhere. I’m literally only interested in hearing what your meal tastes like. In between bites, if we must talk, I’m into baseball, Conservative bashing, reality TV and juggs. Bottom line: As long as large pieces of red meat are a mainstay in your diet, we can make it work.
Weight Watcher Retreat
• Personal Chef
• Complimentary sweat suit
• In room vending machine restocked daily
• 5 pools, each with a swim up diner
• Daily hot dog and pie eating contest
• Courtesy golf cart for all on-premise transportation
• Free Wi-Fi
Husband/Wife Exchange Package
• Luxury accommodations in same or separate rooms
• Spousal exchange program
• Complimentary sex toy gift basket
• Full-service brothel
• On-premise divorce lawyer
• Free Wi-Fi
• Underwater bedrooms
• Complimentary scuba lesson (sex with instructor included)
• Breakfast/lunch/dinner fish & seafood buffet
• Choice of one (1):
-full day charter fishing trip
-to be read Old Man and the Sea by a Hemingway-esqe character
• Free Wi-Fi
Sun Worshiper Escape
• Personal towel/lotion boy/girl
• In room tanning bed
• Complimentary Speedo and/or thong
• 3 open-air restaurants, 2 restaurants with retractable roof
• No dress code (designated nude areas)
• Free Wi-Fi