I don’t know about you, but my favourite part of grocery shopping takes place in the produce section when I’m picking out the perfect avocado. I love those bitches so much I don’t even bother getting a basket or cart. I just head right for that crazy fruit and fondle those fuckers until I find a handful that are just right. And by just right I mean they should feel like a fake tit. You know, firm with just a bit of squishiness. That shit gets me so jacked sometimes I totally forget about the rest of the food on my list. I just grab an onion, some cilantro, stuff a few lemons in my pocket, and then its guaca-fucking-mole time, yo.
Let me tell you, that goddamn stuff is perfect for any occasion. Guac on Christmas day? Damn straight. Just bust out some green and red tortillas and it’s on. If colourful chips aren’t good enough for all you fuckers who want to post a pic of your holiday eats on Instagram, then slap a little guacamole down beside your cranberry sauce and you’ve got some seriously festive shit. Double tap that, mofo. You want to fuck around with guac in the fall? BAM! That’s some roasted corn up in there. Summertime twist? Those are cherry tomatoes from my home garden. What’s up now?
Oh, you’re meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Well, when they’re all like, “So, what do you do for a living?” “Oh, how do you afford this place on a freelance writer’s salary?” and, “What’s that smell?” You bust out some guacamole and suddenly motherfuckers are all, “I love guacamole” “Is that cilantro?” and, “What’s that smell?” Then you drop a bowl of hand ground, brick oven baked nacho chips on their ass – bitches flip for that artisanal shit – and they’re so busy going to town on the guac that they finally get off your nut about that “smell”.
Yahtzee! I didn’t just roll a Yahtzee. I’m also chowing down on guacamole while running roughshod over these jokers who think they can out-roll my ass and eat at the same time. That’s right, it’s the perfect dish for game night. You can eat with one hand and play with the other. Full fucking house, bitches.
Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered guacamole only to have your chips run out before the guac does? Well give that place the finger and pop by my pad, cuz I’ve got every type of chip you can imagine. Chips aren’t your thing? That’s all good, I’ve got crackers. Don’t fuck with crackers? No big deal, slap a big ass dollop of guac on a sandwich. Hell, I’ll get a hooker up in here if you want to eat some off the junk in her trunk. That’s how serious I am about guacamole.
Here’s another helpful hint about that freaky-ass fruit dish: it’s not just delicious every frickin’ day of the year, it’s also lethal. That’s right, pre-guac those sons of bitches double as a beat sack. If you’ve ever laid the smack down on someone with a bag or oranges, you know what I’m talking about. I know it ain’t pretty, but it’s the harsh truth. And it may come in handy the next time you’re heading home from the grocery store with a bag of avocados and a group of guys start asking, “What’s that smell?” and then try to steal your backpack.
Guess what? That’s not the only way it can save your life. Did you know a bowl of guacamole a day keeps the doctor away? Now you do. Because I just heard back from my MD and he told me my motherfucking cholesterol levels are down. And it’s not because I gave up red meat. Or beer. It’s because I eat guacamole every day. Sometimes twice a day. Put that in a bowl with lemon juice, salt and pepper, caramelized onions, and hot sauce and eat it, fuckers.
It’s pretty fucking good.