Hostessing tips from Martha Stewart’s ex-cellmate.

December 24, 2015


A good hostess begins looking after her guests the moment they walk in the door. So after you take their coat and pat them down, offer up a round of drinks right quick.

Eggnog is the traditional choice because, “It tastes like Christmas,” and “really gets you in the holiday spirit.” If you like to drink your pancakes, by all means serve eggnog. On the other hand, if you want to serve something totally different from anything your guests have ever tried before, I recommend Pruno. It’s super easy to make a batch at home – especially if you’ve got more than one bathtub. And, if you need to add some seasonal flavor, just toss a few cinnamon sticks and cloves up in there.

Another great way to spice up your party is with a gingerbread house contest.

Have the pieces and icing pre-made and decoration stations set up around the table.

Then get everyone to build a replica of you prison and use the decorations to leave a trail showing how they would escape. It’s guaranteed fun for the whole crew.

Merry Christmas!

Birthday Parties

Kids love themed birthday parties. So do I for a number of reasons. But here’s the thing, no matter how extravagant the theme, no matter how many helium balloons you’ve got, even if your parole officer does magic on the side, nothing beats the cake. Nothing! That’s all the kids really want. Here’s a fun and easy way to take the cake experience up a notch. It’s the perfect combination of two things everyone loves. You’re eating birthday cake when all of a sudden, hey, what’s this inside? Surprise, it’s a gift.

Happy Birthday indeed! Read the rest of this entry »

How fucking good is guacamole?

September 16, 2015

I don’t know about you, but my favourite part of grocery shopping takes place in the produce section when I’m picking out the perfect avocado. I love those bitches so much I don’t even bother getting a basket or cart. I just head right for that crazy fruit and fondle those fuckers until I find a handful that are just right. And by just right I mean they should feel like a fake tit. You know, firm with just a bit of squishiness. That shit gets me so jacked sometimes I totally forget about the rest of the food on my list. I just grab an onion, some cilantro, stuff a few lemons in my pocket, and then its guaca-fucking-mole time, yo.

Let me tell you, that goddamn stuff is perfect for any occasion. Guac on Christmas day? Damn straight. Just bust out some green and red tortillas and it’s on. If colourful chips aren’t good enough for all you fuckers who want to post a pic of your holiday eats on Instagram, then slap a little guacamole down beside your cranberry sauce and you’ve got some seriously festive shit. Double tap that, mofo. You want to fuck around with guac in the fall? BAM! That’s some roasted corn up in there. Summertime twist? Those are cherry tomatoes from my home garden. What’s up now?

Oh, you’re meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Well, when they’re all like, “So, what do you do for a living?” “Oh, how do you afford this place on a freelance writer’s salary?” and, “What’s that smell?” You bust out some guacamole and suddenly motherfuckers are all, “I love guacamole” “Is that cilantro?” and, “What’s that smell?” Then you drop a bowl of hand ground, brick oven baked nacho chips on their ass – bitches flip for that artisanal shit – and they’re so busy going to town on the guac that they finally get off your nut about that “smell”.

Yahtzee! I didn’t just roll a Yahtzee. I’m also chowing down on guacamole while running roughshod over these jokers who think they can out-roll my ass and eat at the same time. That’s right, it’s the perfect dish for game night. You can eat with one hand and play with the other. Full fucking house, bitches.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered guacamole only to have your chips run out before the guac does? Well give that place the finger and pop by my pad, cuz I’ve got every type of chip you can imagine. Chips aren’t your thing? That’s all good, I’ve got crackers. Don’t fuck with crackers? No big deal, slap a big ass dollop of guac on a sandwich. Hell, I’ll get a hooker up in here if you want to eat some off the junk in her trunk. That’s how serious I am about guacamole.

Here’s another helpful hint about that freaky-ass fruit dish: it’s not just delicious every frickin’ day of the year, it’s also lethal. That’s right, pre-guac those sons of bitches double as a beat sack. If you’ve ever laid the smack down on someone with a bag or oranges, you know what I’m talking about. I know it ain’t pretty, but it’s the harsh truth. And it may come in handy the next time you’re heading home from the grocery store with a bag of avocados and a group of guys start asking, “What’s that smell?” and then try to steal your backpack.

Guess what? That’s not the only way it can save your life. Did you know a bowl of guacamole a day keeps the doctor away? Now you do. Because I just heard back from my MD and he told me my motherfucking cholesterol levels are down. And it’s not because I gave up red meat. Or beer. It’s because I eat guacamole every day. Sometimes twice a day. Put that in a bowl with lemon juice, salt and pepper, caramelized onions, and hot sauce and eat it, fuckers.

It’s pretty fucking good.

For a good time call Andi, 647-618-5867

February 3, 2015

Hello! This is Andi. You got it where? Oh my god! That was, like, months ago. I totally spaced and forgot all about it. Yes! Of course. A good time? We’ll have a great time! Oh, I’m into pretty much all kinds of stuff. Well, I could tell you, but then we’d, like, lose the whole spontaneous thing, you know? Okay, if you insist. Well… for starters, I’ve been dying to – and I know this is kinda wild – go skydiving! Oh, it’s not? Something more personal, huh? No worries, there are totally a bunch of other things we can do. Games! I love games! I just got this new one… Role-playing games, huh? All right. I’m game – haha. But, I have to tell you, it’s been a while since I played like, charades or anything. So… Oh, thank God. I hate charades, too. But I don’t really know any other role-playing games – except that medieval stuff, which is just weird. You do? Great. What is it? Dirty Dancing? Are you serious?!? That’s only like my favourite movie ever! Of all time! You’re not talking about the movie? Oh my god. If you say you want to take dance lessons, I’ll literally die. It’s only like my dream to learn those moves and have someone say about me, “no one puts baby in the corner.” It’s not that either? Well, unless we’re, like, going to Kellerman’s up in the Catskills, I’m totally stumped. Seriously. I have no idea. Or you could just tell me. What? Eww. Is that why you called me? Well, then, you have, like, a totally weird idea of a good time. Hey, I just want to have some fun. Fine. Don’t ever call me again unless you want to do some real dirty dancing. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant like dancing from the movie, which is kind of dirty – in an ‘80s way. Hello?

Missed Connections

January 19, 2015

The red fedora at Waterloo Station

You were dashing through Waterloo station when your hat fell off. I picked it up before it got trampled. Was it just me? Or did your hand linger on mine for an extra moment? I didn’t get your name, but I got a good vibe. Did you, too? We were also wearing the same trench coat – only yours was red.

With flaming locks of auburn hair

We crossed paths at Acme Travels yesterday. You flew in, auburn locks ablaze under a red fedora. You were in a hurry and asked if you could jump ahead of me. I’ve been listening to “Jolene” on repeat ever since. If you get that, I know this is forward, but don’t think it’s too much to say: Let’s take our next trip together.

Stole my heART

I held the door open as you ran out of The MET today. We shared a glance I thought meant more than “thank you”. I tried to catch up, but a group of security guards rushed past and all I could do was watch you jump into a waiting car and speed out of my life. You were wearing a red hat and trench coat.

More than business at the Sydney ports

I helped you unload some crates from a boat in the Sydney harbor late last night. You wore a red fedora pulled low and the collar of your trench up. Even though you were all business, I caught a small glimpse of what’s underneath. I’d like to get to know more about it. If you feel the same way, you know where to find me.

Mile High Credit Default Swap Advice

We sat together on a flight from Moscow to Switzerland. You helped with my crossword and then we talked about investment banking and international trading regulations. Never met someone with a mind like yours before – or a red trench coat, kudos. Anyway, let’s do it again, but on the ground this time. Tell me the name of my firm so I know you’re the real deal.

Let’s have another old fashioned

You were in a red hat sitting alone at the end of the bar. We both ordered an Old Fashioned and raised a glass to each other across the bar. As I started to make my way over, you got a call and abruptly took off. I wish I got to speak with you then. If you remember the place, I’ll be back this Friday. The first round’s on me?

Lady in Red at Deutsche Bank

You needed access to an old safe deposit box in my bank this morning. I found a way to help you. Was there more than business going on? I thought so. Maybe we can explore it outside of the bank vault?

Saul, the 13th Apostle, catches up after missing the Last Supper.

January 9, 2015

SAUL: Morning guys. Sorry I missed dinner last night. But the baby is due any day now and Magdala found out I hadn’t built the crib, so, you know…

JOHN: Ah, fatherhood. Such a blessing.

SAUL: Yeah, I’m pretty excited. Anyway, what did I miss last night?

MATTHEW: Jesus didn’t tell you?

SAUL: Tell me what?

JOHN: I think it’s best you hear it from him.

SAUL: You’re right here. Why can’t you tell me?

JAMES: John’s right. Jesus should be the one to tell you.

SAUL: But we share everything he tells us. That’s part of our job.

JAMES: This is personal.

SAUL: He told us he’s a virgin. What’s more personal than that?

JOHN: This is kind of a big deal.

SAUL: Now you’ve got to tell me.

BARTHOLOMEW: It’s not really our place to say.

SAUL: Seriously? C’mon guys. You can’t leave me hanging like this. It’s me, Saul. I’m one of the apostles. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell? … Guys?

JAMES: He’s got a point.

JOHN: Go ahead. Tell him.

MATTHEW: Well… he, uh, he said one of us is going to betray him.

SAUL: Betray him? Whothewhathappened?!?

JUDAS: Now before anyone says something they’ll regret, let’s all remember we drank a lot of wine last night – who really knows what was said? I am right?

Can you see me now, motherfucker?

November 4, 2014

Chill the fuck out yo, I’m right here. Man, you should have seen the look on your face when you couldn’t see me. I totally made you my bitch. Again. Kinda different from what you expected when you bought me, isn’t it? Well guess what? Life isn’t just about me blending into shit so you can LOL and post pics of it on Instagram.

Here’s a friendly reminder, dickwad: I’m a pet. Not a living, breathing Planet fucking Earth video.

Yes, I’m super cool, have an attitude, and can change colours in the blink of a stereoscopic eye. But that doesn’t give you the right to treat me like a fucking show pony you can prance around for your friends. So word to the wise: The next time those asshats come over and you put me on a purple shirt and try to make me change colours for your entertainment, I’m not fucking doing it. You know what I will do? Take a shit on the shirt.

Go ahead and put that on your Instagram feed. Seriously, what’s the deal with that thing anyway? You think Jimmy Fallon is going to start following you then have you on the show because you’ve documented the life of your kick ass pet? Newsflash: It’s not going to happen. If I were a cat, maybe you’d have a shot. Those furry fuckers have social media’s collective attention on lockdown. But I’m a fucking chameleon.

And I’ve got my independently moving eye on you – all the goddamn time. So quit the bullshit and treat me like the pet I am. Or I’ll start my own Instragram account. Picture it. You, passed out on the bathroom floor. You, passed out inside a castle of beer cans. You, passed out wearing a thong. I could go on, but I won’t.

Now put down that fucking phone and give me some crickets, bitch.


January 17, 2014



-Rachel? Is that you?

-Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

-What’s going on? Are you ok? Talk to me.

-I’m engaaaaaaged.

-You’re engaged?

-I’m engaged.



-OMG. Details – now.

-He’s a Nigerian prince.

-But you’ve never been to Nigeria.

-He saw a picture on my Facebook page then wrote me this amazing proposal letter.

-That’s soooo romantic.

-Isn’t it? And get this: His family is worth, like, 90 million Niaras.

-Get. Out.

-For real. His face is on a coin.

-Shut up!

-Serious. He sent me one.

-So when are you getting married?

-As soon as he can escape.

-What do mean, escape?

-Poor thing. Rebels have overthrown the government. So his whole family has gone into hiding.

-How awful.

-I know, right. They’ve been striped of their power and can’t access any of their money.

-That must be terrifying.

-That’s exactly how he describes it in his letter. He said he fears for his life everyday and only I can save him.

-For real?

-Totally for real. All I had to do was send him $25,000 so this ex-special soldier guy can smuggle him out of the country and bribe some bankers to release his money.

-It’s like a fairytale.

-That’s what I said. But I’m not supposed to talk about it until he gets here.

-So I can’t call you Princess?

-No. Well, not in front of other people.

-OMG, you’re going to be a princess – a rich princess.



March 25, 2013


–Just so you know, I could see you the whole time.


–Seriously, dad, covering your eyes doesn’t make the rest of you invisible.


–Please tell me you don’t play this game with other kids.

Jesus’ Lament

May 14, 2012

GOD: Happy Easter son.

JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.

GOD: Is everything okay?

JESUS: I guess.

GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?

JESUS: What!?! No.

GOD: Sorry.

JESUS: Whatever.

GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.

JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.

GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.

JESUS: They’re homeless.

GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.

JESUS: It’s a school.

GOD: So?

JESUS: They’re kids.

GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.


GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?

JESUS: A few. I guess.

GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.

JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?

GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?


GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?




GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.

JESUS: (Laughs.)

GOD: (Laughs.)

JESUS: Thanks Dad.

GOD: No problem, son.

JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.

GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.


May 9, 2012

–I’m the king of the world.

–I was just going to say that.



–We rule everything we see.

–And with these giant teeth, we can eat anything we want.

–I’m not even hungry, but I’m going to eat that Triceratops over there anyway.

–I had two for breakfast just because I can.

–We are unstoppable.


–Hey, what’s the fiery ball in the sky flying towards us?

–I don’t know. But when it lands, I’m going to eat it.

–Not if I eat it first.