Let’s get right to the heart and soul of the sport: Breath holding, sequined bathing suits and fancy leg kicks. I’m pretty much the awesomest in the sport at breath holding–3:46 is my record. That’s all you need to know about that. As for the sequined “costumes”, the ladies are outfitted in a onesie and matching bathing cap. Not to mention excessively whorish makeup. (They claim it adds emotion to the routine. I think it’s because they’re whores.) As for the men, well, we’re tucked comfortably into a Speedo. And when I say tucked I mean you do not want to get a boner in one of those things. Not only does it mess with your aerodynamics, it’s also somewhat of a negative when it comes to scoring in the artistic impression category. Which brings us to the scoring system and my proficiency at fancy leg kicks and such.
My previously discussed manhood and refusal to shave any body hair generally result in a poor artistic mark, which, unfortunately, makes up 60% of the total score. Luckily, my technical skills are what the judges often refer to as flawless–what I lose in artistic impression, I more than make up for technically. But it’s not the required crane, flamingo or ballet leg positions that set me apart. No sir. It’s the series of new moves I’ve introduced to the sport. Moves such as: The aquatic Macarena, water poppin’ and breakin’ (complete with ebonically correct spelling), and, my signature move, the upside down Riverdance.
So, as you can see, a lot goes into being a successful synchronized swimmer. Mentally, I have to focus on not getting an erection. Physically, I have to hold my breath (which I’m very good at) while shaking my ass and performing fancy legs kicks (which I’m also very good at.) And, as you can imagine, the pressure of competition is intense. Which is why I write to you friends. I could really use your support at the upcoming World Cup event in Moose Jaw–clever signs are appreciated. Even though I’m the only male competitor, therefore guaranteeing my victory, there’s nothing like emerging from the water to a raucous ovation. Plus, I think you’d really dig my routine. And, you get to see me in a Speedo.