A draft of Eliot Spitzer’s resignation speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I stand before you today a changed man. A new man. As you all know, during the past week a few somewhat, well, scandalous aspects of my life have been uncovered. Since then I’ve taken some time to reflect on my actions. To relive every graphic, sordid detail of the last few months, and my God, the things those ladies could do… but I’ll save those stories for my book.

Now I know you all expect me to apologize to my family, colleagues and country. That you believe it’s “the right thing” to do. That by showing remorse and admitting to all my sins I’ll be forgiven and all that other stuff. But that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m not going to lie and tell you it was all a mistake and that I regret my actions. In fact, I’ve never felt more alive. More free. I had the time of my life. That’s right. You heard me. I’m. Not. Sorry. Why should I be? Did Clinton apologize for getting a mouth hug from that chubby intern in the Oval Office? Actually he did. But he sure as hell didn’t mean it. And you still loved him afterwards. And what about Charlie Sheen? Do you think he feels bad about screwing half the hookers in Hollywood? I don’t think so. In fact, it’s a point of pride. By the way Charlie, thanks for the reference.

So, as I leave this office, know that I leave with my head held high. Know that while my wife and I are getting divorced, my wealth is protected thanks to an airtight pre-nump. And, most importantly, know that this isn’t the end of my storied political career–I am simply relocating to Las Vegas.

Thanks for your support.

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5 Responses to “A draft of Eliot Spitzer’s resignation speech.”

  1. Dirk Says:

    You’re funny. He’s a perv.

  2. Joe Says:

    “Did Clinton apologize for getting a mouth hug from that chubby intern in the Oval Office?”

    Mouth hug. That’s brilliant! I’m totally using it.

  3. Kim Says:

    Are you serious? Mouth hug. Eeeew.

  4. chowner Says:

    Dear Kim,

    First of all, I’d like to thank you for reading my blog. I love hearing from my fans. Having said that, I’m always troubled when they don’t get my jargon. So please, let me explain. The mouth hug–a.k.a. the BJ–is an important aspect of every heterosexual relationship. The fact that it grosses you out leads me to the conclusion that you are a) a lesbo b) a prude c) a dullard or d) all of the above.

    Again, thanks for reading. I looking forward to your future contributions to Free The Unicorns.

  5. Kurt Says:

    Ha. That was pretty good. But the highlight for me was mouth hug. So good.

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