Dear Mrs. Duff,
I am writing in regards to one of your students, Aaron Chown, who has informed me that you have recently had to reprimand him for not handing in his homework. Knowing him as I do, I am sure he would never make up an excuse for his actions so I have taken it upon myself to speak for him. But, before I go on, I feel I owe you an explanation as to how I have come to know–and become friends with–Aaron. Simply put, I am the alien who abducted him.
Having observed Aaron for a number of years, I was amazed by what you refer to in your Parent Teacher interviews as his “potential”. You said, and I quote, “He is an excellent writer, handy with a calculator, superior at gym class, and a real charmer.” These are among some of the many reasons that I chose to abduct him. Which brings me to the purpose of this correspondence: Aaron’s failure to submit his homework on Oct.14th, 17th & 29th, Nov.11th & 18th.
As I’m sure you have already deduced, he was unable to complete and hand in his homework as he was rather busy on my spaceship, Mindy XI, undergoing a series of tests. (Please note: our tests do not involve anal or any other kind of probing.) You’ll be happy to learn the test results proved what we already knew: That he is a most remarkable specimen–one I intend to clone. So kudos to you, Mrs. Duff, for the role you have played in teaching such a fine human.
Please accept my sincerest apologies for keeping him from your tutelage. In the future, I will be sure to write a note informing you of any last minute outer space adventures.
Chief Commander Mork
Ruler of Morkulania
P.S. On the evening of Nov.3, while doing his homework, Aaron was binging on Halloween candy and failed to clean up before going to bed, which resulted in the family dog, Molly, eating his homework.
P.P.S This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds.