Ask a Douche Bag with Joe Francis

Q: Hey Joe, I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months now, and other than the occasional dry hump, things have been pretty tame. How can I get her to go wild like the girls in your videos?

– Wants a Wild One

A: The first question you should be asking yourself is: Am I gay? No action in six months–seriously? Not even a mouth hug? If I’m not making progress in six minutes, I move on.

I’m inclined to call you hopeless if you haven’t already tried the obvious: Drugs and alcohol. You’ve surely noticed from all my tapes, the girls aren’t exactly of sound mind. They’ve usually had a few drinks before I approach them (that or a cocktail of other recreational drugs.) Anyways, if they’re at all reluctant to show their tits, I just get them a few more drinks. Or, if they’re bitchy about it, I roofie them. That usually does the trick. If you’re thinking this sounds a touch like prostitution, don’t worry, I only sleep with the girls I don’t drug or buy drinks for.

Also, self-esteem seems to be a big indicator of whether or not they’ll get freaky. If they’ve got any, they’re probably not going to get naked in front of a camera. So if this prude of yours has any self-esteem left after dating you for six months, you’ve got to destroy it. If you don’t know how, you truly are hopeless.

Good luck (you’ll need it),
Joe

P.S If you ever get any, and happen to film it, send me a copy.

Please send your questions to askadouche@gmail.com

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