TO: All staff
RE: Kimbo Slice
Today is a big day at Microsoft headquarters. I’m sure some of you have heard the rumors, for those who haven’t I’m very excited to announce that, effective immediately, Kimbo Slice will be replacing Steve Ballmer as our CEO.
Mr. Slice joins us from EliteXC where he was a heavyweight mixed martial arts champion. Prior to his career as a professional pugilist, Mr. Slice was a feared and respected street fighter, and before that, a bouncer at a strip club, and the driver/bodyguard for the owner and operator of RealityKings, the Miami based porn production company. Please note that Mr. Slice still maintains close ties with RealityKings, some of who now accompany him at all times, as his entourage (or posse), under the name Team Kimbo–but more on that later.
As our new CEO, Mr. Slice will have absolutely no day-to-day involvement with the company. Instead, Mr. Ballmer, in his new role as executive assistant to Mr. Slice, he will attend all of his meetings, take notes for him, and report directly to me on his behalf.
Although he will be a member of the Board of Directors, Mr. Slice will not be required to attend any meetings, and, by way of proxy, I will retain all of his voting power.
Finally, should you encounter Mr. Slice and/or Team Kimbo in the office, here are a few tips to help ensure you don’t get savagely beaten:
-Do not make eye contact with him
-Do not speak directly to him
-If he speaks to you, there is only one way to respond: “Thanks champ”
-If he growls at you, respond with “Hey Champ.” If he continues to growl, immediately assume the fetal position
-If he or any of his posse ask for money, give them what you have on you or direct them to Mr. Ballmer who will empty out petty cash
-Always have a YouTube clip of one of his fights open on your desktop in case he pops into your office
-Refrain from greeting each other with fist bumps in the presence of Mr. Slice or his posse
-If you see him shadow boxing, immediately turn around and walk away