Free The Unicorns: Attack of the Sciuridae (Or Attack of the Squirrels for those not familiar with the scientific classification.)


And so my quest to free every unicorn in captivity begins.

I hoped it would never come to this, but I’m afraid I no longer have a choice. After a friendly request for the peaceful release of said unicorns, I received thousands of dollars in donations–but no unicorns. So I put up MISSING posters. I now have a school of piranhas, a full t-rex fossil (for sale) and an albino grizzly bear–but still no unicorns. Next, I contacted the FBI. They were busy spying on and each others secretaries and mistresses, so they directed me to PETA. Those hippies were caught up in throwing paint on people and also of no use to my cause.

So as you can see, I had to take matters into my own hands. Luckily, for some years now I’ve been training squirrels in the ways of the Jedi. And now I turn to them to free the unicorns.

Godspeed my fuzzy little Jedi Knights.

In theatres Fall 2030*

*pending legal matters and survival of unicorns


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