I don’t really know how to best describe my abilities. If I had to put a thumb on it, I probably wouldn’t because that might hurt. So I guess I’d have to say, for lack of a better term, I’m somewhat of a clairvoyant. Or something like that. Maybe prognosticator is more accurate. I don’t really know. It’s a gift. It can’t be explained. Bottom line is, I know what’s going to happen before it actually happens.
(Please note: Even though I don’t believe in ghosts, I’m absolutely terrified of them. So I don’t do séances or anything of that other contacting the dead stuff.)
Now you may be wondering why I would walk away from a steady career that pays moderately well. In case you haven’t been paying attention so far, let me tell you again: I’m a psychic–I know I’ll be successful. Plus, there’s a lot of money to be made in this racket. I mean if Miss Cleo can do it, I sure as hell can. So what if she turned out to be a fraud. She had an ad on TV–that’s got to count for something, right?
So now that I’ve made the big decision to fully commit my life to helping others with my psychic skills, there are a few things I’ll need.
First up a cool, memorable phone number. Here are a few examples I’m considering:
Next, I’ll need a clever psychic name. Right now I’m leaning towards Mr. Cleo. But it may not be available if the lawsuit doesn’t go my way. (It will–I had a vision about it.) Finally, I’ll need one of those hands free phones because I don’t like to hold anything plastic for more than 19 seconds. Come to think of it, I also don’t like touching buttons, so I guess I’ll need to hire an old lady with blue hair to answer my phone (and make me sandwiches).
My powers are telling me that before you start calling me (again, I know you will so don’t try to pretend like you won’t) you’re curious about my credentials. Just to reassure everyone that I’m the real deal, here is a brief list of things I’ve predicted:
• Once, while drinking and watching hockey with my friends, I said the Leafs would win 3-1. They lost 6-4, but there was a 7-minute stretch when they were up 3-1.
• One time, I told my wife I was going to shave my head. I didn’t, but three weeks later Britney Spears did.
• I love pretzels. I don’t care much for George W. Bush. He almost choked on a pretzel.
• Last year on Super Bowl Sunday, I found a lucky penny. Then Giants won the coin toss–and the game.
• Whenever I see a pie chart, I have pizza for lunch.
• A few years ago, I was throwing rocks at pigeons and I killed one. Ever since, when playing rock, paper, scissors I always play rock.
That’s just a taste of what you’ll get when you call my psychic power hotline. Which I know you will, so I’ll talk to you soon.