Monkeys & Typewriters


-Hey, how’s it going? I’m Seymour Von Bueller.
-Ruprecht. Ruprecht Bigglesworth. Nice to meet you.
-So Seymour, what do you do? I mean when you’re not a test monkey.
-I live at the zoo, so I mainly swing around on stuff and pose for pictures. Sometimes, just for shits and giggles, I throw my feces at people. You?
-Well, technically I’m a helper monkey. I was trained to assist the less fortunate, you know like disabled or retarded people. But these rich fucks bought me on a whim because I’m “entertaining”.
-Meaning I swing from the chandelier, break expensive things and poop in their shoes.
-So it’s like you’re in a rich zoo only it’s not oppressive.
-Uh, I guess.
-No, that’s pretty much it.
-So, what are we doing here anyway? They usually only take me out for kids parties and beastiality movie shoots.
-You don’t know? Those rich asshats and their friends have this theory that if they put a few monkeys in a room with a typewriter, we’ll eventually re-produce one of Shakespeare’s plays.
-Who the fuck is Shakespeare?
-I know. Just because they’re evolved, toilet trained, walk upright, aren’t covered in hair, and don’t eat ticks off each other they think they can play games with our lives. It’s not… wait, you don’t know who Shakespeare is?
-I was born and raised in a zoo remember. I’ve seen a few Playboys, but I don’t exactly have a library card.
-He’s only the greatest writer of all time.
-Well excuse me for not being a helper monkey.
-Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello?
-No, no and no.
-I’m so sorry.
-No hair off my back. But it gives me an idea. Since you know Shakestick…
-Whatever. Since you’ve got such a big crush on him and seem to know all his work, how about you dictate while I type.
-Well, I guess I could recite a sonnet or two, maybe a few monologues but a whole play… I don’t know. Also, if you do all the typing, you’ll get all the credit.
-What do you care? You’ve got a cushy job. I’m the one living in captivity. This could be my ticket to freedom.
-Fair enough.
-So, let’s here it.
-To be or not to be…

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