Ask a Douche Bag with Dr. Phil

Q: Dear Dr. Phil,

I watch Oprah everyday and then some of your show afterwards. But your voice is pretty annoying so I usually have to flip between you and Judge Judy. Anyway, sometimes you have interesting topics and give semi-decent advice. Being a single mom to two beautiful kids, who knows a lot of other single moms, I find I’m always giving out advice to others, too. Now you seem to have come out of nowhere and made a big name for yourself without really doing anything other than giving out really simple, common sense advice (stuff that people should know without your help). So my question is: How can I apply my practical real world knowledge (that you don’t have) and make it big like you?

-Looking To Help Others

PS – Are you a real Doctor or do you just get to call yourself one because you’re tight with Oprah?

A: Two words LTHO: Oprah. I’m basically a pet project of hers. She made a bet with Steadman that she couldn’t take an alcoholic loser and make him a household name. I guess she won. I mean I don’t really know anything about helping people. Her staff puts together my entire show and I just memorize lines or read off cues cards, but somehow it seems to be working. (And making me loads of money.) So maybe if you write Oprah a letter or something, she’ll give you your own show too. It all depends on if she’s in one of her “I’m God” moods.

And no, I’m not a real Doctor. She pulled some strings and had someone give me an honorary doctorate of some kind.

Good luck,
Phillip

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