Washington, D.C. (AP) – Early on the morning of Saturday November 29th, while at a nightclub in New York’s Latin Quarter, New York Giants wide receiver Plaixco Burress shot himself in the leg with his own gun. Mr. Burress stated he was in possession of the concealed weapon because, “I was decked out in mad ice and carrying a fat roll of Benjamins, so I needed some steel to protect my s*** yo.” Witnesses say Mr. Burress was repeatedly flashing the gun he had stashed in the waistband of his sweatpants. Then, while he was adjusting his man junk, it came loose. Being a sure-handed receiver, he was able to catch it before it hit the floor. Unfortunately, after he caught it, he began waving it around while yelling, “Did you see that? Did you see those hands bitches? They’re like Velcro motherf***er. Super Bowl champ in the house.” It was during this display that he accidentally discharged the firearm causing the previously mentioned injury.
In light of these events, Congress held an emergency meeting over what is believed to be a new change to the Second Amendment. Though it has not yet been released to the public, sources say the change won’t affect American citizens and their right to posses and carry weapons, as the majority of the gun carrying population understands that you never, ever leave the safety off of a loaded weapon you intend to stick in your pants. It will, however, make it illegal for morons to carry a loaded weapon that they don’t know how to properly handle. The source goes on to state that, beyond the humiliation of shooting yourself, if and when you do so, you will be charged with a Class C felony for stupidity, have your gun revoked and face a fine of up to $150,000.
After pleading not guilty to all charges, Mr. Burress could not be reached for comment but his lawyer issued a statement on his behalf: “I think any professional athlete in this situation would be concerned. I can tell you Plaxico is at home right now thanking the good Lord that he didn’t shoot his dick off.”