ME: I know you’re a busy man, so let’s get right to the big issue: People don’t believe in you like they used to? What happened?
GOD: I’m getting the cover right?
ME: You know this is Playboy, so unless you’re about to transform into Gisele, no.
GOD: But I was told I’d get the cover.
ME: You’ll get a caption on the cover.
ME: Look, if you really want a cover, I’d suggest you give Playgirl a call.
ME: No. You’re a bit old.
GOD: I’m God. Of course I’m old
ME: And desperate.
GOD: (Sighs) I know. It’s just the last century has been pretty rough. As you mentioned, people have stopped believing.
ME: Why is that?
GOD: Well, part of it is that I’ve gotten lazy. I just don’t pay attention like I used to. Being omnipresent and omnipotent is demanding. I need a break every now and then.
ME: So what have you been doing?
GOD: Building up my wine collection, playing too much Wii, writing a book and watching a lot of baseball. You don’t think the Red Sox broke the curse without a little divine intervention, do you?
ME: So you’ve turned your back on the faithful?
GOD: People in Boston would disagree with that statement.
ME: What about everyone else?
GOD: Yeah, uh, well… uh, that’s, um, I, uh, guess in a way I haven’t exactly, uh… been there. But I’ve been busy dealing with the whole celebrity Scientology explosion.
ME: Why don’t you do something about it?
GOD: I probably could, but it’s complicated. And if we’re being perfectly honest here, I do get a lot of laughs at their expensive. You know, I was the one who started the whole rumour about Travolta being gay.
ME: Get out!
GOD: Oh yeah. And that shit Cruise pulled on Oprah.
(Points at himself)
ME: No! What else?
GOD: Let’s see. That show Jenna Elfman was in, what was it called?
(Thinks about it briefly)
GOD: Oh, who cares, I had it cancelled. I also had Katie Holmes pulled from The Dark Knight.
ME: You know, you’re not such a bad guy after all.
GOD: Thanks. That means a lot to me.
ME: But, I gotta say, you’re smaller than I thought you’d be.
GOD: I get that a lot.
ME: Anyways, let’s get back to business. Why should we start believing again?
GOD: Well, for one thing, I can strike you down with lightning.
ME: That seems a little harsh. And, I’m not going lie, it isn’t exactly going to win you any new converts.
GOD: I know. I know. But it’s cool. And I’m working on upping the whole fear of God thing.
ME: Also, isn’t lightning Zeus’ thing?
GOD: Well, uh, yeah… but I can do it too.
GOD: What about eternal forgiveness for all your sins?
ME: Sorry, my Mom’s Catholic. The whole guilt thing doesn’t work on me. What else you got?
GOD: Um, how about answering all your prayers?
ME: You didn’t exactly come through with Cindy Crawford.
GOD: You were 10.
ME: …Ok, what about in ‘93 when I prayed the Leafs would finally win the Cup?
GOD: Wayne Gretzky. What can I say?
ME: Fair enough. Oh, I know. I didn’t get into Notre Dame.
GOD: You didn’t apply.
ME: Still, it’s the Catholic school; my attendance may have changed the way I feel about you. You could have hooked me up a scholarship or something like that.
GOD: Alright, alright. How about and honourary doctorate? Maybe in religious studies or philosophy?
GOD: There will be a ceremony with cake and alcohol.
ME: Really? That’s all you’ve got?
GOD: Not many people can say they have a doctorate.
ME: Not many people want one in philosophy.
GOD: It goes over well with the ladies.
(I show God my wedding band)
GOD: Ok, I’ll make it up to you. What do you want?
ME: What’s on the table?
GOD: Name it.
ME: I want full merchandising rights to your name and likeness.
GOD: Jesus kept telling I should have trademarked that. Damn, why didn’t I listen to him?
ME: Speaking of Jesus, you can name your next kid after me.
GOD: I said one thing.
ME: Actually you said, and I quote, “I’ll make it up to you.”
GOD: That’s a technicality.
(Long pause as I stare down God)
GOD: Fine. Go on.
ME: No more hangovers would be great.
GOD: Done. Is this going to get me any converts?
ME: I’m not promising anything, but you’re off to a good start.
GOD: (Pumps his fist) Sweet! That’s all I need to hear. See you around.
ME: But we didn’t even get into Adam & Eve and the whole creation thing or your feud with Satan.
GOD: Here are the Coles notes. Satan and I are actually very close. We just let people believe in the feud because it makes for good publicity. I’m not sure who this Adam character is. And, I’m not going to lie, I don’t remember creating anything. I was on a serious bender and when I woke up, there was earth.
Tags: Adam & Eve, Boston Red Sox, Catholic, Cindy Crawford, fountain of youth, gay, Gisele, God, Jesus, John Travolta, Notre Dame, Oprah, Playboy, Satan, Scientology, The Dark Knight, Tom Cruise, Wayne Gretzky, Wii, Zeus