Colonel Mustard: For the Record

You’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing and you know it. These are baseless allegations founded on circumstantial evidence and I’m calling your bluff old boy.

You know, I actually expected more, even from an amateur sleuth such as yourself. But honestly, in the library with the candlestick. It’s always the candlestick. And that was your first mistake.

What mistakes? Let me break them down for you.

You obviously know I’m a military man. And had you performed the necessary background check, you would have learned about my extensive black-ops training and exemplary service record. So I ask: Do you really think a man of my professional capacity would commit such a sloppy crime then leave the murder weapon behind? A weapon you have noted does not contain my fingerprints. I didn’t think so.

I could have what? Did you hear anything I just said? Yes, hypothetically speaking, I could have worn gloves and left the murder weapon behind to throw you off. But again, and please pay attention this time, had I been involved in said crime you wouldn’t have even known a crime was committed. It would have looked like an accident, like he died of natural causes. There would not have been a murder weapon and I would have been nowhere in sight.

Which brings me to your second mistake. My whereabouts when the crime was committed. Or, more to the point, my airtight alibi. Now you claim I was in the library and, having searched my room, you know I had a copy of The Art of War from Mr. Boddy’s collection. But…

You also found what? A gun under my pillow. Of course you did. That’s my Walther PPK. Yes, it is James Bond’s weapon of choice. And yes, I’m sure your boys in lab will confirm that it has not been fired recently.

Why do I sleep with it? Self defense old boy. You don’t become a Colonel without stepping on a few toes. Very dangerous toes at that. And I never know when someone from my past may track me down in an attempt to settle an old score or two. Now if you please, let’s get back to my alibi.

Being a gentlemen I wouldn’t normally divulge these details, but in this case I don’t feel it’s inappropriate to inform you that I spent the evening in question in Miss Scarlett’s chambers. And, without getting into the details, I can assure you we were both pre-occupied and in no position to sneak off to the library and kill Mr. Boody.

Excuse me? Do you really take me for the kind of scoundrel who would make up such a story? When you finally get around to speaking with Miss Scarlett, I’m sure she will be more than happy to corroborate my story and vouch for my character.

Apology Accepted.

Now if that’s all…

Motive? Have I not proven my innocence yet? Then why bother? A bad investment. You truly are clueless, aren’t you? Very well. It is true that I recently made a sizeable investment in a venture of Mr. Boddy’s. One that, unfortunately, did not result in the large return he promised. In fact, I lost my entire investment. But with one phone call you’ll quickly discover that my personal fortune is, how do I put this? Vast. So, yes, I may have, as you so bluntly stated, been “swindled” by the recently departed Mr. Boddy. But, as my financial manager will be more than happy to inform you, the amount I lost was merely chump change to me and certainly not worth killing someone over. Hell, I probably made more in interest during this so-called interrogation than I lost from that investment.

Now I believe that covers just about everything gentlemen. So if you’ll excuse me, I have a plane to catch. Good day.

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One Response to “Colonel Mustard: For the Record”

  1. Me Says:

    I talked to Miss Scarlett and she has a fever so your alibi is shit

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