Guard: Um… what is this?
Second Guard: It’s a giant wooden horse genius.
Guard: Thanks Captain Obvious, I can see that. But where did it come from.
Second Guard: Beats me. Maybe there’s a card.
(They look around)
Guard: Here it is.
(Reads it aloud)
I’m sorry I tried to conquer your kingdom.
It was foolish of me to underestimate your
I’ve heard you’re quite fond of horses so
I hope you’ll accept this as a token of
forgiveness for my foolish behavior.
Second Guard: Does this mean the war is over and I can go back to being a used chariot salesman?
Guard: (Mumbles) Way to dream big.
Second Guard: What?
Guard: Nothing. I said you should go summon the King.
Second Guard: Why should I go?
Guard: It was my idea. And I found this thing.
Second Guard: We found it.
Guard: There’s only one way to settle this.
(They play a game of rock, paper, scissors. The first guard wins.)
Second Guard: (Disappointed) I’ll be right back.
Aeneas: What’s going on here? What is this?
Guard: A giant wooden horse.
Aeneas: (Sarcastically) Really? I wasn’t sure.
Guard: It’s from Agememnon. I think the war’s over.
Aeneas: Ha! I knew those pussies would surrender.
Guard: Technically they didn’t surrender. They just went home.
Aeneas: Quitters. (Throws his arms in the air) Victory.
Guard: Isn’t it kind of a draw?
Aeneas: Where you on the battlefield? Do you know what happened out…
(Trumpets blare announcing the Kings arrival)
Aeneas: (Whispers to the guard) This isn’t over.
Priam: What’s so important that you choose to interrupt my morning game of tiddlywinks?
Guard: Your majesty, I found this…
Second Guard: We.
Guard: We found this outside the gates this morning.
Priam: What is it?
Guard: A giant wooden horse sir.
Priam: Are you sassing me young man?
Guard: No, I… um… you asked so…
Priam: Who are you? (Looks around) Who is this guy?
Guard: Agoraphobia sir.
Priam: So, Agoraphobia, do you think I, the King, didn’t know this was a giant wooden horse?
Guard: No sir.
Priam: Then why did you feel the need to tell me?
Guard: You asked.
Priam: Here you again with the sass.
Guard: I was just trying to help.
Priam: Help? Do you mean help embarrass me? Because that’s what it seemed like… You know what, you’re banished. I banish you.
Priam: You’re not to leave your home again until I say its safe.
Priam: No buts. Be gone.
Priam: Now, where were we?
Second Guard: This was with it.
(Hands him the card. He reads it over.)
Priam: That Agememnon is one sly bastard. He sends me this and thinks it’s going to make up for everything. Like I’ll forget it ever happened.
Aeneas: It is quite impressive.
Priam: I actually think its kind of gaudy.
Aeneas: But you love horses.
Priam: Yeah, about that. There’s something I need to get off my chest.
Aeneas: I’m all ears.
Priam: So a few years ago, my wife gave me a golden horse for my birthday.
Aeneas: The one in your bathroom?
Priam: That’s the one. Anyway, she was so excited about it. She sent me on this big scavenger hunt through the whole palace.
Aeneas: Sounds like fun.
Priam: Yeah, actually it was. But I have to be honest I wasn’t thrilled about the horse. I wanted a catapult. But she went to all this trouble, so I freaked out and told her I loved it. Said it was the greatest gift I ever received. After that word got out I had a thing for horses. Ever since, that’s all I get. Frankly, I can’t stand the bloody creatures.
Aeneas: Wow. I had no idea. Look, I’m sorry about that horse themed stationary I gave you last year. You know what, I want to make it up to you. Let me push this thing off a cliff. Or burn it.
Guard: Yeah. We could roast marshmallows and have a big barbeque to celebrate the end of the war.
Priam: That’s not a bad idea. I love marshmallows. But first let’s hear what Cassandra has to say abut this thing. You (points at the guard) go fetch her.
Second Guard: Me?
Priam: Yes you.
Second Guard: Why me?
Priam: Do you really want to question me after what just happened to your friend?
Second Guard: He’s not really my friend.
Priam: Go before I make you sew me a tea cozy.
(Guard sulks off)
Priam: So Aeneas, do you think I should reciprocate?
Priam: You know, send a gift to Agememnon?
Aeneas: But you hate him.
Priam: True. But he put a lot of thought and effort into this.
Aeneas: He still tried to conquer us. And they killed Hector.
Priam: You’re right, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Forget I ever mentioned it.
Aeneas: Actually, I’ve got an idea. We could leave a bag of dog poop on his doorstep, set it on fire then hide and watch him try to put it out.
Priam: That’s not bad. Not bad at all. He’ll totally spaz out. Ok, lets do it. Round up some men and see to it.
Aeneas: Yes sir.
(Second guard returns with Cassandra)
Cassandra: This better be good Priam, I was getting a manicure.
Priam: So sorry my dear, but that brute Agememnon sent this as token of forgiveness. Before I do anything with it, I’d love to hear from my resident prophet.
Cassandra: Well… I know you love horses, but it’s kind of gaudy.
Priam: That’s what I said.
Cassandra: And it has a bad aura. It’s shrouded in death and evil. I think you should burn it. Maybe have a big barbeque or something.
Second Guard: That’s what I said.
Priam: So be it.
Second Guard: Oh, I’ll bring the marshmallows.
Cassandra: Pardon me?
Cassandra: I know what you said, but what the hell does it mean?
Priam: I picked it up from a Rabbi somewhere. I believe it means health in Yiddish. It’s a blessing you offer after someone sneezes.
Cassandra: Thank you Priam, but I didn’t sneeze.
Second Guard: Sir, I think it came from the horse.
Priam: Don’t be foolish–it’s wooden.
Second Guard: No, I meant from inside the horse sir.
Priam: Nonsense. It was you. Admit it.
Second Guard: I swear, it wasn’t me.
Priam: Are you calling me a liar?
Second Guard: No.
Priam: Then say thank you.
Second Guard: But sir, I’m telling you…
Priam: Are you looking to get put on latrine duty? Cause I’ll do it if you keep up with sass.
Cassadra: He’s right Priam.
Priam: Oh, he is, is he? How would you know?
Cassandra: I’m prophet remember?
Priam: What, now you’re calling me a liar?
Cassandra: Enough with the power trip. Just get rid of it before something terrible happens.
Priam: So be it. I hate it anyway. Guard, go spread the word we’re having a giant cook-out tonight.
(Trumpets blare announcing the Queens arrival)
Hecuba: Priam, you’re late for brunch. What on earth have you been… Oh my, where did you get this marvelous horse?
Priam: It’s, uh, a gift from Agememnon. I’ve been consulting with Cassandra about where to put it.
Hecuba: It would look stunning in the palace’s courtyard.
Priam: That’s what she said.