North Pole (AP) – The North Pole, and the rest of the world, received a crushing blow early this morning when news leaked that disgruntled elves have shut down production at Santa’s workshop effectively cancelling Christmas.
According to Winston, Santa’s head elf, the decision was made to stop toy production because Santa is, “A Dictator and a hypocrite.” He went on to say that, “The fundamentals of Christmas revolve around the Naughty and Nice list… And believe you me Santa is most definitely on the Naughty list.”
The boycott took shape in the aftermath of “yet another failed promise” to upgrade production facilities in the workshop and cut work hours from 20 to 18 per day.
“He’s stuck in the past, man. He insists we make everything by hand and will not allow us to use computers or power tools,” says Melvin, floor manager. “One of my cousins is a Keebler elf. Those guys make over 250,000 cookies a day. Do you know they do it? Modern technology. And they only work four 10-hour days a week. Four. We’re lucky if we get a week off all year long. And, they get to star in their own TV ads. We on the other hand do all the work for chubby but get no respect or credit. Something needs to change.”
Though the movement for change is strong, there is a small group who haven’t joined the protest. Says one anonymous Santa supporter; “This is the ultimate gig for an Elf. I mean we’re working for Santa Claus. Put that on a résumé and you’ve got a golden ticket to pretty much anything. I don’t want to blow that.”
Rumor has it the Teamsters have intervened on behalf of the Elves and are in the middle of nasty negotiation with Santa to broker a deal before midnight that will get Christmas back on track.
Until that miracle occurs the mood is tense as no one is making an effort to cross a picket line crowed with signs such as: Share the Cookies Fatty, Dictators are DICKS, We Don’t Believe, and Authoritarianism is so 1940s.