Q: From everything I’ve read in the gossip mags, your special lady friend’s Mom hates your guts. My girl’s parents feel the same way about me. Anyway, I heard you two ran away and got married. I’m thinking about doing the same thing and I’m wondering, after we’re hitched, will they feel differently about me?
-Wants to Elope
A: Clearly you’re not up-to-date on your gossip dipshit. If you were, you’d know we faked the whole thing. It was all a publicity stunt to fan the flames of our dying popularity. And it totally backfired. People think we’re no-talent fame whores (duh) and Heidi’s parents gave me a headless voodoo doll for my birthday. So yeah, they feel differently–they hate me even more now.