What happened the time I tried V8

ME: Mom. Dad. We need to talk.
MOM: Are you okay?
ME: Under the circumstances, yes.
MOM: Circumstances? What’s going on? Did something happen at school again?
ME: Probably. But that’s not it.
DAD: (Questioning stare)
(Brief pause)
ME: Here’s the thing: I’m a vampire.
DAD: What are you talking about?
MOM: I knew we shouldn’t have let you watch those movies.
ME: It wasn’t the movies Ma. I drank some blood.
MOM: You what? How? I don’t… blood?
DAD: Where in the hell did you get blood? And why on earth did you drink it?
ME: I don’t know why you guys are freaking out. You drink it all the time. I found a bunch of it in our fridge.
MOM: Honey, your father and I most certainly DO NOT drink blood. And I’m positive there aren’t any vials of it in the fridge.
ME: I don’t know what a vial is, but there are like five cans in there. Want some?
(I offer them some of mine)

MOM: (Laughs) That’s just a V8 sweetie.
ME: Is that what you call it? Clever.
DAD: It’s not blood son. It’s vegetable juice.
ME: Impossible. I hate vegetables.
DAD: (Sarcastically) But you enjoy drinking blood?
ME: Apparently.
MOM: Come here. Let me feel your forehead.
ME: You know the undead have no temperature Mom.
MOM: I do?
ME: Of course. You’re one of them.
MOM: …
ME: It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.
DAD: That’s reassuring.
ME: But you need to figure out what you’re going to tell my principal.
MOM: About what?
ME: Why I’ll no longer be attending school.
MOM: And why won’t you be attending school?
ME: For one thing, I’ll die just leaving the house. Sunlight’s a killer. Duh.
DAD: Weren’t you just playing outside?
ME: Yeah. So?
DAD: So I think you’ll be able to handle the walk to school.
ME: Are you telling me we’re day walkers? That’s awesome. But I still don’t think school’s a good idea.
MOM: And why not?
ME: What if someone brings food that has garlic in it? Or, if I decide to turn into a bat, they’re likely to call animal services. Plus, there are a lot of Christians who wear those little gold plus signs around their necks.
MOM: You mean crosses?
ME: Sure.
MOM: Anything else?
ME: As a matter of fact, yes. I was hoping you could make me a cape. Here are a few sketches.
DAD: You… We are not vampires son. Read the label on the can. It’s made from tomatoes, celery, carrots, spinach and other veggies. IT. IS. NOT. BLOOD.
ME: (While winking) If you say so.
MOM: They sell it at the grocery store. Everyone drinks it.
ME: So you’re saying there are more people like us. Does that mean I can wear my cape outside?
MOM: I think it’s somebody’s bedtime.

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10 Responses to “What happened the time I tried V8”

  1. hindleyite Says:

    I swear that vegetable juice DOES taste like blood. Very good observation. Stumbled and redditted.

  2. Trysh Says:

    “Little gold plus signs” LOL


  3. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    Oh man, I hate V8. It’s the most vile juice on the planet.

    Funny. The “plus signs” made me laugh. Stumbled.

  4. tiggyblogwp Says:

    I can’t drink V8 as I hate celery. Even if there was .001 microgramules of celery added, I’d still spit it out.

    Maybe I should try blood? 100% celery free.

  5. quirkyloon Says:

    You know FTU, have you heard of or read the Twilight series? It has a huge following of fans, they’re everywhere! Lots of us, I mean them, secretly wish to be a vampire if Edward were still single.

    Drinking blood? Might not be such a bad thing afterall!

    Just sayin’!

    Great post! Funny!

  6. chat blanc Says:

    my question–is blood slightly chunky like v-8?

  7. chowner Says:

    In my experience, blood is what I would describe as thick, which, is another way of saying chunky. Kind of.

  8. Jenn Says:

    I wonder how you would have explained those new V8 fruit mixes… 🙂

  9. chowner Says:

    A diabetic vampire’s blood, Jenn.

  10. Chris Says:

    I have and will consume anything that allows me to wear a cape.

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