Loose Change

I have recently been toying with the idea of referring to myself in the fourth person, but I’m a little concerned the first (I) and third (Aaron Chown) may be offended.

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Short story: John Dillinger’s last living relative decides to quit his job and bring the family business back to prominence. Then he remembers he’s afraid of horses.

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Last night I dreamt I’d forgotten how to fold laundry. It wasn’t the first time. It was, however, the first time I woke up in a cold sweat and noticed yesterday’s outfit piled on the floor in the shape of Florida. Maybe it’s time I stopped writing my own grocery lists.

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Yesterday a homeless man accused my toque of being treasonous. He only had one eyebrow, so I chalked up his comment to dementia. But the next day my goulash was cold, so henceforth my toque will be referred to as Benedict.

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Movie idea: A karate master with no fingerprints ponders whether or not he has an identity. During this inner journey, he grows a beard which he constantly strokes in the hope this motion will help him grow fingertips. When this doesn’t work, he travels to Belgium to confront Jean Claude Van Damme, who he kills during an epic battle, but no one can tie him to the crime because there are no fingerprints.

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I live in constant fear that one night I’ll go to the bathroom and, having left the seat up during my last visit, fall in. Will I get stuck and end up urinating on myself? When my wife eventually finds me, will she help me get out, or mock my big toe? Or, horror among horrors, will I forget how to play the ukulele?

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Play idea: Freud explores the boundaries of his psychoanalytic Oedipus complex theory by conducting a series of family therapy sessions during which he sleeps with the Mother/Wife. (Working title: How Does That Make You Feel?)

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Today I was awakened by a deep red sunrise whose beauty reminded me of an unused eraser on a #2 pencil. I gazed upon it for 20 minutes before realizing, when it had yet to move, that it was, in fact, a malfunctioning streetlight.

Jokes

A man walks into a bar. There are no seats, so he leaves.

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They decide to walk a mile in each other’s shoes. But the Rabbi is wearing sandals, which, technically, aren’t shoes.

What do you call a blonde who just left the hair salon? A blonde.

A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “It burns when I pee.” The doctor gives him some pills and says, “Take one a day for two weeks.”

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6 Responses to “Loose Change”

  1. Rassles Says:

    This. Is. Hilarious.

  2. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    There’s that Woody Allen coming out again… Are you channeling him? Very good. I especially like the fake sunrise one…

    Stumbled.

  3. Sean Donland Says:

    “A blonde.” Haha, that one always kills me.

  4. VE Says:

    I tell the wife I’ve forgotton how to fold laundry too…I just keep buying new clothes.

  5. Mike Says:

    Very random.

    Also.

    Your a man but it seems you sit down to pee.

    Are you really a man?

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