My documentary on marijuana

Open on me standing in front of a bungalow in the suburbs. “Here we are in front of a bungalow in the suburbs. To the naked eye it looks to be a regular bungalow in the suburbs, but to the trained eye it is actually a marijuana grow-op.”

I begin walking up the driveway. “Using the everyday family life of suburbia as a disguise, grow-ops are becoming more popular every year.”

I pause at the front door. “And it’s no wonder when you add up the numbers. The average sized suburban grow-op consists of 15-20 plants, each yielding about 2 pounds of marijuana. At 6 crop cycles per year, with a street value of $2000 per pound, these mad scientists bring in an average of $480,000. Not bad for a bunch of stoners if you ask this reporter.”

I ring the doorbell. “Luckily, through an anonymous connection, I’ve arranged a sit down with a group of ‘farmers’ who have agreed to speak with me about their operation.”

The door is answered by Garth*, a scraggily haired twenty-something in a Big Lebowski Achiever t-shirt. It’s 10 in the morning and he’s already stoned, and greets me as one would expect: “Duuuuuude. You remembered. Awesome” We fist bump. “Come in. Come in. Hey, you wanna a Pop Tart or some Captain Crunch or something?”

He leads me through the house. “Notice how normal everything appears. Decorated in a long forgotten fashion, pasted with wallpaper that would make Martha Stewart cringe, and the shag carpet – this could be the dwelling of any blue-collar family.”

Upon entering the kitchen I meet the other farmer, Cooper*. The first thing that comes to my mind is: They sure as hell don’t live like people who make in the neighbourhood of $480,000 a year. The second is: When can I start?

As a bowl of Captain Crunch, with chocolate milk, is thrust into my hands they explain that their latest strain, Buffalo Soldier, is a hybrid of the infamous Noosh Kush crossed with Diablo Inferno. This leads Garth (the Achiever) to wonder: “Have you ever eaten Captain Crunch on weed?” Before I can answer, and with more enthusiasm than one would expect from stoners, they jump up and lead me downstairs to begin the ‘tour’.

As we enter the Proving Grounds – their smoking room – I am hit by the overwhelming smell of sweet ganja. “So gentlemen, why marijuana?”

They answer simultaneously: “Duuuuuude. It’s the easiest job ever. Plant a seed, water it, cut it, sell it, and smoke the rest.” As if on cue, Garth fires up a joint only Cheech and Chong could dream up. I stare in amazement as it slowly makes it way towards me. So as not to appear rude, I take a few hits. “This is dope guys.” Once again, they speak in sync, “We know.” I smoke a little more then pass it to the cameraman.

Producers note: Unfortunately, this is as far as the team got. After getting stoned, they left the camera on and proceeded to record 5 hours of a rusty toolbox. Luckily, they also left the mic on and managed to record the entire conversation that took place during their session. Here are a few excerpts from the upcoming album Marijuana Mishaps.

“…and then the monkey was like, ‘What does that mean?’, and I was like, ‘Toothpaste’.”

“Who do you think would win in a fight? Me? Or Captain Crunch?”

“Does anyone else feel like rubbing butter on their feet?”

“…”

“My final economics paper was based on the plausibility of the Caramilk secret. I got a C-. And gained 6 pounds.”

“Argyle is a fun word to say. Argyle. Argyle. Gargoyle.”

*Names changed for privacy and legal purposes

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7 Responses to “My documentary on marijuana”

  1. thinkinfyou Says:

    Ahhhhh the joys of Mary Jane. They really show legalize that stuff!!

  2. The Hussy Housewife Says:

    I ♥ Capt. Crunch. Only when I was young and when I was prego. When I was hi I preferred Skittles, 1 grape, 1 orange, 1 cherry combo. And Mt. Dew.

  3. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    You don’t have to be stoned to appreciate chocolate milk in cereal.

    Stumbled.

  4. Mike Says:

    Dood.

    DOOOOOOOD.

    That was like… umm….

    Hey.

    Do you have any doritos?

  5. Sean Donland Says:

    This documentary brings to mind a young Kevin Burns, a middle aged Werner Herzog, and aging Chris Smith. Honestly, one of the best films on the subject.

    Breathtaking.
    An exhilarating romp that keeps you on the edge of your seat.
    An action packed thrill ride.
    This summers surprise hit
    An unflinching documentary that won’t let you look away.

    Keep up the good work, I’m always amazed.

  6. hindleyite Says:

    Forget Captain Crunch, Coco the Monkey and the Cornflakes cock will batter you into a pasty pulp.

  7. Venom Says:

    Garth & Cooper are the best brothers in the world! Yes, we are related; and yes, they share.

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