Baseball Camp

1. Okay, let’s warm up with a game of catch. Take the ball out of your glove and throw it to me.
2. No, don’t take your glove off. Put it back on your hand. No, the other hand. Yeah, like that. Now take THE BALL OUT OF THE GLOVE. Good. Now throw it to me.
3. You’re not supposed to drop it; you’re supposed to throw it. THROW. Like this. Okay, pick it up and try it again.
4. That was a kick, not a throw. You managed to get it to me, but remember, this is baseball, not soccer, we’re allowed to us our hands.
5. Okay, I’ll throw it to you. You catch it, and then throw it back to me.
6. What was that? Did you just turtle? Wow. You’re not going to make any teams playing like that. And, unless you’re extremely lucky, you’re never going to catch a ball by falling on the ground. You need to watch the ball all the way into your glove, and then squeeze it.
7. Look, it’s not my fault your Dad never taught you how to catch or that your parents want you out of the house all month and decided to send you to baseball camp. But you’re here now, so you might as well get with the program and make an effort to learn something.

8. Hey, I’m sorry kid. I didn’t know your Dad was gone. But I’m not a shrink. I’m just trying to do my job. Which is teaching kids like you how to play baseball for a measly 8 bucks an hour. So what do you say we forget what just happened and start over?
9. Alright. Good. That’s the attitude I’m looking for. Now run over there, pick up the ball, and throw it to me.
10. I didn’t say throw your glove at the ball, but that’s a good start. At least you’re throwing something, and getting a feel for the motion. Now, if you could just pick up your glove, put it back on, grab the ball and we’ll play some catch.
11. If we were in the middle of big rally during a game, wearing your glove on your head like that might make sense. But this is just practice, so I need you to put your glove on your hand, no, the other hand. Good. Now get the ball.
12. Um…okay. That’s a handful of grass you’ve got there, not the ball. But good job throwing it into the wind like that. Even though we’re not playing golf, it’s good that you’re working on your throwing motion. Even if it’s underhand.
13. Good. You’ve got the ball. Now throw it to me like you threw your glove.
14. Yes, I know it smells like leather – that’s what it’s made of. Yes, just like your glove. Which you’ll have plenty of time to smell later. Right now how about you just concentrate on throwing the ball.
15. Oh God. Did you just lick the ball? You did. Sure, I guess it looks like a scoop of ice cream, but trust me it’s not, so of course it doesn’t taste like ice cream. We just talked about it being made of leather. Does that ring a bell? Good. How about the throwing part? Maybe. I’ll tell you what, if you throw me the ball, I’ll buy you an ice cream, a float, a sundae, whatever you want.
16. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just that, you throw like a girl. I had an idea when you threw your glove and the grass, but that just confirmed it.
17. Are you crying kid? For Christ’s sake, this is baseball, not the ballet. Don’t you remember A League of Their Own? When Tom Hanks rather emphatically reminds us “there’s no crying in baseball”? No. I’m not surprised. Maybe if you’ve just won the World Series or after watching Field of Dreams, it’s okay. Lord knows I cried the first time I saw that movie. But enough about that. Daddy issues aside, this is a man’s game. And things don’t always go your way. If you’re going to cry every time that happens, maybe you should stick to soccer.
18. Sure. Go ahead. Keep crying. If only you could throw a ball the way you throw a tantrum, you’d be going somewhere.
19. Fine. I don’t want to teach you anymore anyways.
20. Oh, now you decide to try and throw the ball like a man. Well guess what? It didn’t work.

Tags: , ,

7 Responses to “Baseball Camp”

  1. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    Is this autobiographical, Chowner?


    Very Bob Newhart.

  2. chowner Says:

    John: This may be slightly based in reality. But I won’t say which role I played.

  3. Chris Says:

    You said you would never tell!

  4. VE Says:

    I think he should have put up a poster of Scarlett Johanssen and taken off a piece of her clothing with every successful baseball skill ala Major Leage

  5. Mike Says:

    I’m betting you played the kid.

    And it was last week.


  6. dani Says:

    Gotta love baseball season !!

  7. Chris Says:

    Good stuff…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: