The valedictorian speech I would have given had I not been a C+ student with a shoddy attendance record and a reputation for dealing drugs.

I was going to open with a joke, but the one I wrote didn’t seem inappropriate enough, so instead, I’d like to compliment everyone’s choice of chapeau.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

I also want you to know that I’d like this to be an interactive speech. And by that I mean I welcome audience participation. And by that I mean whenever I say something funny, you applaud.

(Pause for applause)

Alright. So, we’re here to celebrate the fact we’re out of this place for good – unless some of you plan on coming back here to teach. Losers. (Cough to disguise this)

Now I’m sure you’re all expecting me to stand up here and spit out some stupid speech filled with a bunch of trite clichés about how I never thought we’d all be sitting here together; how this is the first of many milestones that will mark our journey through life; how we’ve finished our “training” and are now ready to embrace the next step in life. Blah, blubbedy, bullshit, blah. Who really wants to hear that crap?

(Pause for applause)

That’s what I thought.

Instead, I want to talk about what high school really taught us. And if we learned anything, it’s that high school isn’t really about school at all.

(Pause for applause)

Take math class for example. The only thing I learned after four years of that stuff is that Pythagoras is a douche and his theorem in no way applies to anything I plan on doing on an everyday basis.

(Pause for applause)

Or how about history? What a total downer. Old people did this. Old people did that. Trade fur. Sell wood. Fight in a war. I’m pretty sure that lot of information is not going to be useful when I’m trying to pick up girls in university. How would you react to a pick up line like this? “Fair thy well maiden. And what dowry may I fetch you for?”

(Pause for applause)

At this point, I’m sure most of you posses the intelligence to see where this is going. So I’ll spare you the boring details of going through our entire course load – like we need to relive that shit.

(Pause for applause)

So now that we’re past all that school crap, let’s talk about the good shit. Like all the real life things we learned over the last four years – or five in some cases. For starters, this is where I learned how to drink like a man. Before, I couldn’t stand the smell of beer. Or any liquor for that matter. Now, I can drink most of you under the table. Just so I’m clear, I’m talking to the teachers, not everyone I partied with. Damn, you people can drink.

(Pause for applause)

Just imagine what it will be like when we’re legal drinking age?

(Pause for applause)

Lunchtime was also an “educational” experience for a lot of us. In fact, it’s where I met one of my first loves, Mary Jane.

(Pause for applause)

It’s also where I learned how to roll a 3-paper, blow a super and make a bong out of a pen and roll of toilet paper. Now I know some of you may frown upon these extra-curricular activities, but I’m up here and you’re down there, so suck it.

(Pause for applause)

Then there are all the little things we learned like how to cheat on tests and exams, how to style our hair so it looks like we just got out of bed, and, as all the guys know to well, how to hide a boner.

(Pause for applause)

Which conveniently segues into the final, and I’m sure in most cases, favourite lesson high school life gave us. Sex-ed. And I’m not talking about the crap they taught us in phys-ed. I’m talking about rounding the bases, Adam and Eve-ing it, carnal gymnastics, introducing Charlie. I don’t need to go into details here, a lot of you did a lot of it. And the rest of you can use your imagination. But I will say this: It was a blast. Pun intended.

(Pause for applause)

Before we part ways, there’s just one more thing I need to say. Mindy, we all know you got that A in Mr. Thurman’s class.

And that’s that.

Peace out.

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13 Responses to “The valedictorian speech I would have given had I not been a C+ student with a shoddy attendance record and a reputation for dealing drugs.”

  1. Mike Says:

    Boner hiding was a fucking science, man.

  2. chowner Says:

    You said it brother.

  3. Chris Says:

    Boner hiding is the national sport of Holland.

  4. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    I actually was Valedictorian and gave a speech. Thing was, I hated my school, but I didn’t want to go out as a total asshole. So I eloquently and sneakily berated my school while making my speech sound totally positive. Some got it; some didn’t.

    In retrospect, I think my speech could have been one line: “Fuck the lot of you!”

    Oh, well…

    Stumbled.

  5. Shawn Says:

    “Fair thy well maiden. And what dowry may I fetch you for?”

    That line works better than you might think. But then I go to a lot of Renaissance Fairs. The milk maids are just begging for it.

  6. David Says:

    >>>>Mindy, we all know you got that A in Mr. Thurman’s class.

    And we know all too well how you got the A. Slut…*cough*

  7. chowner Says:

    John: I can hear you giving that speech and subtly, yet oh-so-cleverly ripping everyone apart.

    Shawn: Glad to hear that ye old line works for someone. Well done.

    David: Touche

  8. Trysh Says:

    while I can’t offer you any supportive ‘go get-em’s’ about your boner hiding techniques, I will say I’m intrigued as to how to make a bong out of a toilet paper roll and a pen? I’ve been using a duck and a rubber band but i’m always open to new techniques.

  9. Zeph Says:

    You forgot to mention eating lunch alone and breaking out into a sweat when your Chemistry partner is a Varsity gymnast with a low cut top. Not to mention letting out a loud stinker during stretches in gym class.

  10. Christian Says:

    This is f-ing hilarious. That is all.

  11. Doctor Handsome Says:

    I still think every commencement speech should end with, “Hey, everybody! We’re all gonna get laid!!!”

  12. Dan Says:

    The problem with this idea is that if you were a valedictorian, you wouldn’t know about any of that stuff. Oh it also wasn’t very funny

    • chowner Says:

      The problem with this comment is that it doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of the piece. Namely that it’s satirical. I guess we all know who wasn’t the valedictorian.

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