MEATLOAF: Did you see her?
ME: She’s kind of hard to miss.
MEATLOAF: Man, what I would do for a piece of that lovin’.
ME: Go on.
ME: You said, “What I would do for a piece of that lovin’”. So, what would you do for love?
ME: Such as?
MEATLOAF: I don’t know. Take her out for a nice dinner. Maybe a buffet or something like that.
ME: Buffet? Really?
MEATLOAF: Okay, how about seafood. Everyone loves Red Lobster.
ME: That’s a little better. What else?
MEATLOAF: Flowers I guess–
ME: And what? Chocolate? That’s original.
MEATLOAF: Diamonds and pearls?
ME: What are you Prince?
MEATLOAF: Hey, if it gets her in the sack.
ME: How gentlemanly.
MEATLOAF: You gotta do what you gotta do.
ME: Okay Casanova. Would you take part in a Devil’s threesome if she asked?
MEATLOAF: Sure. Provided–
ME: No crossing swords?
MEATLOAF: No. I was gonna say provided we tape it. There’s a lot of money in that racket.
ME: What racket?
MEATLOAF: You know, celebrity sex tapes.
ME: Right (Rolling my eyes).
MEATLEAF: It could help launch my comeback.
ME: I’m sure. And what if she wanted to introduce gerbils?
ME: You know, like Richard Gere. Gerbils. Butts. That kind of thing.
MEATLOAF: Sure, why not.
MEATLOAF: Hey man, whatever it takes.
ME: If you say so. And what about after the romp?
MEATLOAF: I don’t know.
ME: Would you take up jogging?
MEATLOAF: So what, now we’re dating?
ME: I don’t know what that has to do with dating, but yeah, I guess. You did say love.
MEATLOAF: Okay fine. If we’re a couple, then yeah, I’d do that.
ME: Would you give up meat?
MEATLOAF: No. Yes. Maybe for, like, er, a week or so.
ME: Would you shave or wax your back?
MEATLOAF: I’d do that.
ME: What about your pubes?
MEATLOAF: I already do that.
ME: What if she asked you to you know, snip snip… down there.
MEATLOAF: Sure. I don’t need any more little Meatloafs running around anyway.
ME: Would you fight a flamingo?
MEATLOAF: Excuse me?
ME: I said, would you fight–
MEATLOAF: I heard you. Man, you’re strange. Yes, I would.
ME: (Whispered) Yeah, I’m the strange one.
ME: Nothing… would you wear a cape?
MEATLOAF: Why not.
ME: Buy her a unicorn?
MEATLOAF: They’re not real.
ME: What if she thinks they’re real and won’t love you unless you believe?
MEATLOAF: Then yes, I would buy her a unicorn.
ME: From where?
MEATLOAF: What the fuck man?
MEATLOAF: I don’t know. I’d fucking find some deformed horse with a goddamn horn on its head. Or I’d glue a horn to a horse’s head.
ME: Right on. Would you get a tattoo of her name?
ME: Would you sell your slightly used toupee collection?
MEATLOAF: How many times have I told you John Tesh collects toupees, not me.
ME: Right. But if you did, would you?
ME: Would you Moonwalk all the time?
MEATLOAF: Yeah, I’d do that.
ME: Would you adopt Michael Jackson?
MEATLOAF: Sure, I’d do that.
ME: Always put the seat down.
MEATLOAF: Have you seen my place? She’d have her own bathroom.
ME: Still, would you put the seat down?
MEATLOAF: Yes, I’d do that.
ME: Stop soliciting prostitutes?
ME: (Hard stare)
ME: Would you write her a love song?
MEATLOAF: No, I won’t do that.
ME: But you said anything.
MEATLOAF: I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
How Meatloaf came to realize what he would, and wouldn’t, do for love.
MEATLOAF: Did you see her?