Bob Cole, Hockey Night in Canada’s play-by-play announcer: The early years

Age 9 – Family Trip

And NOW lets take a look at the STARTING LINEUP for today’s drive to the COLE FAMILY REUNION.

Behind the wheel, and still smelling like the scotch he drank last night, he’s prematurely balding, somewhat of a pushover and not much of a role model, BOB COLE SENIOR.

Joining him up front is the captain, coach, general manager, and all-around family dictator, WENDY COLE. She leads the family in punishment handed out and has an uncanny ability to smell bullshit, especially when related to doing your homework and chores.

In the backseat on my right wing is the resident family jackass, DEREK COLE. He claims to be the leading scorer, but we all know it’s a HUGE LIE, mainly due to the fact that, at the age of 14, he still wets the bed.

And finally, on my left wing, the league’s BIGGEST BITCH, who, I’m pretty sure doesn’t know my name – despite being 7 years my senior – SALLY COLE. According to her journal, she’s becoming more of a woman everyday and is TOTALLY IN LOVE with Marcus Hoffsteader, who she thinks is going to be the one – whatever that means.

Ladies and gentlemen, do not turn the dial; this is going to be one heck of a ride.

Age 11 – Report Card Day

We’re in for a DANDY tonight folks. You can feel the tension as both sides prepare to face-off in what could go down AS A BATTLE FOR THE AGES.

At stake: PRIDE.

VICTORY means walking away with your head held high; taking another step closer to reaching YOUR GOAL; achieving THE DREAM.

While defeat signifies that, despite your best efforts, YOU. HAVE. FAILED.

And here come the teams NOW.

Mom, baring her trademark scowl, appears to be fired up.

As for Derek, I don’t know if it’s the conditions, but he seems sluggish. Distracted even. One can only hope this is misdirection and when things get started, he’ll COME OUT FLYING.

He’s chosen milk and cookies for his warm up while Mom and Dad are drinking scotch. IT’S GETTING ELECTRIC. I hope you’re ready for some fireworks.

AND HERE WE GO!!

Right off the draw Mom is pointing fingers and waving the report card in the air. OH NELLY! She’s taking it to him. NOW DAD IS GETTING IN ON THE ACTION. Wait. No. My mistake, he’s just refilling his glass.

This is a ONE-SIDED AFFAIR so far. Derek just seems OVER MATCHED by my Mom and the cruel justice handed out by the Board of Education.

But wait, he’s showing some life. He’s taken the report card from Mom AND IS SHOVING IT IN HER FACE while pointing at something and flexing his arms. The gun show is on folks. He must be talking about his phys-ed mark.

HEAVENS TO BETSY those first grades were wild folks. I can only imagine what his science and math marks will bring.

And it looks like they’ve found them. OH BABY, the gloves are off now. We’ve got an old-fashioned barnburner on our hands. They are going at it now. THEY. ARE. GOING. AT. IT.

The action is relentless and though Derek’s language is foul, he can barely hold off her onslaught with his feeble excuses.

OH MY! He just pushed his chair out from the table. Now she NAILED HIM with her “where do you think you’re going young man?” look. He’s TERRIFIED. His head is hanging people. And she just…

OH BABY! She just crumpled up the report card and threw it in his face. It looks like he’s got another summer of training camp to look forward to.

What a dandy we just witnessed folks. WHAT. A. DANDY.

Age 13 – Mikey Wendel’s Party

You always hear about PEER PRESSURE, but you never really believe in it until someone calls you a sissy and tells you your VAGINA IS SHOWING.

And when put in a position like that, any seasoned pro worth their salt will tell you you have two options: Head to the bench for a line change or DROP THE GLOVES AND MAN UP.

So as we get ready for the second big party of the summer, the question on everyone’s mind is: Will Eli Fishwright raise the white flag or COME OUT SWINGING?

I’ll tell you one thing folks, if he has any hopes of hanging with the in-crowd, he needs to take his game to a new level. At the very least he’ll need to funnel a few beers; maybe do some Jello shooters. But, that’s just for starters. His real test will come when the reefer gets passed around.

And here HE COMES… with… it looks like A SIX PACK. Seems Eli is taking his social standing seriously. But how will this one play out folks? HOW?

OH BABY! He’s not even in the house and he’s asking for the funnel. Wow. I did not see that one coming and I think it’s safe to say no one else at the party did either.

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! WHOA NELLY! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? He just put down two beers in less than a minute. ELI HAS BROUGHT HIS ‘A’ GAME TONIGHT.

IT’S ON BABY. IT. IS. ON.

And he’s getting heated up just in time because I believe that’s the sweet yet pungent aroma of marijuana I smell. YESSIREE folks. Here comes the reefer. And will you look at that. It must be, I don’t know… five… six papers. WHAT. A. DOOZY.

Listen to all those coughs. WOW. That is one mighty joint. And here comes the moment of truth. Does Eli belong in The Show? OH BABY. That first hit was A BIG ONE. And now another. And again. He is going to town on that spliff.

Well folks, I think it’s safe to say Eli… IS DOWN. Oh my what a turn of events. He just took a FACE PLANT right into a rose bush. OOOH. That’s gonna leave a mark.

Well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe next year Eli. Maybe next year.

Age 15 – The First Time He Saw A Boob

HOLY MACKINAW!!!

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7 Responses to “Bob Cole, Hockey Night in Canada’s play-by-play announcer: The early years”

  1. Venom Says:

    Dude, you would be the best sports caller EVER!!

  2. Shawn Says:

    LOL @ the flexing as a way to emphasize the P.E. grade.

  3. chowner Says:

    Venom: Why thank you. I’ve always wanted that job. Though I’d probably get fired for swearing on live TV.

    Shawn: Tickets to the gun show always have a place in my mind.

  4. Chris Says:

    That is some great play by play. Clever idea, and loads of laughs. Thanks!

  5. Hisham Says:

    Very Cool!

  6. misstfied Says:

    When our next big sporting event comes up…I’m going to hire you. 😉

  7. Stuffapalooza « Shots Off the Crossbar Says:

    […] This Bob Cole parody is absolutely brilliant. The writer has all of Cole’s verbal ticks down […]

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