I am now accepting applications for the seat in my sidecar

Do you enjoy watching the sites whiz by at 100 mph? Do you love the sensation of the wind whipping through your mustache? Do you appreciate the nutritional value that comes with swallowing a bug? If any of these queries even remotely tickles your fancy then have I got some exciting news for you: The seat in my sidecar is now up for grabs.

As you rush off to update your resume, let me tell you a bit about myself, my bike Esmeralda, and lay down a few ground rules.

As the sole owner and operator, I am the one and only pilot – which is also one of the names that I ask for you to refer to me by. I’m also cool with: El Roaderino, Colonel Asphalt, or Bossanova (Boss for short).

Don’t worry, when in the mini-saddle you’ll have a road-worthy moniker too. Something like Side Pilot, or, depending on the journey, Little Leroy, #2, Starboard Admiral or Trooper.

As the Pilot, I will be responsible for choosing each destination, planning the route, selecting the playlist and scheduling pit stops. Now if you’re wondering: “What am I gonna do?” Let me tell you that, as the Side Pilot, first, you’ll have a number of responsibilities and second, you better check that attitude at the garage door.

When we’re on the road, I can’t stress enough how important communication is to the team. For starters, while I’m focused on the road, and our safety, I’ll be relying on your eyes to constantly be on the lookout for cops. As we’ll be travelling well in excess of the speed limit, tickets can get pricey and, as #2, you’ll be on the hook for half, so I need you to keep your eyes peeled at all times.

Next, when word comes through the headpiece that I need to go before a scheduled pit stop, you’ll be in charge of scanning the roadside for a suitable tree, or bush if necessary. When one is found, I’ll expect either a verbal heads-up or a hand signal (as outlined in the team manual) at least 500 feet beforehand.

Finally, when we’re not rocking out to one of my killer road trip playlists, I enjoy nothing more than a little friendly banter. So I’ll expect you to stay up-to-date on the latest current events, sports headlines and, for shits and giggles, some juicy celebrity gossip.

This brings us to the physical requirements I demand from a Side Pilot. Obviously, sidecars aren’t built to transport giants. So I’m looking for someone who is small, but dense. We need a little weight to keep the car grounded when cornering.

A mustache is also mandatory. Now I’m not particular as to the type you grow, but I do think a handlebar or a big Sam Elliot-style mustachio suit the bike quite nicely.

Another important trait is drinking. Road trips are all about camaraderie and nothing brings that out like a few frosty ales. Rest assured my drinking only takes place when we make camp for the night. And by camp I mean camping out at the bar in whatever hotel we’re staying at. (In separate rooms in case you’re wondering.)

It’s also helpful to know you’ve been in a few tussles during your time. I know I can take care of myself but I have to know you’ve got my back, just in case things get a little hairy. This is the open road after all.

As we tick more miles off the old odometer together, this will all become second nature to you. And before long, we’ll be singing along to Foreigner and sharing the beauty of the open road like only a Pilot and Side Pilot can.

So welcome to the team, Trooper. Jump in, strap up, comb your mustache and hang on for what will surely be the ride of your life.

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12 Responses to “I am now accepting applications for the seat in my sidecar”

  1. VE Says:

    Bwahaha…nice. I suppose I’d have to pump the gas too! I suppose I’m expected to eat side salads when we stop for food. I supposed I’m expected to take sides on the whole abortion issue. I suppose I have to step aside when there is a hot female hitchhiking.

  2. Shawn Says:

    Hmm, I could be interested. Can it be a fake mustache? I have a condition which prevents the growth of a real one. Can I smoke my cherry flavored tobacco pipe while in the sidecar? What do you think about attaching a small sidecar to the sidecar so my schnauzer can come along?

  3. thinkinfyou Says:

    I guess I’m out….I thankfully don’t have a mustache!

  4. chowner Says:

    VE: No, you won’t have to eat side salads. I’ll let you stand where you like on the second point. As for hot hitch hikers, what can I say, I’ll come back for you.

    Shawn: The danger with a fake mustache is that, at the speeds we’ll be traveling, it will blow off easily. As for the pipe, by all means enjoy. But, unfortunately, no pets allowed.

    Thinkinfyou: Phew.

  5. Trysh Says:

    Ooooo pick me! I do the ‘hand waving in the wind’ thing really well! 😀

  6. quirkyloon Says:

    Okay I have the mustache.

    I’m quite dense. At least that’s what others tell me.

    And I have an empty coffee can for those pit stops.

    And I love a cool, frosty mug of ginger ale!

    So whaddayasay Bossanova?

    *smile*

  7. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer Says:

    Hmm… I’m quite dense, but I’m 6’4″

    And quite frankly, I’d rather be your brother behind you in the “bitch seat” than be the ‘tard in the side car.

    Yes?

  8. bunga raya Says:

    Hi! Your blog is good

  9. chowner Says:

    Trysh: That’s an acceptable way to express road trip happiness.

    Quirky: You’re the leader in the clubhouse.

    John: At that size I’m gonna go ahead and say you should ride your own bike.

  10. Chris@Maugeritaville Says:

    Dear Colonel Asphalt,

    I would like to apply for the position of Sergeant Sidecar (if I may be so bold). I have the mustache (and goatee), my dad took me on motorbike rides throughout my childhood, and I am outstanding at both drinking beer and finding places to whiz. Additionally, here is my vocal audition:

    “Feelin’ down and dirty feelin’ kinda mean . . .
    I’ve been from one to the other extreeeeem!
    Time I had a good time, ain’t got time to wait . . .
    I wanna stick around till I can’t see straight.”

    Sincerely,

    Sgt. Sidecar, aka The Dirty White Boy

  11. chowner Says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen,

    I am no longer accepting applications as Sgt. Sidecar has been awarded the coveted seat.

    Thank you for your interest.

  12. Chris@Maugeritaville Says:

    WOO HOO! I’ll get the beer, you get the Foreigner CD’s!

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