Over the course of the last twenty-one centuries – and probably earlier but that’s as far back as any research goes – a common belief has surfaced that men cannot, and do not, cry. Though there is some merit to this theory, it has yet to be verified as either true or false. So, in an effort to determine its plausibility, I have set out to conduct the definitive study on the subject.
Of the 100 men I approached to participate in my study, 101 declined to take part. As such, I was forced to gather my data the old-fashioned way: by observing my subjects in their natural surroundings without their prior consent. Though it proved to be rather time consuming (and resulted in a few restraining orders) my findings, I believe, will help us better understand crying and its relationship to the true manliness of men.
What follows is a small sample of the research I conducted.
He’s a 34-year old ladies man. In fact, he parades a new one around his home 4 nights a week on average. Strangely, they never stay the night. Upon their departure, he takes to his bedroom where he watches 80s teen movies while drinking copious amounts of vodka. On his nights alone he switches to beer while watching, and re-enacting, videos of his glory days on the gridiron. Afterwards, it sounds like he cries himself to sleep, though in truth he just blacks out and snores violently.
He is a newly minted bachelor who lives in the basement of his parent’s house after coming out of a rough divorce on the losing end. In light of all this, he seems surprisingly happy. Though he hasn’t been taking advantage of his newfound free time as he spends it either hanging out at the local park feeding animals or surfing porn and dating service sites (according to his credit card bills). In spite of all this happiness, I heard tears coming from the basement the other night. Having said that, the sobbing sounded rather feminine, so I’m lead to believe they were his Mother’s tears after she discovered what he does to himself after hours.
The COO of a Fortune 500 company, at work he has all the power in the world. People fear him and, when in his presence, have invented new ways to kiss ass. Unfortunately, when he arrives home, the tables turn and he becomes the bitch. His trophy wife only talks to him to when her prize show dog needs something. They haven’t slept in the same bed for 14 months, and, even though they have 5 bedrooms, she makes him sleep on the couch. She also sleeps around like it’s her job – and he knows about it. To cope with this, he solicits high-class prostitutes, only he doesn’t sleep with, he pays them to cry for him.
Runs what appears to be a very successful sports book. He is so dedicated to setting the perfect line that he doesn’t have any time for a social life. As such, he doesn’t realize that his assistant, LaQuisha, is hopelessly in love with him. That also has to do with the fact that he is as stone cold and emotionless a person as I’ve ever observed. Which is why the odds are heavily in his favour that the crying I’ve overheard on my phone taps comes from his clients and not him.
A high school drama teacher who writes screenplays and TV shows on the side. He has had two pilots produced by networks. During one, the actors walked out in the middle of filming because the dialogue was so trite. The other did air, once – in Luxemburg. He has attempted to transfer this “creativity” to his classroom. Sadly, his class has the lowest attendance record in school. And the two plays he put on (his very own rewrites of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and Hamlet) weren’t even attended by the parents of the kids in the play. He takes these failures out on his students, which explains the moist, red-eyed teens I see leaving his office most days after school.
In conclusion, it now seems rather obvious that men do not, and cannot, cry. Tears from this sex are a myth that has been perpetuated over the centuries by those trying to attack the nature of their manliness. So, if you happen to see a man whom you think may be shedding a tear, now you know: it’s a fake. Those “tears” are the result of Visine (check their person for a bottle), a plucked nose hair, or so other form of Hollywood trickery.