MARY: Honey, I’m home.
JOSEPH: (Appears in the hallway with his arms folded across his chest looking rather perturbed.)
MARY: I hope you’re hungry because the lamb shanks I got could feed an… what?
JOSEPH: I’ve had it. I can’t deal with him anymore. He’s… I don’t… he just… it’s time he moved out.
MARY: What did he do this time?
JOSEPH: You know Abraham who lives down the street?
MARY: Yeah. Of course.
JOSEPH: Well, Jesus thought he would test Abraham’s devotion to God¬
MARY: How sweet?
JOSEPH: By having him sacrifice his son, Isaac.
MARY: What? That’s crazy. Human sacrifice. No… I don’t… he wouldn’t…
JOSEPH: He did.
MARY: (Sheer terror washes over her face.)
JOSEPH: Don’t worry. An angel intervened at the last minute and stopped him.
MARY: Oh, thank God.
JOSEPH: (Angry stare)
MARY: And you want to kick him out. After this he needs a father figure more than ever.
JOSEPH: A father… he’s 30. And when has he ever listened to a word I say. The only thing he cares about is impressing him. (Points to the heavens.)
MARY: He’s still learning how to wield the powers he was given.
JOESPH: You call turning water into wine learning?
MARY: (With great motherly pride) Yeah, that is pretty impressive.
JOESPH: I agree. It’s also extremely difficult to live with when you’re a recovering alcoholic.
MARY: …
JOSEPH: And how about walking on water?
MARY: The tourists really love that one.
JOESPH: And he loves the 5 gold pieces they pay to see him do it.
MARY: Well, you always tell him to be more like his Dad.
JOSEPH: I mean me. Not him. (Points to the heavens.)
MARY: No offense, but becoming a carpenter isn’t something ever little boy dreams of.
JOSEPH: …
MARY: Sorry. He’s my only child. It’s hard to let go.
JOSEPH: Maybe he wants the freedom–the independence.
MARY: Okay. Fine. Maybe you’re right. I’ll talk to him. On one condition–
JOSEPH: Anything.
MARY: He can come home for dinner every Sunday.
JOSEPH: Deal.
MARY: But where’s he going to live?
JOSEPH: I don’t know. He and Judas seem pretty tight.
Tags: Abraham and Isaac, human sacrifice, Jesus and Judas, Jesus Christ, Mary mother of Christ, walking on water, water into wine
freetheunicorns.wordpress.com 
July 30, 2009 at 8:09 am |
He’s tough to get rid of. Judas does seem like a well adjusted disciple though. Pass the salt honey.
July 30, 2009 at 10:22 am |
If only he’d found a nice girl and settled down…
July 30, 2009 at 10:50 am |
I think he’s got a bad case of arrested development – sort of like a movie character played by Seth Rogen.
July 30, 2009 at 7:06 pm |
Raider: We’re out of kosher salt.
Tiggy: Apparently he was into prostitutes.
Skip: Maybe Jud Apatow and the gang will make a comedy about Jesus starring guess who… Seth Rogen.
August 1, 2009 at 7:38 pm |
I think he would have been better off if they would have let him stay at home.
August 2, 2009 at 8:31 am |
Poor thing should have been left alone. Being an alcoholic is not as bad as how it really ended.
August 2, 2009 at 10:26 am |
Thinkinfyou: I agree: Mom knows best.
Etta: At least he’s in a better place now.
August 3, 2009 at 11:12 am |
I’m not going to lie. I sort of avoided this post for a while because I didn’t know how blasphemous you’d get. But I’m glad to see you didn’t go too far astray — until the comments. 🙂 Seth Rogen as Jesus!?! Now that’s blasphemy! I think Judd would pick Jason Segel myself.
August 3, 2009 at 11:39 am |
Rambler: Glad you gave it a look. And thanks for the casting tip. You’re right, Segel would make a much better Jesus.
August 4, 2009 at 12:24 pm |
I don’t have to listen to you Joseph. You’re not my real dad!
August 4, 2009 at 12:48 pm |
And that’s why I drink–you bastard.
August 4, 2009 at 9:28 pm |
(Gasp) Blasphemer!
He should have moved in with Mary Magdeline.
August 5, 2009 at 11:27 am |
Ha…good one! I’ll see you in hell. The BBQ is great there…
August 6, 2009 at 10:00 am |
VE: I hope it’s southern-style, slow cooked, saucy goodness.
August 6, 2009 at 2:13 pm |
That’s some sweet blasphemy! Now do one on the prophet mohammud so you can get some death threats!