Welcome to FenilTech Laboratories and thank you for joining us as we prepare to launch our latest over the counter mood alteration pharmaceutical.
This is a big step not only for FTL, but the entire industry. Needless to say, the staff are very excited about Zephenal PX – you can call it by it’s street name, Zeppelin, like the airship, not the band – and we look forward to seeing how it will change your life.
Before we get started and you sign the commitment papers, there are a few things I need to discuss with you.
If you flip to page 17 of your handbook, you’ll find Appendix A, which lists Zephenal’s “side effects”. FDA regulations demand that we call them “side effects”, but at FTL we prefer to call them Alternative Performance Boosters, or APBs as they’re known around the lab.
Another FDA regulation stipulates that I take you through all the APBs before we begin testing the drug, so let’s get started, shall we?
One of the first APBs we discovered, and one we feel you’ll be really excited about, is the Steven Tyler syndrome. This APB makes you believe and act like you are Aerosmith’s front man – during his “cool years” in the 1970s, not the lame post-rehab years when he made all those videos featuring Alicia Silverstone.
No sir, you don’t have to dress like him.
The next APB you’ll need to prepare for is an increased appetite. In most cases, this will take place in the form of sleep eating. When one of these nocturnal, subconscious cravings strikes, you’ll have a hunkering for terra firma, or dirt to the layperson. So do not be alarmed if you wake up to find yourself in a garden shoveling handfuls of topsoil into your mouth.
Those of you who don’t take up nocturnal snacking will instead develop a taste for leather. These cravings can, and will, strike at anytime, so be prepared that in the middle of, say, a status meeting, your belt may seem quite appetizing. As such we highly recommend you avoid using or wearing anything that is made from or contains leather during the trial period.
While on the subject of food, I also need to talk to you about soup. We ask that you please be careful, or all together refrain, from eating soup as there is a slight chance you may think your ears are your mouth while doing so. Surely I don’t need to tell you that this is an all-together uncomfortable feeling you do not want to experience.
Moving on, who likes to dance?
Great. For those of you who raised their hands, number 3 is an APB to take note of. During the trail period each day between the hours of 3 and 4pm, you may spontaneously break into dance – Riverdance to be exact.
No sir, you won’t have to dress up in the “faggy Irish garb”.
Please note: some of you should be prepared to contract what is known as two left feet. Luckily, you’ll still find yourself dancing, only in circles.
We’re just about done here, and though the last three APBs on the list are relatively minor, they are important nonetheless.
Even though none of you indicated on your application that you like Arby’s, during the trial, you’ll feel an urge to brag to everyone you know, and meet, that you are the Arby’s employee of the month. Do not be surprised if an employee of the month plaque of you in full uniform turns up on a wall in your home.
The next APB sounds much worse than it is. And I will tell you all right now: YOU WILL NOT SUFFER A HEART ATTACK. You will only feel like you are about to have one. This false trauma will be triggered in men by the sound of Oprah’s voice, and in women by the sound of Dr. Phil’s voice. If you can avoid watching these programs, chances are you will not have to worry about this APB.
Excuse me? No, he is not a real doctor. And I don’t know why he calls himself one.
That brings me–
No, I am not a member of her book club.
Where was I? Yes. Sideburns. I notice that a few of the men have them, and before the test period begins, I’d advise you shave them.
Well, the sight of sideburns longer than 1¾ inch will cause your nervous system to go into what we call “spaz mode”. That is to say, you won’t like them, and, upon sight you’ll demand the bearer shave them – immediately. This “request” will likely come in the form of a tourettes-like onslaught. To curb the anger of those you’re yelling at, we suggest you attempt to work in a joke about sideburns. Maybe something along the lines of, “Hey, the guys from 90210 called, they want their burns back.” But I’m just a scientist, so you may want to work out your own material.
And that brings us to the end of our alternative performance boosters. At least the ones we know of.
No ma’am, you can’t get an advance on your pay. But yes, it’s okay to drink alcohol during the trial.
Okay, if there are no more questions, we’re finished here and you’re ready to start the trial. Please pick up your samples on the way out.
Good luck. We’ll see you all in two months.