Oprah gets a job at Starbucks

Hi! Welcome to Starbucks! How may I help you!?

Oh, a venti cocoa latte. You know, that used to be my drink, too.

I know. It’s like a little bit of liquid heaven in your mouth.

Me too. It was my “escape” snack. Which, if you saw my show January, 22nd 2009, you’d know is totally acceptable three to four times a day during the first quarter of a diet makeover. Or at least I thought so. Then my good friend, Dr. Oz, sat me down for a little chat. And do you know what he said to me? He said, “Oprah, the fattiest, most caloric drink at Starbucks is not a part of the diet makeover we set up for you.” And he was right. I was eating so well – but I wasn’t losing any weight. It was a real Ah-ha moment. So I cut them out. Cold turkey.

Of course I didn’t stop coming to Starbucks. I just switched drinks. Now, I treat myself to two short Americanos everyday.

I know it’s watered down and doesn’t have the creamy deliciousness of our old drink, but with only 6 calories and 0 grams of fat, it’s great for our diet.

Why do I keep saying we? Because I’ve been down the road you’re on. And, as a friend, I’m just reaching out to share what worked for me; letting you know it can work for you, too. I just don’t want to see things… escalate.

No! I would never call you fat. I’m just suggesting you keep an eye on things.

Ma’am? Do you still want that Americano?

Good morning. What can–

Oooh, what are you reading?

That sounds fab. Is it a best seller yet?

No. It will be soon. Do you know why? Because it’s going to be my next book club pick. Hey, how would you like to meet me after work to talk about it a little more?

Lunch tomorrow then?

Thursday evening?

I’ll tell you what. I’m off at 9. If you make it, great. If not, I’m sure you’ll be in again and we’ll chat then. And when we do the coffee is on me.

Have a great day. And enjoy your book.

Right! What did you want again? Good choice. Enjoy it. And I’ll see you Thursday. Bring your notes.

Next.

Before I take your order, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I was watching you in line and noticed some serious tension between the two of you. In fact, I don’t think you’ve said a single word to each other since you entered the store. But I want you to know that I understand what you’re going through. Even Stedman and I don’t always see eye-to-eye. But no matter what happens, we’re always able to work it out. And do you know why? Because we talk to each other–about everything. No matter how big or small the issue, communicating with your partner is the important part of every relationship.

That’s a good start. But remember, this is a family establishment, so I need to ask you to tone down your language.

I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t know him, so I’ll just take your word for it. Now, do you have anything to say to her about that?

Good. Good. This is really good. We’re getting somewhere now. We’re opening up the lines of communication. Next, I’d like you two to take your drinks, grab a seat in the corner and make a list of all the things that are bothering you. Afterwards, you need to discuss what both of you can do to make these things easier on each other. Are there things you can avoid? Things you can talk about before they happen? Anything that helps you both understand how the other feels person feels about your actions. When you’re done, I’d love to check in and see how things are going. In case I’m busy, here’s Gayle’s number. You can call anytime. Maybe we’ll even try to get you on the show.

Of course. Silly me. How could I forget? Two Chai Iced Tea Lattes coming up. Hey, same drink, things are already improving.

Next.

What would you like today sir?

That will be $6.37 please.

I can’t help but notice you’re paying entirely with change.

Of course that’s not a problem. But it leads me to wonder if you’re your finances are in order. If not, I can help. You see my friend, Suze Orman, and I have put together what we call a debt diet. It helps you eliminate all the unnecessary costs in your life. And right now, I’m guessing, one of those costs is coffee. If you’d like–

Oh. I see. Well then, let me make it up to you. This one’s on the house. In fact, this is a perfect time for another giveaway.

Excuse me everyone! Can I have your attention! If you look under your seats you’ll find something special. YOU’RE ALL GETTING FREE COFFEE!!!

I can’t do that? Says who? You? “The manager”. Of course I can. I do it all the time on my show.

I know this isn’t my show, but it’s a nice treat for my fans.

What do you mean I’m fired? You’re fired. No, you know what? You’re not fired. I’m going to buy this company, rename it Oprahbucks, then make you a cashier–for life.

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8 Responses to “Oprah gets a job at Starbucks”

  1. quirkyloon Says:

    “Stedman and I don’t always see eye to eye.”

    That may be, but Stedman ain’t no fool. He sees $$$$ hangin’ out with the O! Must be nice to have a billionairess who is also a feminist so she INSISTS of footing the bill.

    He’s got it sweet. Sweeter than that latte mocha crap! Ha!

  2. Margaret (Nanny Goats) Says:

    Yeah, what does Stedman DO anyway?

    Love this post!

  3. Unfinished Rambler Says:

    The Americanos only have six calories and 0 grams of fat. Well, that’s good to know because I’m on Weight Watchers. Thanks, O, for the advice.

  4. chowner Says:

    Quirky: Stedman knows a sugar momma when he sees one. She probably pays the bill for his prostitutes, too.

    Nanny: Stedman spends her money – on prostitutes.

    Rambler: She’s full of advice. Solicited and not.

  5. ettarose Says:

    I loved this one and could just hear her voice. Stedman see’s enough money to turn a blind eye to the carpet munching goin on at Gayle’s place. Just sayin

  6. thinkinfyou Says:

    I thought I was watching Oprah in my head while reading this post!

  7. VE Says:

    Ha! I love the ending. That was so Oprah. Are you related to her?

  8. chowner Says:

    Etta: We all know the truth about Oprah and Gayle.

    Thinkinfyou: She thought she was in front of the camera.

    VE: My wife digs her, so maybe there’s some connection.

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