Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honour to introduce to you tonight’s opening act. You know him from the small screen, the silver screen, the many magazine covers he has graced, well, I could go on but you’d rather listen to him than me, so I won’t.
Now before I bring him out, there are a few ground rules I need to go over with you first. So please listen closely as these are important to both your safety and chances of you being able to view his show in its entirety.
First, and most important, please fill out and sign the release form you found waiting on your seats. Anyone who does not will be asked to leave the theatre immediately as we cannot be held responsible for what takes place during the show.
Great. I’m glad so many of you chose to stay.
The next thing I’ll ask is that you to do is avoid eye contact at all times. If he catches you looking at him, he will stop the show, come sit on your lap and stay there until you sing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” in either an F major or falsetto.
This would probably be a good time to inform you that, if he happens to pull out his gun, don’t fear, as I’m told it is not loaded. And when I say gun, I mean he carries a Walther PPK, not the one in his pants.
Okay. The lack of laughter following that joke segues perfectly into the next rule. He asks that you please, at no time during the show, laugh and/or applaud. You may, if desired, react when he refers to cutlery or takes a drink from his whiskey but if you do so, please cheer as though you were a part of Arsenio Hall’s Dog Pound. Also, he requests that anytime he uses the word “fuck”, you reply by saying “off”.
As I look out over the audience, I notice a great number of you are wearing blue. Unfortunately, that’s another no-no. So I’ll kindly ask you to please remove whatever it is you’re wearing. That goes for you, too, ladies. The usher will give each of you a claim check so you can pick up your clothes after the show.
I’ll thank you in advice for complying with rules.
Enjoy the show.