Mike Kroeger’s unpublished liner notes from Nickelback’s last album Dark Horse

Something In Your Mouth

We’re rock stars. What more can I say? (Well, I could tell you that a groupie wrote this song as a joke after Chad couldn’t get it up, but he’ll totally deny it. I could also tell you that I scored with her afterwards.)

Burn It To the Ground

On the surface this song is all about getting wasted. But when you examine the subtext, though it may not be overt, it’s about how Chad got drunk one night before a show, left his flat iron on and almost burned down the Air Canada Centre. I always told him that haircut was going to result in more than ridicule.

Gotta Be Somebody

I wrote this song during the All The Right Reasons tour after watching Chad spend an hour looking in the mirror while flipping his hair.

I’d Come For You

This one is about Chad’s god awful haircut. Not the old curly, greasy permed mess; the new straight one that he spends hours each day flat ironing, spraying, combing and whatever else chicks do to get their hair ready. Now you know how he feels about it.

Next Go Round

I really have no idea what this song is about. But from the title I’d guess it’s probably an ode to Chad’s next embarrassingly feminine hairstyle. That, or it’s about groupies.

Just To Get High

You know what I get high on? Making fun of Chad’s hair. My favourite joke about his old hairstyle was, “The 80s called, they want their perm back.” Now I like to remind him how, if he had this floppy girlish do before we got famous, he would be what the boys back home refer to as a “friend of Dorothy”. He still doesn’t get it. But whenever I say it, he ends up talking to Mom for an hour or so. I think I saw him cry once.

Never Gonna Be Alone

Chad wrote this song while starring in the mirror and flipping his hair. Unless he goes bald, he’s never gonna be alone. Then again, he’ll always have his ego.

Shakin’ Hands

Did you know Chad hires prostitutes not to do the stuff he sings about in this song (he got all that info from Ryan) but to get beauty tips? That’s how he learned how to give those of his goldilocks that shiny gleam.

S.E.X.

This is about a young couple in love and the first time they get intimate with each other. NOT. What are we? Some sugary sweet Canadian Idol winner? It’s all about Chad’s ego and how he knows that, even though his hair is ridiculous, chicks will still totally do him.

If Today Was Your Last Day

Chad sings this to himself every night before he goes to bed because every night before he goes to bed I tell him I’m going to shave his stupid goddamn hair. After hearing this crap for four years, we finally decided to record it because Mr. Ego thought, “the world needed to hear something positive”. Well guess what? It’s not some positive, carpe diem message. It’s about his hair. I wonder if his hair will be able to play the bass after I quit?

This Afternoon

This was originally about a hair salon that Chad frequents. The label thought that was a bit too ‘faggy’ so we had to change it. To be honest, I’m not really sure what it’s about now. But I do know one thing: everything doesn’t revolve around you and your hair douche.

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6 Responses to “Mike Kroeger’s unpublished liner notes from Nickelback’s last album Dark Horse

  1. VE Says:

    Ha! Next time the 80s call…send it to voice mail and tell them to text instead…that’ll confuse them…

  2. kathcom Says:

    See, this is Nickelback’s downfall: words. I actually liked these guys, bought an album. Then I listened to the lyrics and realized they’re ass clowns.

  3. alyssa Says:

    I am genuinely thankful to discover others writing more about this band. Too many good artists just don’t know how to last.

    • chowner Says:

      If by too many good artists don’t know how to last, you mean it’s because they don’t follow Nickleback’s route and continue to churn out formulaic drivel, then yes, I agree.

  4. Trysh Says:

    I used to love Nickleback in their ‘The State’ days. This new crap… totally embarassing to be from the same province as them. Sigh. Well at least we have Matthew Good to represent Canada…

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