Are you looking for a more rewarding career? Does the thought of total galactic domination excite you? Would you like to learn how to fatally choke someone using your mind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then a career with the Empire may be right for you. And by picking up this pamphlet you have taken the first step towards changing your life, and the galaxy, forever.
Becoming a part of the Empire is easy. A formal education is not required. You won’t have to pass any fitness or aptitude tests. And the Empire is an equal opportunity corporation so humans, aliens and all other life forms are encouraged to apply. As long as you demonstrate some capacity for anger and hatred and have the motor skills required to hold and fire a BlasTech E-11 blaster rifle, you’re in. Simply find a recruiting center on your planet and sign up. Then it’s off to the forest moon of Endor to begin your training.
Upon arrival you will receive your Dark Side Handbook and Training Manual, get fitted for your Stormtrooper uniform and take part in a brief orientation on the Empire. Then it’s time to start training. During your two weeks of training, you will be schooled in the ways of the Dark Side through a program personally designed by the Emperor and overseen by Lord Vader himself where you will learn to:
• Use a BlasTech E-11 blaster rifle
• Pilot a TIE fighter and/or AT-AT (All Terrain Armored Transport)
• Hate Rebel scum
• Set up road blocks and check points; tell people to “move along”
• March in unison with your regiment
• Distrust anyone in a cape (black excluded) who sports a braided side ponytail
• Embrace and utilize the powers of the Dark Side by drawing strength from your emotions
Upon completion, you will be given the choice to join either the Imperial Army or Navy. Then it’s off to battle where you will apply your new skill set towards helping the Empire achieve its ultimate goal: To destroy the aforementioned Rebel Alliance scum and take control of the galaxy.
Though both Sith Lord positions are currently filled (the “rule of two” dictates there is always one master and one apprentice) we’re always looking for the next in line. Special consideration for Sith Lord training will be given to those whom The Emperor and Lord Vader deem to be the most power hungry, exhibit extreme levels of anger and unmatched hatred and have “a connection” with the Dark Side of the force.
Special note: If you have children under the age of 5, or plan on having children, the Empire has recently established an Advanced Sith Lord Training Program to enable children to get a head start on strategies and techniques for developing hatred and embracing the Dark Side. If you would like to enroll your child in this program, please inform your recruitment officer as space is reserved on a first come first served basis.
As a member of the Empire, you’ll get to travel the galaxy. You’ll get to instill fear in others. You’ll get to experience the unlimited power that comes with embracing the Dark Side. And you’ll get to do all of this while enjoying the richest pay structure in the Galaxy. One that provides full benefits and an aggressive bonus plan that includes:
• 500 Galactic Credit Standards for every Rebel Alliance member killed
• 2500 for every Starfighter destroyed
• 10000 for every lightsaber recovered
Plus, members of the Imperial Force are now permitted to keep any loot recovered from slain Rebels.
The galaxy as you know it is about to change and by joining the Empire, your life will too. So if you’re the type of life form that is looking to do something positive with your life; if want a job that offers power for power’s sake and will nurture your deeply seeded hatred, then don’t miss out on your chance to be a part of history–join the Empire today.