What I imagine people are saying about me based on the beer I drink while sitting alone at the bar

–Normally I would laugh at a guy with hair like that but since he’s drinking a Canadian, it’s acceptable.
–It’s more than acceptable. It’s fashionable.
–I know what you mean. Even though hockey hair went out of style in the 80s, he totally pulls it off.
–I bet he doesn’t even know how good it looks on him.
–You know, it’s probably not even a style thing. I feel like he’s doing it just because he’s a great hockey player.
-No doubt.
–You know what? As of today, I’m going to start growing out my hair just like him.
–Me too.
–I think we should go talk hair with him.
–I’d love to. But if he thinks someone else is going to copy his hairstyle, he wouldn’t be an original anymore. And I can’t bear the burden of doing that to him.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***

–In no way does my masculinity feel threatened when I say the guy who just ordered a Guinness is the manliest man I have ever seen.
–I can’t put my finger on what it is, but I agree: he’s a man’s man.
–Yeah. That Hemingwayesque beard is money.
–And his knuckle hair says, “I will totally take you down in an arm wrestling contest.”
–But now that I think about it, that crop of chest and back hair flowing out of his shirt is what really sets him apart from other men.
–True. Not everyone can grow hair like that. And even those who can rarely make it look so macho.
–If there were a pill that would help me grow hair there, I’d take it.
–Same here.
–You know, we could go sit with him; buy him a beer.
–You don’t just sit down with a man like that. You wait until you’re invited. Plus, I think he’d think we’re trying too hard.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***

–Hunk alert at 10 o’clock.
–I thought it was 7:30.
–I meant 10 o’clock like over there at the bar. Drinking the Corona.
–Spotted.
–I can practically smell his mojo.
–Even though I know he’s a ladies man, it doesn’t bother me.
–It makes me want him even more.
–Let’s flip our hair to get his attention.
–Now let’s giggle real loud.
–Oh my God, why isn’t he paying attention?
–I’ll tell you why: because he’s out of our league. Even though he’s a total ladies man who knows he could have us both in the bathroom right now if he wanted, he’s also a gentleman who knows it’s better to totally ignore us than to hurt our feelings and reject us.
–What if we send him a beer?
–That’s just desperate.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***

–I don’t know what it is, but there’s something special about the guy sitting alone at the bar drinking a Stella.
–The fact he’s drinking from a chalice tells me he’s sophisticated.
–It’s like he’s of royal linage or something like that.
–Maybe his ancestors were knights of the round table.
–That wouldn’t surprise me.
–It’s probably why he’s wearing sweatpants and a ratty old t-shirt.
–He doesn’t want to draw any attention to himself.
–Exactly. He needs to blend in with the rest of us regular folks.
–We should join him, you know, to help him blend in.
–I’d like to, but that’s probably the last thing he wants. Being royalty, I’m sure the paparazzi chase him around all day. He probably just wants to be left alone for once in his life.
– You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***

–I’m just going to come right out and say it: that guy sitting alone at the bar drinking a Heineken is the definition of cool.
–True.
–If you look up cool in the dictionary, you won’t find a picture of him but you could put a picture of him beside the definition.
–Too bad it won’t say anything about his barbwire tattoo
–I agree. To me, barbwire tattoos were not at all a lame fad.
–I feel no shame when I say I’m jealous of his tattoo.
–And I feel no shame when I say I lack the confidence to wear sweatpants in public like him.
–Few can really pull them off like he does.
–He’s such a trendsetter.
–I know. Too bad we’re not sitting with him. We’d seem a lot cooler if we were.
–What if we buy him a beer? That way, he’ll know we’re cool too.
–I don’t know. I think he’d think we’re trying too hard.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

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2 Responses to “What I imagine people are saying about me based on the beer I drink while sitting alone at the bar”

  1. VE Says:

    Ha! You know, you’d be so much more awesome and original if you sipped your beer in the chalice from one of those crazy straws from the 70s…

  2. Dalton Says:

    And then you leave alone. It’s like you can see right though my clothes! How pitiful, and perfect!

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