Toddler’s Rights

On Eating

I may tug upon your pant leg and say “egg” over and over and over while leading you by hand to the fridge; I may ask you to open the fridge so that I may grab the eggs from within; I may wrangle a frying pan from the cupboard, drag it to the stove whereupon I may point at the element until you light it; I may jump up and down while you scramble the eggs while now screaming eggs over and over and over; I may, upon completion, guide you to my chair and have you strap me in; I may do this while now singing the word egg over and over and over, and then, when you place the first bite upon my lips, I may spit it back out, smile, and refuse to touch another bite, and you, dear parent, may do nothing at all about it. Unless, of course, you’re hungry and in the mood for eggs.

On Performing (and Other Activities) in Front of Friends & Family

I may run around the house pointing at random objects then say, in perfectly clear English, exactly what they are; I may flip through my favourite picture book and page by page point at objects and say, in perfectly clear English, exactly what they are; I may call out you by name repeatedly until you acknowledge me whereupon I will drag you by the finger and have you watch me play a game of trucks or “Men”; I may drag you to the stereo and point at it repeatedly until you turn it on that and then I may proceed to dance until I can’t dance any more; I may initiate a game of hide and seek then, during said game, I may proceed to always hide in the same and giggle the entire time I’m hiding; I may do all of this anytime I want, for as long as I want, in any state of dress I want but, when you ask me to do it in front of anybody, I may stare at you blankly like you’re speaking a foreign language and do nothing at all or, I’ll show you my belly button.

On Getting Dressed

I may throw every piece of clothing from my dresser on the floor until I find something I feel like wearing; I may then place said item(s) of clothing in your hand so that you may dress me; I may, tear then it off my body while you are in the process of putting it on me; I may run around the house in my diaper laughing and screaming while you chase me holding the piece of clothing I just discarded; I may eventually let you catch me and, when I do, I may request new items of clothing that in no way match or even go together, then, I may finally let you dress me; I may walk into the kitchen as you make my breakfast and utter a very loud and somewhat ironic “uh-oh” while holding a bundle of all my clothes in my hands; I may do any and all of this each and every time you attempt to dress me.

On Going Potty

I may go potty whenever and wherever I damn well please, with or without the presence of a diaper.

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One Response to “Toddler’s Rights”

  1. HumorSmith Says:

    Um, wait…that’s how children behave? Damn. No wonder I can’t get a date

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