Archive for the ‘Ask a Douche Bag’ Category

Ask A Douche Bag with Pete Wentz

April 3, 2009

Q: Obviously, you’re a big fan of guyliner. Although I think it’s totally gay – like I know you wish you were (do you remember that on NPR? Or talking about how you dig kissing dudes?). Anyways, it somehow seems to be working for you. I haven’t had a lot of luck with the ladies lately, so I’m wondering if you think it’s a look any guy can pull off, or is it just for girlie types like you?


A: Curious, it can totally work for you. I’ll even teach you how to put it on. Maybe lend you some my of clothes. Then we can hang out and stuff.


PS – have you ever kissed a guy before?

Ask a Douche Bag with Wilmer Valderrama

February 2, 2009

Q: Hey Fez,

Do you find that your accent helps or deters your efforts in picking up women? I ask because I’m considering taking voice classes for that very reason and I’m wondering how effective it is?

-Smooth Operator To Be

A: For Christ’s sake, it’s Wilmer, not Fez. And I hate that stupid accent. Chicks ask me to do it all the time, but I’m like, “Nah baby, forget that, check out my shaved chest.” That rarely works so I end up having to use the bloody accent. You can figure the rest out yourself.

Mack Daddy

Ask a Douche Bag with the guy from The Hills

December 29, 2008

Q: From everything I’ve read in the gossip mags, your special lady friend’s Mom hates your guts. My girl’s parents feel the same way about me. Anyway, I heard you two ran away and got married. I’m thinking about doing the same thing and I’m wondering, after we’re hitched, will they feel differently about me?

-Wants to Elope

A: Clearly you’re not up-to-date on your gossip dipshit. If you were, you’d know we faked the whole thing. It was all a publicity stunt to fan the flames of our dying popularity. And it totally backfired. People think we’re no-talent fame whores (duh) and Heidi’s parents gave me a headless voodoo doll for my birthday. So yeah, they feel differently–they hate me even more now.


Ask a Douche Bag with Brandon Davies

December 7, 2008

Q: I always see you in gossip mags with hotties even though you’re not very attractive and have super greasy hair. I don’t have your trust fund but I do have long, greasy hair. How can I use it to bag chicks like you?

–Fellow Greaser

A: I’m rich. You’re not. So you can’t. Now fuck off.


Ask a Douche Bag with Dr. Phil

December 1, 2008

Q: Dear Dr. Phil,

I watch Oprah everyday and then some of your show afterwards. But your voice is pretty annoying so I usually have to flip between you and Judge Judy. Anyway, sometimes you have interesting topics and give semi-decent advice. Being a single mom to two beautiful kids, who knows a lot of other single moms, I find I’m always giving out advice to others, too. Now you seem to have come out of nowhere and made a big name for yourself without really doing anything other than giving out really simple, common sense advice (stuff that people should know without your help). So my question is: How can I apply my practical real world knowledge (that you don’t have) and make it big like you?

-Looking To Help Others

PS – Are you a real Doctor or do you just get to call yourself one because you’re tight with Oprah?

A: Two words LTHO: Oprah. I’m basically a pet project of hers. She made a bet with Steadman that she couldn’t take an alcoholic loser and make him a household name. I guess she won. I mean I don’t really know anything about helping people. Her staff puts together my entire show and I just memorize lines or read off cues cards, but somehow it seems to be working. (And making me loads of money.) So maybe if you write Oprah a letter or something, she’ll give you your own show too. It all depends on if she’s in one of her “I’m God” moods.

And no, I’m not a real Doctor. She pulled some strings and had someone give me an honorary doctorate of some kind.

Good luck,

Ask a Douche Bag with Dane Cook

November 24, 2008

Q: Hey Dane, I’m a D-list movie star just like you. I’ve starred in a number of straight to VHS movies and had some non-speaking roles in a few Movie the Week specials–again, just like your early days in Hollywood when you were a no-name, open mic night only comic. But, unlike you, I haven’t been able to get a speaking role in a box office disaster. Seeing as how no one thinks you can act or are remotely funny, how’d you do it? Is the Harvey Weinstein story true?

-Wanna be

A: Goddammit, for the last time I did not toss Harvey Weinstein’s salad. I only jerked him off. Also, I’m now officially a B-list star. And, for the record, a few people have laughed at my jokes over the years. Although if I’m being totally honest here, the only jokes I ever told that people laughed at were jokes I stole from other comedians. Which, ironically, is how I got bumped up to B-list status. A bunch of big shot comedians went to the studio bosses and begged them to put me in a movie so I would stop doing stand up and ruining their jokes. So there you have it. To make the jump from D- to B-list you’ve got to toss Weinstein’s salad, I mean tug him off. That, or steal jokes.

The Cookster

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Ask a Douche Bag with Kriss Angel

November 17, 2008

Q: I love you Mind Freak. And I love magic–sooooo much. Ever since I was little, I’ve been fascinated by magic. And I’ve totally always wanted to be a magician. At first I was thinking maybe I’d be the legs in the “Saw a woman in half” trick. But my mom always tells me how pretty I am, so now I might want to be the head. I don’t know what to do Mind Freak. How can I make my dream come true and be a magician like you?

–Legs or Head

A: How many fucking times do I have to say this: I’m an illusionist not a fucking magician! Get it straight you unless fucking twat! God, I hate you. I swear, the next person who calls me a magician… I don’t know…
I actually will saw them in half. But for real, not like that bullshit trick you based your stupid life’s dream on.

Fuck off,
Mind Freak

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Ask a Douche Bag with the guy from The Hills

November 10, 2008

Q: Dear Schmuck, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5-years now and we’re totally in love. I know we’ll get married one day, but I feel like there’s a lot I haven’t experienced yet if you know what I mean. You seem like the kind of weasel who can advise me on how to keep her and sow my oats? What should I do?


A: Wow! Andy must be American for moron, because if you don’t know how to handle this situation, that’s exactly what you are! Luckily, I’m the kind of weasel who knows how to deal with this. (Funny side note: My fiancé’s Mother calls me a weasel too.) Anyway, the plan is simple: You propose, and then mess around behind her back. Like I always say, “There’s nothing wrong with a mouth hug, even if the mouth doing the hugging isn’t your fiancé’s”. You can get full-time action from her, and action on the side from random sluts. It’s a win-win situation. (It also helps if your fiancé is a dim-witted blonde who is easily distracted by shiny things and is usually busy having her picture taken for some bullshit magazine.)


P.S. What’s a schmuck?

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Ask a Douche Bag with Joe Francis

November 3, 2008

Q: Hey Joe, I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months now, and other than the occasional dry hump, things have been pretty tame. How can I get her to go wild like the girls in your videos?

– Wants a Wild One

A: The first question you should be asking yourself is: Am I gay? No action in six months–seriously? Not even a mouth hug? If I’m not making progress in six minutes, I move on.

I’m inclined to call you hopeless if you haven’t already tried the obvious: Drugs and alcohol. You’ve surely noticed from all my tapes, the girls aren’t exactly of sound mind. They’ve usually had a few drinks before I approach them (that or a cocktail of other recreational drugs.) Anyways, if they’re at all reluctant to show their tits, I just get them a few more drinks. Or, if they’re bitchy about it, I roofie them. That usually does the trick. If you’re thinking this sounds a touch like prostitution, don’t worry, I only sleep with the girls I don’t drug or buy drinks for.

Also, self-esteem seems to be a big indicator of whether or not they’ll get freaky. If they’ve got any, they’re probably not going to get naked in front of a camera. So if this prude of yours has any self-esteem left after dating you for six months, you’ve got to destroy it. If you don’t know how, you truly are hopeless.

Good luck (you’ll need it),

P.S If you ever get any, and happen to film it, send me a copy.

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Ask a Douche Bag with Charlie Sheen

October 27, 2008

Q: Hi Charlie,

I’ve recently noticed the turbulent investment markets. Given the fact that so many rich banker douche bags are losing all of their money, there’s probably a lot less demand for really expensive hookers. Do you think that this would allow me to score some deals on high priced call girls? Or will it just make me look cheap?

– Mr. In Urrendo

A: Remember, Mr. In Urrendo, this is the world’s oldest profession. Although it has long suffered at the hands of our legal system, it is–and always will be–recession proof. As long as people are horny, there will be a call girl out there to provide the necessary services. So, yes, even with a little less disposable income, you’ll still be able to score some high-class ass. But here’s a little advice from a seasoned pro, never think of yourself as cheap–you’re a shrewd negotiator. And you’re dealing with a savvy group of businesswomen, who, even though their legs are always open, live by the business credo, Always Be Closing. So never forget you’re conducting a business transaction; and all you have to do to seal the deal is make the right offer. Good luck my friend. And enjoy.

The C. Ma. Sheen.
Maxim’s #2 Living Sex Legend

P.S If all else fails, call 1-800-MADAME1 and tell them The Machine sent you.