Archive for the ‘Hollywood’ Category

Please welcome tonight’s guest

November 2, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honour to introduce to you tonight’s opening act. You know him from the small screen, the silver screen, the many magazine covers he has graced, well, I could go on but you’d rather listen to him than me, so I won’t.

Now before I bring him out, there are a few ground rules I need to go over with you first. So please listen closely as these are important to both your safety and chances of you being able to view his show in its entirety.

First, and most important, please fill out and sign the release form you found waiting on your seats. Anyone who does not will be asked to leave the theatre immediately as we cannot be held responsible for what takes place during the show.

Great. I’m glad so many of you chose to stay.


A conversation between Tori Spelling’s literary agent and ghostwriter

July 17, 2009

LITERARY AGENT: So, Tori called, she’s thinking about writing another book.
GHOSTWRITER: You mean she wants me to write another book for her.
LA: Pretty much.
GW: So what’s this one about?
LA: She was hoping you’d have some ideas.
GW: Again. Do you know how the idea for the first book came about?
LA: I’ve heard some stories.
GW: Did you hear about how she used to call me when she was wasted, talk about wanting to “write” a memoir and then proceed to summarize old episodes of 90210 claiming they were based on her life and ask me to “pretty them up” for the book?
LA: Yeah. That one got around.
GW: Did you know each time she was a different character?
LA: (stifling a laugh) I hadn’t heard that part. Hey, how about the story behind the book’s title? Is it true that you got the idea to name it sTORI TELLING because she’s notorious for signing her name wrong?
GW: No comment.

How Meatloaf came to realize what he would, and wouldn’t, do for love.

April 26, 2009

MEATLOAF: Did you see her?
ME: She’s kind of hard to miss.
MEATLOAF: Man, what I would do for a piece of that lovin’.
ME: Go on.
ME: You said, “What I would do for a piece of that lovin’”. So, what would you do for love?
MEATLOAF: Anything.
ME: Such as?
MEATLOAF: I don’t know. Take her out for a nice dinner. Maybe a buffet or something like that.
ME: Buffet? Really?
MEATLOAF: Okay, how about seafood. Everyone loves Red Lobster.
ME: That’s a little better. What else?
MEATLOAF: Flowers I guess–
ME: And what? Chocolate? That’s original.
MEATLOAF: Diamonds and pearls?
ME: What are you Prince?
MEATLOAF: Hey, if it gets her in the sack.
ME: How gentlemanly.
MEATLOAF: You gotta do what you gotta do.
ME: Okay Casanova. Would you take part in a Devil’s threesome if she asked?

My documentary on marijuana

February 24, 2009

Open on me standing in front of a bungalow in the suburbs. “Here we are in front of a bungalow in the suburbs. To the naked eye it looks to be a regular bungalow in the suburbs, but to the trained eye it is actually a marijuana grow-op.”

I begin walking up the driveway. “Using the everyday family life of suburbia as a disguise, grow-ops are becoming more popular every year.”

I pause at the front door. “And it’s no wonder when you add up the numbers. The average sized suburban grow-op consists of 15-20 plants, each yielding about 2 pounds of marijuana. At 6 crop cycles per year, with a street value of $2000 per pound, these mad scientists bring in an average of $480,000. Not bad for a bunch of stoners if you ask this reporter.”

I ring the doorbell. “Luckily, through an anonymous connection, I’ve arranged a sit down with a group of ‘farmers’ who have agreed to speak with me about their operation.”

Perfect Strangers: Selections from the diary of Larry Appleton

February 5, 2009

July 22 1986

What a day. I was baking Madeleines for book club when I heard a knock at the door. I secretly hoped it was the buxom redhead from across the hall. Alas, it was some guy named Balki claiming he’s a distant cousin of mine who just got off the boat. He asked if he could “crash my couch”. I was about to call the cops when he produced a picture of me with Aunt Myrtle, so I let him in.

July 29 1986

Well, it’s been a week and he hasn’t stolen anything, touched me inappropriately or threatened my life. Plus he cooks and cleans. Looks like I won’t need to make that call to INS after all.

August 1 1986

Holy shit, I think he’s a got a woman out there. I don’t know whether I should be impressed or jealous. Either way, I haven’t seen a real live naked woman since that lady in 14C across the street changed with her blinds open.

August 5 1986

Two weeks and, I must admit, he’s growing on me. He gets me out of the apartment for more than work and book club. Like last night we went to a bar and I talked to a woman. (Note to self: Find out more about this Bartender character.) He also took me to the gym and I didn’t break into a cold sweat or hyperventilate when I touched a weight. Plus, he’s hilarious. It’s his naïveté – and these silly little catch phrases, “Where did I come up with these?” and, “Don’t be ridiculous” – that people laugh at, but so what, he’s a riot.

The Trojan Horse (A Play)

December 19, 2008

Guard: Um… what is this?
Second Guard: It’s a giant wooden horse genius.
Guard: Thanks Captain Obvious, I can see that. But where did it come from.
Second Guard: Beats me. Maybe there’s a card.
(They look around)
Guard: Here it is.
(Reads it aloud)

Dear Priam,
I’m sorry I tried to conquer your kingdom.
It was foolish of me to underestimate your
strategic brilliance.
I’ve heard you’re quite fond of horses so
I hope you’ll accept this as a token of
forgiveness for my foolish behavior.


Daily Planet: Behind The Scenes

November 11, 2008

JIMMY OLSEN: Clark, can we talk?
CLARK KENT: Sure Jimmy. What’s on your mind?
JIMMY: It’s about Superman. Can we go somewhere private?
(They step into an office.)
CLARK: Look, if this about you not getting a byline for the recent exclusive, I can talk to Perry and make sure he knows you helped me out.
JIMMY: No. That’s not it. I’m working on something bigger.
CLARK: Bigger than Superman’s love life? I don’t know about that Jimmy. But run it by me anyway.
JIMMY: I know who he is.
CLARK: (gasps) You what!?!… I don’t… um… wow, that’s interesting. How much do you know?
JIMMY: Well, I’ve been doing some serious digging Clark. I know everything.
JIMMY: Are you ok?
CLARK: …I need a minute.
JIMMY: Sure.
CLARK: Wow… I… uh… I don’t know what to say. I mean I knew this day was coming. I just never expected to feel so… so… liberated.
JIMMY: That’s one way to put it.
CLARK: You know, I’m glad it finally happened.
JIMMY: Me too.
CLARK: All the secrecy was becoming somewhat of a burden.
JIMMY: (confused) Ok.
CLARK:  But now it’s like this enormous weight has been lifted from my bulletproof chest.
Jimmy: Your what?
CLARK: And I can finally lose these ridiculous glasses. (Throws them down.)
JIMMY: Clark, what’s going on?
CLARK: Do you know what the best part is Jimmy?
CLARK: I don’t have to hide behind this clumsy reporter facade anymore. I’m free. No more running from the crime scene in search of the closest phone booth.
JIMMY: What are you talking about Clark.
CLARK: I’ve never felt more alive. (Tears open his shirt.)
JIMMY: Holy shit!
CLARK: I know. I look totally different, don’t I?
JIMMY: No… yeah… well, I guess. I… I don’t know what to say. Until now, I thought Superman was Lex Luther.
CLARK: Really? Wow… I did not see that coming. This is kind of embarrassing. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna go ahead and leave now.

The original ending to Lord of the Rings

September 30, 2008

FRODO: There’s something I need to tell you Samwise Gamgee.
SAM: Yes Mr.Frodo.
FRODO: I love you.
SAM: I know.
FRODO: No Sam, you don’t.
: …
FRODO: I. Love. You. I want to be with you Sam.
SAM: You mean you’re coming back to the Shire?
FRODO: No Sam. I’m in love with you the way Aragorn loves Arwen.
SAM: Oh…
PIPPEN: I knew it.
FRODO: (Stares at Sam longingly)
FRODO: Say something.

(Long pause)

SAM: I’m in love with Rosie. She’s having my baby. We’re just friends.
MERRY: Awkward.
FRODO: But you followed me across Middle Earth. You trimmed my foot hair. You even killed for me.
SAM: Ok, so we’re best friends. I don’t know what else to say. I’m not into dudes.
FRODO: But Sam, what will I do without you?
SAM: You’ll always have Gandalf.
SAM: So, I’ll see you around.