Archive for the ‘Journalism’ Category

Hostessing tips from Martha Stewart’s ex-cellmate.

December 24, 2015

Christmas

A good hostess begins looking after her guests the moment they walk in the door. So after you take their coat and pat them down, offer up a round of drinks right quick.

Eggnog is the traditional choice because, “It tastes like Christmas,” and “really gets you in the holiday spirit.” If you like to drink your pancakes, by all means serve eggnog. On the other hand, if you want to serve something totally different from anything your guests have ever tried before, I recommend Pruno. It’s super easy to make a batch at home – especially if you’ve got more than one bathtub. And, if you need to add some seasonal flavor, just toss a few cinnamon sticks and cloves up in there.

Another great way to spice up your party is with a gingerbread house contest.

Have the pieces and icing pre-made and decoration stations set up around the table.

Then get everyone to build a replica of you prison and use the decorations to leave a trail showing how they would escape. It’s guaranteed fun for the whole crew.

Merry Christmas!

Birthday Parties

Kids love themed birthday parties. So do I for a number of reasons. But here’s the thing, no matter how extravagant the theme, no matter how many helium balloons you’ve got, even if your parole officer does magic on the side, nothing beats the cake. Nothing! That’s all the kids really want. Here’s a fun and easy way to take the cake experience up a notch. It’s the perfect combination of two things everyone loves. You’re eating birthday cake when all of a sudden, hey, what’s this inside? Surprise, it’s a gift.

Happy Birthday indeed! (more…)

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Recovering meataholic seeks meat-lover to watch eat

April 16, 2012

Simply put: I want to watch you eat.

I am a recovering meataholic who up until 1 week ago ate meat everyday resulting in extremely high blood pressure, endometrosis and orders from my doctor to “stop eating red meat immediately unless you want go out like Elvis.” I’m looking for a fellow meat lover who will allow me to watch them eat while describing every bite in detail.

If you’re after a long-term relationship/friendship, please look elsewhere. I’m literally only interested in hearing what your meal tastes like. In between bites, if we must talk, I’m into baseball, Conservative bashing, reality TV and juggs. Bottom line: As long as large pieces of red meat are a mainstay in your diet, we can make it work.

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Rejected Penthouse Forum letters

September 9, 2009

Confection Connection

We met in line at the Vanni Bros. Bakery. She was number 9. I was 13. The attraction was instant – if you saw her ankles, you’d know why. Our body language said, “How you doin?” but the flirtatious glances said more. The connection was further confirmed when we realized we both ordered the same confectionery: chocolate truffle cake.

At the cash register, I learned hers was for a party at her sister’s. Mine, on the other hand, was to help me cope with another big loss by my beloved Toronto Blue Jays – and the $1,000 it cost me. Anyway, when I left she was waiting outside, smoking. If you’d seen the way she inhaled, you’d further understand the attraction.

As she ground out her cigarette, she asked for a ride to the party. Before I knew it she was feeding me cake by hand while screaming out directions. I was so caught up in the cake, and her fingers, I hardly realized we were at the party. The next thing I knew she out of the car. I never even knew her name. Plus, I had no more cake.

Unlucky #13

****

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Y.E. Yang needs a new interpreter

August 17, 2009

Yang became the first Asian-born player to win a major Sunday with a stunning performance in the PGA Championship, memorable as much for his clutch shots as the player he beat: The mighty Tiger Woods.

-Associated Press

First and foremost, I do not want to thank God. My life is complete without him and everything I do is in no way because of him.

Second, I would like to say to my wife and family, I probably would have been standing in this place many more times, and had many more trophies, had it not been for you. You have never been there for me. In this moment, the greatest of my life, I want you to know that you mean nothing to me.
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Side effects may include…

August 7, 2009

Welcome to FenilTech Laboratories and thank you for joining us as we prepare to launch our latest over the counter mood alteration pharmaceutical.

This is a big step not only for FTL, but the entire industry. Needless to say, the staff are very excited about Zephenal PX – you can call it by it’s street name, Zeppelin, like the airship, not the band – and we look forward to seeing how it will change your life.

Before we get started and you sign the commitment papers, there are a few things I need to discuss with you.

If you flip to page 17 of your handbook, you’ll find Appendix A, which lists Zephenal’s “side effects”. FDA regulations demand that we call them “side effects”, but at FTL we prefer to call them Alternative Performance Boosters, or APBs as they’re known around the lab.

Another FDA regulation stipulates that I take you through all the APBs before we begin testing the drug, so let’s get started, shall we?

Okay.
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Crying: A Cultural Study on the History of Men and Tears

July 2, 2009

Over the course of the last twenty-one centuries – and probably earlier but that’s as far back as any research goes – a common belief has surfaced that men cannot, and do not, cry. Though there is some merit to this theory, it has yet to be verified as either true or false. So, in an effort to determine its plausibility, I have set out to conduct the definitive study on the subject.

Of the 100 men I approached to participate in my study, 101 declined to take part. As such, I was forced to gather my data the old-fashioned way: by observing my subjects in their natural surroundings without their prior consent. Though it proved to be rather time consuming (and resulted in a few restraining orders) my findings, I believe, will help us better understand crying and its relationship to the true manliness of men.

What follows is a small sample of the research I conducted.
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A transcript of my interview with the editor of the local paper for the position of obituary writer

May 18, 2009

EDITOR: So, why obits?
ME: Dead people can’t exactly complain about your work, because, you know…
EDITOR: Huh, I never thought of it like that before.
ME: And, it seems pretty easy.
EDITOR: How… what makes you say that?
ME: You make dead people seem like they had an interesting life.
EDITOR: We don’t make them seem interesting. We remember their lives.
ME: But what if they were really boring?
EDITOR: We’re not here to judge. Our job is to respectfully tell their story, no matter what that entails.
ME: I’m not judging. I’m just saying, what if they were losers. You know, didn’t have a lot of friends, didn’t party much. Just hung out, watched fake judges yell at people on TV and played crosswords. Stuff like that.
EDITOR: We generally focus on career and family.
ME: Oh, that makes sense I guess.
EDITOR: Good–
ME: Still, you embellish a little, right?
EDITOR: We don’t usually, no.
ME: Just hear me out.
EDITOR: Fine.
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Landmark Decision Handed Down in the Chuck Norris v. NBC Lawsuit.

March 17, 2009

A Supreme Court judge has ruled that the title of NBC’s hit show Law & Order directly violates an Intellectual Property law, and, as a result, has granted Chuck Norris’ left and right legs sole ownership of the names “Law” and “Order” and $183 million in punitive damages.

After hearing testimony from a number of extras who where on the receiving end of Norris’ famed roundhouse kicks and watching hours of footage from classic Norris work such as Delta Force I & II and Walker, Texas Ranger, Justice Winston Humphrey said he had no trouble reaching a verdict. “It is clear that since Mr. Norris began delivering roundhouse kicks, his legs have been a lethal force, and, having come to be known as “Law” and “Order” in 1986, some four years before Law & Order the TV show was created, the names are his, and his alone to use as he sees fit.”
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The Gotti Tapes

March 2, 2009

After a lengthy legal battle, Barton & Baumgartner has finally published the highly anticipated first volume of John Gotti’s conversations as recorded by the FBI (Things Gotti Said, Vol. I, 2 discs, plus transcripts, $29.99). The decision to release the tapes drew the ire of the FBI because, as senior analyst Wentworth Hampton III contends, the contents directly contradict testimony given by former Gotti underboss Salvatore “Sammy The Bull” Gravano – the informant who helped bring Gotti down. The FBI feared Gotti’s lawyers would use evidence from the tapes to appeal the charges against him. When reminded that Gotti died in 2002, they reluctantly dropped their suit. So, without further ado, the first Gotti tape:

GOTTI: Did you take care of that thing?
BOSCO: The thing at the club? Or the thing on 12th?
GOTTI: No, the thing at Rocco’s.
BOSCO: Oh, that thing. Fugetaboutit. It’s done. Just the way you asked.

Recorded a few days after his first meeting with Rocco “Hand Cut” Lampone – the finest tailor in New York – it serves as an introduction to Gotti’s love of fashion and provides an insight as to why his contemporaries referred to him as “The Dapper Don”. According to Mentz, the noted Mafia fashion expert, “just the way you asked”, meant double-breasted, short sleeves (he liked to show no less than 1” of cuff) and imported silk. This style was typical of the time, and when Gotti learned of this, he used his influence at the ports to re-direct any shipments of silk to warehouses owned by his family. Of course, Sciattia already wrote about Gotti’s temper and how, when someone else wore silk, he would take to screaming “cappuccino” until they changed (Gotti: The Silk Princess, Simpson Publishing). To combat other similarities in style, Gotti began demanding that Lampone replace any buttons on his suits with Velcro. Lampone’s staunch refusal to work with Velcro saw Gotti turn to the velour leisure suit, thereby ushering in a whole new style of Mafia attire.

On the second tape
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Breaking News: Christmas Cancelled Pending A Miracle

December 24, 2008

North Pole (AP) – The North Pole, and the rest of the world, received a crushing blow early this morning when news leaked that disgruntled elves have shut down production at Santa’s workshop effectively cancelling Christmas.

According to Winston, Santa’s head elf, the decision was made to stop toy production because Santa is, “A Dictator and a hypocrite.” He went on to say that, “The fundamentals of Christmas revolve around the Naughty and Nice list… And believe you me Santa is most definitely on the Naughty list.”

The boycott took shape in the aftermath of “yet another failed promise” to upgrade production facilities in the workshop and cut work hours from 20 to 18 per day.

“He’s stuck in the past, man. He insists we make everything by hand and will not allow us to use computers or power tools,” says Melvin, floor manager. “One of my cousins is a Keebler elf. Those guys make over 250,000 cookies a day. Do you know they do it? Modern technology. And they only work four 10-hour days a week. Four. We’re lucky if we get a week off all year long. And, they get to star in their own TV ads. We on the other hand do all the work for chubby but get no respect or credit. Something needs to change.”

Though the movement for change is strong, there is a small group who haven’t joined the protest. Says one anonymous Santa supporter; “This is the ultimate gig for an Elf. I mean we’re working for Santa Claus. Put that on a résumé and you’ve got a golden ticket to pretty much anything. I don’t want to blow that.”

Rumor has it the Teamsters have intervened on behalf of the Elves and are in the middle of nasty negotiation with Santa to broker a deal before midnight that will get Christmas back on track.

Until that miracle occurs the mood is tense as no one is making an effort to cross a picket line crowed with signs such as: Share the Cookies Fatty, Dictators are DICKS, We Don’t Believe, and Authoritarianism is so 1940s.