Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

Limited time all-inclusive packages from

July 21, 2011

Weight Watcher Retreat

• Personal Chef
• Complimentary sweat suit
• In room vending machine restocked daily
• 5 pools, each with a swim up diner
• Daily hot dog and pie eating contest
• Courtesy golf cart for all on-premise transportation
• Free Wi-Fi

Husband/Wife Exchange Package

• Luxury accommodations in same or separate rooms
• Spousal exchange program
• Complimentary sex toy gift basket
• Full-service brothel
• On-premise divorce lawyer
• Free Wi-Fi

Marine Package

• Underwater bedrooms
• Complimentary scuba lesson (sex with instructor included)
• Breakfast/lunch/dinner fish & seafood buffet
• Choice of one (1):
-full day charter fishing trip
-to be read Old Man and the Sea by a Hemingway-esqe character
• Free Wi-Fi

Sun Worshiper Escape

• Personal towel/lotion boy/girl
• In room tanning bed
• Complimentary Speedo and/or thong
• 3 open-air restaurants, 2 restaurants with retractable roof
• No dress code (designated nude areas)
• Free Wi-Fi

Things I’ve been called since shaving my goatee and exposing my chin to the world for the first time in 7 years

January 26, 2010

A 10-year old boy (I’m 31)
Not my husband
Nut sack chin
Bald headed, bald chinned S.O.B.
Not as fat
Still fat but less hairy
Freaky upper lipped S.O.B
Jay Leno but gayer
The inspiration for the 6th of Michael Jackson’s 8 chins
A weird S.O.B

Though Robert Palmer “Didn’t Mean To Turn You On”, he did mean to:

August 24, 2009

Take you out and show you a good time
Try to be nice
Play hard to get while simultaneously charming your pants off
Speak in innuendos he had no intention of following through on
Take you home then tell you he had to get up early tomorrow
Not give in to your promiscuous ways
Tease you
Turn you on

Things Bo don’t know

July 24, 2009

What T-Pain sounds like without auto-tune
How to say no to his Mama’s cooking
Who the hell Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton are
How they put the wonder in Wonder bread
Why Amy Winehouse won’t go to rehab
How to beat around the bush
What’s going on with the economic bailout
The Colonel’s secret recipe
What’s the point of Twitter
Why Barry Bonds head is so big (literally and figuratively)
How nobody has yet to figure out that Clark Kent is Superman

Song names rejected by Coldplay before they finally decided on “Yellow”

June 15, 2009

Golden Poppy
If You Don’t Reciprocate My Love, I’ll Bleed Myself Dry
All The Things You Do That Make Me Wonder Why I Love You
Shinny Things That Make Me Think Of You
This Is The Song I Wrote For You
It’s What’s Under Your Skin & Bones That Really Matters
I’m Drawing A Line In The Sand And If You Cross It It Means You Really Do Love Me (Please Cross It, Please)
I Don’t Know If You Know This, But I’m Kind Of In Love With You

Answers you should avoid when filling out your adoption papers

May 29, 2009

Everyone else is doing it
I don’t do men
Women are icky
Finding a child on the black market is more difficult than I expected
I’m stuck in a rut
Babies are so in right now
I haven’t had a drink in 2 hours
Octomom wouldn’t sell me one of hers

The results of a private investigator’s search for an answer to the question posed by the old lady in the Wendy’s commercial, “Where’s the beef?”

May 22, 2009

Sold by the vial at my local gym
In Selma Hayek’s bra
In the top drawer of my ex-girlfriend’s bedside table
On every page of the annual fireman’s calendar
About an hour outside Vegas at the Cottontail Ranch
In the Witness Protection Program
On a farm in Cochrane, Alberta, Canada

Mantras used by Donald Trump to help him get through the day

May 6, 2009

“You’re still a millionaire on paper.”
“Even though people hate you, they respect you to your face.”
“You are a magnificent son of a bitch.”
“Your hair is marvelous.”
“When the bases are loaded in the bottom of the ninth, you want to be at the plate.”
“You are an international brand powerhouse.”
“Your wife loves you for more than your money and power.”
“You will fire someone today.”
“There are more people in the world who are poorer than you than there are richer than you.”
“You are so money and everyone knows it.”
“You’re #15 on the Forbes list but #1 in their hearts.”
“You will financially ruin someone today.”
“If there were a hall of fame for rich business men, you’d be in it.”
“You will not file for bankruptcy again.”

Other things to do with your hands when you throw them in the air besides waving them like you just don’t care

May 1, 2009

Raise the roof
Flip the bird
Fix your hair
Spark your lighter
Hold a runner at third base
Flash the peace sign
Praise the Lord, Hallelujah
Pump your fist
Shine a flashlight in someone’s eyes
Thumbs up
Dramatically unsheathe a sword
Pour one out for your homies who can’t be here
Slap a really tall person in the face

Conversation starters that come in handy when I want to remind people that I recently won the lottery

March 29, 2009

“Sorry I’m late but it’s really difficult to find parking for a helicopter around here.”
“Can you break a $1000?”
“You know, you get a really good workout when you’re walking around in solid gold shoes all day.”
“If you’re wondering why I’m so tanned, it’s because I spent the last week on my yacht.”
“Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should name my private jet?”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I brought my personal chef.”
“If anyone’s looking for me next week, I’ll be vacationing on a space shuttle.”
“Hey, I like your model car. I have one just like it – only real.”
“Are you guys watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Cuz you know, I am one.”
“Did someone say lottery? No? Well, since it came up…”