Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

How fucking good is guacamole?

September 16, 2015

I don’t know about you, but my favourite part of grocery shopping takes place in the produce section when I’m picking out the perfect avocado. I love those bitches so much I don’t even bother getting a basket or cart. I just head right for that crazy fruit and fondle those fuckers until I find a handful that are just right. And by just right I mean they should feel like a fake tit. You know, firm with just a bit of squishiness. That shit gets me so jacked sometimes I totally forget about the rest of the food on my list. I just grab an onion, some cilantro, stuff a few lemons in my pocket, and then its guaca-fucking-mole time, yo.

Let me tell you, that goddamn stuff is perfect for any occasion. Guac on Christmas day? Damn straight. Just bust out some green and red tortillas and it’s on. If colourful chips aren’t good enough for all you fuckers who want to post a pic of your holiday eats on Instagram, then slap a little guacamole down beside your cranberry sauce and you’ve got some seriously festive shit. Double tap that, mofo. You want to fuck around with guac in the fall? BAM! That’s some roasted corn up in there. Summertime twist? Those are cherry tomatoes from my home garden. What’s up now?

Oh, you’re meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Well, when they’re all like, “So, what do you do for a living?” “Oh, how do you afford this place on a freelance writer’s salary?” and, “What’s that smell?” You bust out some guacamole and suddenly motherfuckers are all, “I love guacamole” “Is that cilantro?” and, “What’s that smell?” Then you drop a bowl of hand ground, brick oven baked nacho chips on their ass – bitches flip for that artisanal shit – and they’re so busy going to town on the guac that they finally get off your nut about that “smell”.

Yahtzee! I didn’t just roll a Yahtzee. I’m also chowing down on guacamole while running roughshod over these jokers who think they can out-roll my ass and eat at the same time. That’s right, it’s the perfect dish for game night. You can eat with one hand and play with the other. Full fucking house, bitches.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and ordered guacamole only to have your chips run out before the guac does? Well give that place the finger and pop by my pad, cuz I’ve got every type of chip you can imagine. Chips aren’t your thing? That’s all good, I’ve got crackers. Don’t fuck with crackers? No big deal, slap a big ass dollop of guac on a sandwich. Hell, I’ll get a hooker up in here if you want to eat some off the junk in her trunk. That’s how serious I am about guacamole.

Here’s another helpful hint about that freaky-ass fruit dish: it’s not just delicious every frickin’ day of the year, it’s also lethal. That’s right, pre-guac those sons of bitches double as a beat sack. If you’ve ever laid the smack down on someone with a bag or oranges, you know what I’m talking about. I know it ain’t pretty, but it’s the harsh truth. And it may come in handy the next time you’re heading home from the grocery store with a bag of avocados and a group of guys start asking, “What’s that smell?” and then try to steal your backpack.

Guess what? That’s not the only way it can save your life. Did you know a bowl of guacamole a day keeps the doctor away? Now you do. Because I just heard back from my MD and he told me my motherfucking cholesterol levels are down. And it’s not because I gave up red meat. Or beer. It’s because I eat guacamole every day. Sometimes twice a day. Put that in a bowl with lemon juice, salt and pepper, caramelized onions, and hot sauce and eat it, fuckers.

It’s pretty fucking good.

Saul, the 13th Apostle, catches up after missing the Last Supper.

January 9, 2015

SAUL: Morning guys. Sorry I missed dinner last night. But the baby is due any day now and Magdala found out I hadn’t built the crib, so, you know…

JOHN: Ah, fatherhood. Such a blessing.

SAUL: Yeah, I’m pretty excited. Anyway, what did I miss last night?

MATTHEW: Jesus didn’t tell you?

SAUL: Tell me what?

JOHN: I think it’s best you hear it from him.

SAUL: You’re right here. Why can’t you tell me?

JAMES: John’s right. Jesus should be the one to tell you.

SAUL: But we share everything he tells us. That’s part of our job.

JAMES: This is personal.

SAUL: He told us he’s a virgin. What’s more personal than that?

JOHN: This is kind of a big deal.

SAUL: Now you’ve got to tell me.

BARTHOLOMEW: It’s not really our place to say.

SAUL: Seriously? C’mon guys. You can’t leave me hanging like this. It’s me, Saul. I’m one of the apostles. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell? … Guys?

JAMES: He’s got a point.

JOHN: Go ahead. Tell him.

MATTHEW: Well… he, uh, he said one of us is going to betray him.

SAUL: Betray him? Whothewhathappened?!?

JUDAS: Now before anyone says something they’ll regret, let’s all remember we drank a lot of wine last night – who really knows what was said? I am right?

OMG!!

January 17, 2014

-Hello.

-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

-Rachel? Is that you?

-Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

-What’s going on? Are you ok? Talk to me.

-I’m engaaaaaaged.

-You’re engaged?

-I’m engaged.

-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

-OMG. Details – now.

-He’s a Nigerian prince.

-But you’ve never been to Nigeria.

-He saw a picture on my Facebook page then wrote me this amazing proposal letter.

-That’s soooo romantic.

-Isn’t it? And get this: His family is worth, like, 90 million Niaras.

-Get. Out.

-For real. His face is on a coin.

-Shut up!

-Serious. He sent me one.

-So when are you getting married?

-As soon as he can escape.

-What do mean, escape?

-Poor thing. Rebels have overthrown the government. So his whole family has gone into hiding.

-How awful.

-I know, right. They’ve been striped of their power and can’t access any of their money.

-That must be terrifying.

-That’s exactly how he describes it in his letter. He said he fears for his life everyday and only I can save him.

-For real?

-Totally for real. All I had to do was send him $25,000 so this ex-special soldier guy can smuggle him out of the country and bribe some bankers to release his money.

-It’s like a fairytale.

-That’s what I said. But I’m not supposed to talk about it until he gets here.

-So I can’t call you Princess?

-No. Well, not in front of other people.

-OMG, you’re going to be a princess – a rich princess.

-OMG!!!!

Jesus’ Lament

May 14, 2012

GOD: Happy Easter son.

JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.

GOD: Is everything okay?

JESUS: I guess.

GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?

JESUS: What!?! No.

GOD: Sorry.

JESUS: Whatever.

GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.

JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.

GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.

JESUS: They’re homeless.

GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.

JESUS: It’s a school.

GOD: So?

JESUS: They’re kids.

GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.

JESUS:

GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?

JESUS: A few. I guess.

GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.

JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?

GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?

JESUS: Me.

GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?

JESUS: Me.

GOD:

JESUS: Us.

GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.

JESUS: (Laughs.)

GOD: (Laughs.)

JESUS: Thanks Dad.

GOD: No problem, son.

JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.

GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.

Limited time all-inclusive packages from selloffvacations.com

July 21, 2011

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-to be read Old Man and the Sea by a Hemingway-esqe character
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Sun Worshiper Escape

• Personal towel/lotion boy/girl
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• Complimentary Speedo and/or thong
• 3 open-air restaurants, 2 restaurants with retractable roof
• No dress code (designated nude areas)
• Free Wi-Fi

The final pre-bankruptcy J Peterman catalogue

March 21, 2011

Father of all t-shirts

The t-shirt first appeared on America’s radar when the Navy introduced it as an undershirt. Purpose: To cover up sailors’ chest hair.

Did these hirsute naval officers pioneer the seaman’s love of the t-shirt? No sir. Long before these knights of the open water donned this garment, fishermen along the Mediterranean shucked oysters in it.

Men on every street corner in Europe used its rolled up sleeves to store their cigs.

It’s a formidable look – like that of a clothed panther. Full of machismo. Until the day a smarmy CA tells you your legacy is insolvent and its finely ribbed neck tightens around your throat.

At that very moment it ceases to exist as an icon of style and becomes a sponge for your free flowing tears. The American Dream it once symbolized now ripe with failure.

Men’s sizes: S, M, L, XL, XXL.

Colors: Black, White, French Blue, Heather Grey, Original Navy Blue, Heather Burgundy.

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Toddler’s Rights

December 13, 2010

On Eating

I may tug upon your pant leg and say “egg” over and over and over while leading you by hand to the fridge; I may ask you to open the fridge so that I may grab the eggs from within; I may wrangle a frying pan from the cupboard, drag it to the stove whereupon I may point at the element until you light it; I may jump up and down while you scramble the eggs while now screaming eggs over and over and over; I may, upon completion, guide you to my chair and have you strap me in; I may do this while now singing the word egg over and over and over, and then, when you place the first bite upon my lips, I may spit it back out, smile, and refuse to touch another bite, and you, dear parent, may do nothing at all about it. Unless, of course, you’re hungry and in the mood for eggs.
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I wonder if my date knew I was on extasy?

December 6, 2010

Heeeeeyyyyy. You look sooooo good. And really soft. I bet your elbows are soft. Can I touch them? Okay. Maybe later?

I feel so good right now. Do you feel good? I hope you do, because I feel really good. Do you know what else feels good? The air. The way it… it touches you. It’s like… an… an invisible massage. Are you getting a massage right now? Too bad. I am.

Do you know what feels even better? My feet. I know we’re walking on cement. But I feel like I’m walking on… on a dream. And in my dream I’m wearing cashmere socks in cloud city. But not the Cloud City from Star Wars, a city that’s literally made of…

Oh my God, we should go roll down that hill. Wouldn’t that be so much fun? I bet it would feel so cool. I’m so excited to feel the grass on my skin. Are you coming? Oh. I never really thought about that. I guess we’ll just stick to walking on clouds then.

Here we are. I hope you like tapas. I loooove tapas. It’s such a fun word to say. Tapas. Tapas. Tapas. Tapas. What’s your favourite word to say? I like anything with the letter ‘O’. The way your lips get all buzzy and hummy and what not. It feels so good.

Anyway, you never told me how you feel. If you feel half as good as I do right now, that would make me feel even better. Which would be nuts because I feel really good. And kinda… squishy. Like Jell-O. No… a hard-boiled egg. Here, check it out, touch my knee. That’s cool. Can I touch yours? How about your elbow?

Guess what I did before I picked you up? No. But if I did, it would have felt totally awesome. I cut off the circulation in my hands. When they fell asleep I tried picking things up. It was like I was holding stuff but I wasn’t. But I was, just… just with someone else’s hand. So it didn’t feel like anything but if it did, I know it would have felt great. I did get pins and needles afterwards and that felt super cool.

How rude. I just realized I’ve been talking the entire time. Tell me something about yourself? Tell me about your elbows? They look so soft? But what makes them so soft? I mean, I wouldn’t know from experience, I’d like to, but, anyway, they look soft. Do you rub them a lot? I would. Can I? Still? Alright.

Man’s best friend

May 10, 2010

ANGEL: Sir, there’s a… situation in the Garden of Eden.
GOD: Uh-huh. Come look at this.
ANGEL: It requires your immediate attention.
GOD: It’s my latest creation.
ANGEL: …
GOD: I call it a dog.
ANGEL: Wonderful. Now, if you’ll please…
GOD: Just look at Adam. He wasn’t this happy when I made Eve.
ANGEL: Speaking of Eve, a serpent is trying to make her eat some fruit from the tree of knowledge.
GOD: Hey, watch this. It’s a game they play called “fetch”. Adam throws a stick and the dog… watch this… he fetches it then brings it back.
ANGEL: Sir, she’s going to disobey you.
GOD: Did you see that? What a good boy.
ANGEL: She’s eating…
GOD: Would you agree that they seem like best friends?
ANGEL: Sure.
GOD: I knew it.
ANGEL: …
GOD: Okay, what can I do for you?

What I imagine people are saying about me based on the beer I drink while sitting alone at the bar

April 27, 2010

–Normally I would laugh at a guy with hair like that but since he’s drinking a Canadian, it’s acceptable.
–It’s more than acceptable. It’s fashionable.
–I know what you mean. Even though hockey hair went out of style in the 80s, he totally pulls it off.
–I bet he doesn’t even know how good it looks on him.
–You know, it’s probably not even a style thing. I feel like he’s doing it just because he’s a great hockey player.
-No doubt.
–You know what? As of today, I’m going to start growing out my hair just like him.
–Me too.
–I think we should go talk hair with him.
–I’d love to. But if he thinks someone else is going to copy his hairstyle, he wouldn’t be an original anymore. And I can’t bear the burden of doing that to him.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***
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