Recovering meataholic seeks meat-lover to watch eat

April 16, 2012

Simply put: I want to watch you eat.

I am a recovering meataholic who up until 1 week ago ate meat everyday resulting in extremely high blood pressure, endometrosis and orders from my doctor to “stop eating red meat immediately unless you want go out like Elvis.” I’m looking for a fellow meat lover who will allow me to watch them eat while describing every bite in detail.

If you’re after a long-term relationship/friendship, please look elsewhere. I’m literally only interested in hearing what your meal tastes like. In between bites, if we must talk, I’m into baseball, Conservative bashing, reality TV and juggs. Bottom line: As long as large pieces of red meat are a mainstay in your diet, we can make it work.

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July 21, 2011

Weight Watcher Retreat

• Personal Chef
• Complimentary sweat suit
• In room vending machine restocked daily
• 5 pools, each with a swim up diner
• Daily hot dog and pie eating contest
• Courtesy golf cart for all on-premise transportation
• Free Wi-Fi

Husband/Wife Exchange Package

• Luxury accommodations in same or separate rooms
• Spousal exchange program
• Complimentary sex toy gift basket
• Full-service brothel
• On-premise divorce lawyer
• Free Wi-Fi

Marine Package

• Underwater bedrooms
• Complimentary scuba lesson (sex with instructor included)
• Breakfast/lunch/dinner fish & seafood buffet
• Choice of one (1):
-full day charter fishing trip
-to be read Old Man and the Sea by a Hemingway-esqe character
• Free Wi-Fi

Sun Worshiper Escape

• Personal towel/lotion boy/girl
• In room tanning bed
• Complimentary Speedo and/or thong
• 3 open-air restaurants, 2 restaurants with retractable roof
• No dress code (designated nude areas)
• Free Wi-Fi

The final pre-bankruptcy J Peterman catalogue

March 21, 2011

Father of all t-shirts

The t-shirt first appeared on America’s radar when the Navy introduced it as an undershirt. Purpose: To cover up sailors’ chest hair.

Did these hirsute naval officers pioneer the seaman’s love of the t-shirt? No sir. Long before these knights of the open water donned this garment, fishermen along the Mediterranean shucked oysters in it.

Men on every street corner in Europe used its rolled up sleeves to store their cigs.

It’s a formidable look – like that of a clothed panther. Full of machismo. Until the day a smarmy CA tells you your legacy is insolvent and its finely ribbed neck tightens around your throat.

At that very moment it ceases to exist as an icon of style and becomes a sponge for your free flowing tears. The American Dream it once symbolized now ripe with failure.

Men’s sizes: S, M, L, XL, XXL.

Colors: Black, White, French Blue, Heather Grey, Original Navy Blue, Heather Burgundy.

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Toddler’s Rights

December 13, 2010

On Eating

I may tug upon your pant leg and say “egg” over and over and over while leading you by hand to the fridge; I may ask you to open the fridge so that I may grab the eggs from within; I may wrangle a frying pan from the cupboard, drag it to the stove whereupon I may point at the element until you light it; I may jump up and down while you scramble the eggs while now screaming eggs over and over and over; I may, upon completion, guide you to my chair and have you strap me in; I may do this while now singing the word egg over and over and over, and then, when you place the first bite upon my lips, I may spit it back out, smile, and refuse to touch another bite, and you, dear parent, may do nothing at all about it. Unless, of course, you’re hungry and in the mood for eggs.
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I wonder if my date knew I was on extasy?

December 6, 2010

Heeeeeyyyyy. You look sooooo good. And really soft. I bet your elbows are soft. Can I touch them? Okay. Maybe later?

I feel so good right now. Do you feel good? I hope you do, because I feel really good. Do you know what else feels good? The air. The way it… it touches you. It’s like… an… an invisible massage. Are you getting a massage right now? Too bad. I am.

Do you know what feels even better? My feet. I know we’re walking on cement. But I feel like I’m walking on… on a dream. And in my dream I’m wearing cashmere socks in cloud city. But not the Cloud City from Star Wars, a city that’s literally made of…

Oh my God, we should go roll down that hill. Wouldn’t that be so much fun? I bet it would feel so cool. I’m so excited to feel the grass on my skin. Are you coming? Oh. I never really thought about that. I guess we’ll just stick to walking on clouds then.

Here we are. I hope you like tapas. I loooove tapas. It’s such a fun word to say. Tapas. Tapas. Tapas. Tapas. What’s your favourite word to say? I like anything with the letter ‘O’. The way your lips get all buzzy and hummy and what not. It feels so good.

Anyway, you never told me how you feel. If you feel half as good as I do right now, that would make me feel even better. Which would be nuts because I feel really good. And kinda… squishy. Like Jell-O. No… a hard-boiled egg. Here, check it out, touch my knee. That’s cool. Can I touch yours? How about your elbow?

Guess what I did before I picked you up? No. But if I did, it would have felt totally awesome. I cut off the circulation in my hands. When they fell asleep I tried picking things up. It was like I was holding stuff but I wasn’t. But I was, just… just with someone else’s hand. So it didn’t feel like anything but if it did, I know it would have felt great. I did get pins and needles afterwards and that felt super cool.

How rude. I just realized I’ve been talking the entire time. Tell me something about yourself? Tell me about your elbows? They look so soft? But what makes them so soft? I mean, I wouldn’t know from experience, I’d like to, but, anyway, they look soft. Do you rub them a lot? I would. Can I? Still? Alright.

Man’s best friend

May 10, 2010

ANGEL: Sir, there’s a… situation in the Garden of Eden.
GOD: Uh-huh. Come look at this.
ANGEL: It requires your immediate attention.
GOD: It’s my latest creation.
ANGEL: …
GOD: I call it a dog.
ANGEL: Wonderful. Now, if you’ll please…
GOD: Just look at Adam. He wasn’t this happy when I made Eve.
ANGEL: Speaking of Eve, a serpent is trying to make her eat some fruit from the tree of knowledge.
GOD: Hey, watch this. It’s a game they play called “fetch”. Adam throws a stick and the dog… watch this… he fetches it then brings it back.
ANGEL: Sir, she’s going to disobey you.
GOD: Did you see that? What a good boy.
ANGEL: She’s eating…
GOD: Would you agree that they seem like best friends?
ANGEL: Sure.
GOD: I knew it.
ANGEL: …
GOD: Okay, what can I do for you?

What I imagine people are saying about me based on the beer I drink while sitting alone at the bar

April 27, 2010

–Normally I would laugh at a guy with hair like that but since he’s drinking a Canadian, it’s acceptable.
–It’s more than acceptable. It’s fashionable.
–I know what you mean. Even though hockey hair went out of style in the 80s, he totally pulls it off.
–I bet he doesn’t even know how good it looks on him.
–You know, it’s probably not even a style thing. I feel like he’s doing it just because he’s a great hockey player.
-No doubt.
–You know what? As of today, I’m going to start growing out my hair just like him.
–Me too.
–I think we should go talk hair with him.
–I’d love to. But if he thinks someone else is going to copy his hairstyle, he wouldn’t be an original anymore. And I can’t bear the burden of doing that to him.
–You’re right. Let’s just leave him alone with his beer and his thoughts.

***
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Guided Tour

April 12, 2010

Good morning! and welcome to Toronto! the world’s 37th greatest city according to Lonely Planet. My name is Rory, Rory McGillicuddy, and I’ll be your tour guide today. Before you ask, no, I’m not related to Dr. McGillicuddy of schnapps fame. Sorry. I guess you’ll have to rely on your own private stash of booze to get you though this tour. Ha ha!

I hope you’re all excited – I know I am – because I’m going to show you some parts of the city that aren’t even on the map. Well, technically, they are on the map, but they’re up-and-comers so I guess you could say they’re not on the radar. Yet. Let’s just say they’re on a map of my heart. You know what I mean? Right? Anyways, like my therapists always says, “let’s get this show on the road.”
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The Empire Wants You

March 5, 2010

Are you looking for a more rewarding career? Does the thought of total galactic domination excite you? Would you like to learn how to fatally choke someone using your mind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then a career with the Empire may be right for you. And by picking up this pamphlet you have taken the first step towards changing your life, and the galaxy, forever.
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Mike Kroeger’s unpublished liner notes from Nickelback’s last album Dark Horse

February 16, 2010

Something In Your Mouth

We’re rock stars. What more can I say? (Well, I could tell you that a groupie wrote this song as a joke after Chad couldn’t get it up, but he’ll totally deny it. I could also tell you that I scored with her afterwards.)

Burn It To the Ground

On the surface this song is all about getting wasted. But when you examine the subtext, though it may not be overt, it’s about how Chad got drunk one night before a show, left his flat iron on and almost burned down the Air Canada Centre. I always told him that haircut was going to result in more than ridicule.

Gotta Be Somebody

I wrote this song during the All The Right Reasons tour after watching Chad spend an hour looking in the mirror while flipping his hair.
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