Posts Tagged ‘God’

Jesus’ Lament

May 14, 2012

GOD: Happy Easter son.

JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.

GOD: Is everything okay?

JESUS: I guess.

GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?

JESUS: What!?! No.

GOD: Sorry.

JESUS: Whatever.

GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.

JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.

GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.

JESUS: They’re homeless.

GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.

JESUS: It’s a school.

GOD: So?

JESUS: They’re kids.

GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.

JESUS:

GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?

JESUS: A few. I guess.

GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.

JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?

GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?

JESUS: Me.

GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?

JESUS: Me.

GOD:

JESUS: Us.

GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.

JESUS: (Laughs.)

GOD: (Laughs.)

JESUS: Thanks Dad.

GOD: No problem, son.

JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.

GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.

The Playboy Interview: God

December 9, 2008

ME: I know you’re a busy man, so let’s get right to the big issue: People don’t believe in you like they used to? What happened?
GOD: I’m getting the cover right?
ME: You know this is Playboy, so unless you’re about to transform into Gisele, no.
GOD: But I was told I’d get the cover.
ME: You’ll get a caption on the cover.
GOD: …
ME: Look, if you really want a cover, I’d suggest you give Playgirl a call.
GOD: Really!
ME: No. You’re a bit old.
GOD: I’m God. Of course I’m old
ME: And desperate.
GOD: (Sighs) I know. It’s just the last century has been pretty rough. As you mentioned, people have stopped believing.
ME: Why is that?
GOD: Well, part of it is that I’ve gotten lazy. I just don’t pay attention like I used to. Being omnipresent and omnipotent is demanding. I need a break every now and then.
ME: So what have you been doing?
GOD: Building up my wine collection, playing too much Wii, writing a book and watching a lot of baseball. You don’t think the Red Sox broke the curse without a little divine intervention, do you?
ME: So you’ve turned your back on the faithful?
GOD: People in Boston would disagree with that statement.
ME: What about everyone else?
GOD: Yeah, uh, well… uh, that’s, um, I, uh, guess in a way I haven’t exactly, uh… been there. But I’ve been busy dealing with the whole celebrity Scientology explosion.
ME: Why don’t you do something about it?
GOD: I probably could, but it’s complicated. And if we’re being perfectly honest here, I do get a lot of laughs at their expensive. You know, I was the one who started the whole rumour about Travolta being gay.
ME: Get out!
GOD: Oh yeah. And that shit Cruise pulled on Oprah.
(Points at himself)
ME: No! What else?
(more…)