Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

Saul, the 13th Apostle, catches up after missing the Last Supper.

January 9, 2015

SAUL: Morning guys. Sorry I missed dinner last night. But the baby is due any day now and Magdala found out I hadn’t built the crib, so, you know…

JOHN: Ah, fatherhood. Such a blessing.

SAUL: Yeah, I’m pretty excited. Anyway, what did I miss last night?

MATTHEW: Jesus didn’t tell you?

SAUL: Tell me what?

JOHN: I think it’s best you hear it from him.

SAUL: You’re right here. Why can’t you tell me?

JAMES: John’s right. Jesus should be the one to tell you.

SAUL: But we share everything he tells us. That’s part of our job.

JAMES: This is personal.

SAUL: He told us he’s a virgin. What’s more personal than that?

JOHN: This is kind of a big deal.

SAUL: Now you’ve got to tell me.

BARTHOLOMEW: It’s not really our place to say.

SAUL: Seriously? C’mon guys. You can’t leave me hanging like this. It’s me, Saul. I’m one of the apostles. If you can’t tell me, who can you tell? … Guys?

JAMES: He’s got a point.

JOHN: Go ahead. Tell him.

MATTHEW: Well… he, uh, he said one of us is going to betray him.

SAUL: Betray him? Whothewhathappened?!?

JUDAS: Now before anyone says something they’ll regret, let’s all remember we drank a lot of wine last night – who really knows what was said? I am right?

Jesus’ Lament

May 14, 2012

GOD: Happy Easter son.

JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.

GOD: Is everything okay?

JESUS: I guess.

GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?

JESUS: What!?! No.

GOD: Sorry.

JESUS: Whatever.

GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.

JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.

GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.

JESUS: They’re homeless.

GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.

JESUS: It’s a school.

GOD: So?

JESUS: They’re kids.

GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.

JESUS:

GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?

JESUS: A few. I guess.

GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.

JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?

GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?

JESUS: Me.

GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?

JESUS: Me.

GOD:

JESUS: Us.

GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.

JESUS: (Laughs.)

GOD: (Laughs.)

JESUS: Thanks Dad.

GOD: No problem, son.

JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.

GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.

The Playboy Interview: God

December 9, 2008

ME: I know you’re a busy man, so let’s get right to the big issue: People don’t believe in you like they used to? What happened?
GOD: I’m getting the cover right?
ME: You know this is Playboy, so unless you’re about to transform into Gisele, no.
GOD: But I was told I’d get the cover.
ME: You’ll get a caption on the cover.
GOD: …
ME: Look, if you really want a cover, I’d suggest you give Playgirl a call.
GOD: Really!
ME: No. You’re a bit old.
GOD: I’m God. Of course I’m old
ME: And desperate.
GOD: (Sighs) I know. It’s just the last century has been pretty rough. As you mentioned, people have stopped believing.
ME: Why is that?
GOD: Well, part of it is that I’ve gotten lazy. I just don’t pay attention like I used to. Being omnipresent and omnipotent is demanding. I need a break every now and then.
ME: So what have you been doing?
GOD: Building up my wine collection, playing too much Wii, writing a book and watching a lot of baseball. You don’t think the Red Sox broke the curse without a little divine intervention, do you?
ME: So you’ve turned your back on the faithful?
GOD: People in Boston would disagree with that statement.
ME: What about everyone else?
GOD: Yeah, uh, well… uh, that’s, um, I, uh, guess in a way I haven’t exactly, uh… been there. But I’ve been busy dealing with the whole celebrity Scientology explosion.
ME: Why don’t you do something about it?
GOD: I probably could, but it’s complicated. And if we’re being perfectly honest here, I do get a lot of laughs at their expensive. You know, I was the one who started the whole rumour about Travolta being gay.
ME: Get out!
GOD: Oh yeah. And that shit Cruise pulled on Oprah.
(Points at himself)
ME: No! What else?
(more…)

Potential Epitaphs

November 22, 2008

gravestone

See you in Hell.
I’m going to haunt your ass.
Died fucking.
No thanks.
I see living people.
Where am I?
Gone to lunch. Back in 5 minutes.
Allergic to flowers. But weed is appreciated.
Pour out some beer home boy.
X marks the spot.
WTF.
Jesus doesn’t love me.
Don’t go there.
I would kill for a drink.
Buried treasure. Keep digging.
You’re stepping on my foot.
Fuck off.
Do you have any peanut butter?
Don’t make me roll over.
Je ne sais quoi.
How about a mouth hug?
Hi.
Free at last.
Don’t feel bad, your time is coming.
Stop crying you pussy.