Posts Tagged ‘married’


January 17, 2014



-Rachel? Is that you?

-Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

-What’s going on? Are you ok? Talk to me.

-I’m engaaaaaaged.

-You’re engaged?

-I’m engaged.



-OMG. Details – now.

-He’s a Nigerian prince.

-But you’ve never been to Nigeria.

-He saw a picture on my Facebook page then wrote me this amazing proposal letter.

-That’s soooo romantic.

-Isn’t it? And get this: His family is worth, like, 90 million Niaras.

-Get. Out.

-For real. His face is on a coin.

-Shut up!

-Serious. He sent me one.

-So when are you getting married?

-As soon as he can escape.

-What do mean, escape?

-Poor thing. Rebels have overthrown the government. So his whole family has gone into hiding.

-How awful.

-I know, right. They’ve been striped of their power and can’t access any of their money.

-That must be terrifying.

-That’s exactly how he describes it in his letter. He said he fears for his life everyday and only I can save him.

-For real?

-Totally for real. All I had to do was send him $25,000 so this ex-special soldier guy can smuggle him out of the country and bribe some bankers to release his money.

-It’s like a fairytale.

-That’s what I said. But I’m not supposed to talk about it until he gets here.

-So I can’t call you Princess?

-No. Well, not in front of other people.

-OMG, you’re going to be a princess – a rich princess.



Ask a Douche Bag with the guy from The Hills

December 29, 2008

Q: From everything I’ve read in the gossip mags, your special lady friend’s Mom hates your guts. My girl’s parents feel the same way about me. Anyway, I heard you two ran away and got married. I’m thinking about doing the same thing and I’m wondering, after we’re hitched, will they feel differently about me?

-Wants to Elope

A: Clearly you’re not up-to-date on your gossip dipshit. If you were, you’d know we faked the whole thing. It was all a publicity stunt to fan the flames of our dying popularity. And it totally backfired. People think we’re no-talent fame whores (duh) and Heidi’s parents gave me a headless voodoo doll for my birthday. So yeah, they feel differently–they hate me even more now.