Posts Tagged ‘water into wine’

Jesus’ Lament

May 14, 2012

GOD: Happy Easter son.

JESUS: Yeah. Thanks.

GOD: Is everything okay?

JESUS: I guess.

GOD: Come on, you can tell your old man. Is this about dying a virgin?

JESUS: What!?! No.

GOD: Sorry.

JESUS: Whatever.

GOD: So… what’s going on? This should be a happy day. The world is celebrating your resurrection.

JESUS: Are they? Look at them. They don’t worship me anymore. Nobody observes Lent nowadays. People just want to eat, drink and sin.

GOD: That’s not true. Look… look at those people. I’ve been watching closely and they’ve been fasting for over a week.

JESUS: They’re homeless.

GOD: Ok then… uh… over there. That whole building is filled with people who have given up pleasures of the flesh.

JESUS: It’s a school.

GOD: So?

JESUS: They’re kids.

GOD: Hey, abstinence is abstinence.

JESUS:

GOD: Alright, tell me this: How many people wear a gold plated tribute to you around their neck?

JESUS: A few. I guess.

GOD: A few… a few… try a few million.

JESUS: More like a few hundred million. But who’s counting?

GOD: That’s more like it. And tell me this? When they’re born again, who do they say they’ve found?

JESUS: Me.

GOD: And when they pray, whom do they pray to?

JESUS: Me.

GOD:

JESUS: Us.

GOD: Plus, last time I checked, they still eat your body and drink your blood.

JESUS: (Laughs.)

GOD: (Laughs.)

JESUS: Thanks Dad.

GOD: No problem, son.

JESUS: Hey, you wanna go turn some water into wine? It’ll be just like old times.

GOD: It wouldn’t be Easter if we didn’t.

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Jesus needs a roommate

July 30, 2009

MARY: Honey, I’m home.
JOSEPH: (Appears in the hallway with his arms folded across his chest looking rather perturbed.)
MARY: I hope you’re hungry because the lamb shanks I got could feed an… what?
JOSEPH: I’ve had it. I can’t deal with him anymore. He’s… I don’t… he just… it’s time he moved out.
MARY: What did he do this time?
JOSEPH: You know Abraham who lives down the street?
MARY: Yeah. Of course.
JOSEPH: Well, Jesus thought he would test Abraham’s devotion to God¬
MARY: How sweet?
JOSEPH: By having him sacrifice his son, Isaac.
MARY: What? That’s crazy. Human sacrifice. No… I don’t… he wouldn’t…
JOSEPH: He did.
MARY: (Sheer terror washes over her face.)
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