I am now accepting applications for the seat in my sidecar

Do you enjoy watching the sites whiz by at 100 mph? Do you love the sensation of the wind whipping through your mustache? Do you appreciate the nutritional value that comes with swallowing a bug? If any of these queries even remotely tickles your fancy then have I got some exciting news for you: The seat in my sidecar is now up for grabs.

As you rush off to update your resume, let me tell you a bit about myself, my bike Esmeralda, and lay down a few ground rules.

As the sole owner and operator, I am the one and only pilot – which is also one of the names that I ask for you to refer to me by. I’m also cool with: El Roaderino, Colonel Asphalt, or Bossanova (Boss for short).

Don’t worry, when in the mini-saddle you’ll have a road-worthy moniker too. Something like Side Pilot, or, depending on the journey, Little Leroy, #2, Starboard Admiral or Trooper.

As the Pilot, I will be responsible for choosing each destination, planning the route, selecting the playlist and scheduling pit stops. Now if you’re wondering: “What am I gonna do?” Let me tell you that, as the Side Pilot, first, you’ll have a number of responsibilities and second, you better check that attitude at the garage door.

When we’re on the road, I can’t stress enough how important communication is to the team. For starters, while I’m focused on the road, and our safety, I’ll be relying on your eyes to constantly be on the lookout for cops. As we’ll be travelling well in excess of the speed limit, tickets can get pricey and, as #2, you’ll be on the hook for half, so I need you to keep your eyes peeled at all times.

Next, when word comes through the headpiece that I need to go before a scheduled pit stop, you’ll be in charge of scanning the roadside for a suitable tree, or bush if necessary. When one is found, I’ll expect either a verbal heads-up or a hand signal (as outlined in the team manual) at least 500 feet beforehand.

Finally, when we’re not rocking out to one of my killer road trip playlists, I enjoy nothing more than a little friendly banter. So I’ll expect you to stay up-to-date on the latest current events, sports headlines and, for shits and giggles, some juicy celebrity gossip.

This brings us to the physical requirements I demand from a Side Pilot. Obviously, sidecars aren’t built to transport giants. So I’m looking for someone who is small, but dense. We need a little weight to keep the car grounded when cornering.

A mustache is also mandatory. Now I’m not particular as to the type you grow, but I do think a handlebar or a big Sam Elliot-style mustachio suit the bike quite nicely.

Another important trait is drinking. Road trips are all about camaraderie and nothing brings that out like a few frosty ales. Rest assured my drinking only takes place when we make camp for the night. And by camp I mean camping out at the bar in whatever hotel we’re staying at. (In separate rooms in case you’re wondering.)

It’s also helpful to know you’ve been in a few tussles during your time. I know I can take care of myself but I have to know you’ve got my back, just in case things get a little hairy. This is the open road after all.

As we tick more miles off the old odometer together, this will all become second nature to you. And before long, we’ll be singing along to Foreigner and sharing the beauty of the open road like only a Pilot and Side Pilot can.

So welcome to the team, Trooper. Jump in, strap up, comb your mustache and hang on for what will surely be the ride of your life.

Tags: bar fight, growing a mustache, riding in a sidecar, road trip