Hostessing tips from Martha Stewart’s college roommate

Those intimate gatherings filled with sparkling conversation and mouth-watering morsels you always dreamed of hosting can now come together in a pinch without any of the help and know-how you normally rely on from some overpriced catering company. And if a certain someone hadn’t listened intently as I poured out all my hopes and dreams in a post-coital haze and then stolen them from me, I would be publishing this advice in my very own magazine. But that’s not what this is about. This is about your night in the spotlight. So let’s get back to you. Whether you’re entertaining a party of ten, six or just one, a few simple steps are all it takes. Like, for example, the self-serve bar. It’s a great place to direct your guests upon arrival and really helps to kick-start the evening. In fact, I’m going to help myself to a cocktail right now. One, two, three, four, five parts vodka, an olive, and viola! I’m refreshed and ready to mingle.

Please welcome tonight’s guest

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honour to introduce to you tonight’s opening act. You know him from the small screen, the silver screen, the many magazine covers he has graced, well, I could go on but you’d rather listen to him than me, so I won’t.

Now before I bring him out, there are a few ground rules I need to go over with you first. So please listen closely as these are important to both your safety and chances of you being able to view his show in its entirety.

First, and most important, please fill out and sign the release form you found waiting on your seats. Anyone who does not will be asked to leave the theatre immediately as we cannot be held responsible for what takes place during the show.

Great. I’m glad so many of you chose to stay.

I am Halloween, motherfuckers.

Break out your freaky pumpkins you sons of bitches because it’s time to scare the fuck out of people and eat shitloads of candy. And I don’t know about you, but this year I’m going make some fuckers crap their pants. In fact, I’m about to head to the morgue to borrow a body or two for my lawn – none of that fake fucking dummy shit for me. Hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll have a decapitation and I’ll take the headless body, put it on a horse and let that fucker run wild around my property all Sleepy Hollow-like. Man, my shit is going to be terrifying. When trick or treaters roll up they’re gonna be like, “Holy shitballs this place is fucking freaky as Hell”. Then when they approach my porch and have to step over a dead body they’ll be all like, “What’s that smell?” and I’m gonna be like, “Check your pants.”

The 5th dentist

4th DENTIST: Jesus. You’re killing me here. Just say yes already.
2nd DENTIST: Seriously, what’s your problem?
5th DENTIST: I’m just not comfortable endorsing this product. I can’t in good conscience recommend it to my patients. Or to all of America for that matter.
4th DENTIST: Agree to disagree.
1st DENTIST: I can think of 250,000 reasons why you should screw your conscience.
3rd DENTIST: And since when did anyone start caring about the rest of the country. We’re capitalists for Christ sake.
2nd DENTIST: Besides, we all know you’ve done this before.
5th DENTIST: As a matter of fact, I haven’t.
3rd DENTIST: I guess that’s why you’re driving a Saab.
4th DENTIST: You know it’s anonymous right? To the public, you’re just a number. 5 out of 5 dentists recommend…
5th DENTIST: But I’ll know. I’ll know.
2nd DENTIST: You know what I think? We should load this guy up on nitrous oxide. After 200 mills of that stuff, he’ll see things our way.
1st DENTIST: Or we could give him a root canal – without any anesthetic.
3rd DENTIST: You know you’re the reason the public has such a low opinion of us. 4 out 5 is just embarrassing. It says we don’t trust each other.
4th DENTIST: Do the letters D.M.D mean nothing to you?
5th DENTIST: Does the word ethics mean nothing to you?
4th DENTIST: God! You touch one breast while a patient’s under…
5th DENTIST: You did what to a patient?
4th DENTIST: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about you leaving us in the lurch.
5th DENTIST: No, this is about integrity.
1st DENTIST: Ah, screw this guy. I’m taking my cheque and leaving.
3rd DENTIST: You’re right. I take back what I said. 4 out 5 ain’t bad. Hell, we’re in the majority.
2nd DENTIST: Yeah. Suck it monkey.

My life as a crossing guard

Why, you may ask, would a young boy dream of growing up to be a crossing guard when so many other promising careers (janitor, drug dealer, paper shredder) had presented themselves to him? Beside the obvious power you can lord over children, there is a certain amount of prestige one earns from wielding a miniature stop sign and sporting a fluorescent vest in the face of oncoming traffic. And, of course, there are the perks. I was lucky enough to learn all these marvelous things at the tender age of 8 from Reginald, our local crossing guard. Or, as he liked to be called, El Captain de Asphalto. El Cap Asso for short.

Rejected Penthouse Forum letters

Confection Connection

We met in line at the Vanni Bros. Bakery. She was number 9. I was 13. The attraction was instant – if you saw her ankles, you’d know why. Our body language said, “How you doin?” but the flirtatious glances said more. The connection was further confirmed when we realized we both ordered the same confectionery: chocolate truffle cake.

At the cash register, I learned hers was for a party at her sister’s. Mine, on the other hand, was to help me cope with another big loss by my beloved Toronto Blue Jays – and the $1,000 it cost me. Anyway, when I left she was waiting outside, smoking. If you’d seen the way she inhaled, you’d further understand the attraction.

As she ground out her cigarette, she asked for a ride to the party. Before I knew it she was feeding me cake by hand while screaming out directions. I was so caught up in the cake, and her fingers, I hardly realized we were at the party. The next thing I knew she out of the car. I never even knew her name. Plus, I had no more cake.

Unlucky #13

****

Oprah gets a job at Starbucks

Hi! Welcome to Starbucks! How may I help you!?

Oh, a venti cocoa latte. You know, that used to be my drink, too.

I know. It’s like a little bit of liquid heaven in your mouth.

Me too. It was my “escape” snack. Which, if you saw my show January, 22nd 2009, you’d know is totally acceptable three to four times a day during the first quarter of a diet makeover. Or at least I thought so. Then my good friend, Dr. Oz, sat me down for a little chat. And do you know what he said to me? He said, “Oprah, the fattiest, most caloric drink at Starbucks is not a part of the diet makeover we set up for you.” And he was right. I was eating so well – but I wasn’t losing any weight. It was a real Ah-ha moment. So I cut them out. Cold turkey.

Of course I didn’t stop coming to Starbucks. I just switched drinks. Now, I treat myself to two short Americanos everyday.

I know it’s watered down and doesn’t have the creamy deliciousness of our old drink, but with only 6 calories and 0 grams of fat, it’s great for our diet.

Why do I keep saying we? Because I’ve been down the road you’re on. And, as a friend, I’m just reaching out to share what worked for me; letting you know it can work for you, too. I just don’t want to see things… escalate.

Though Robert Palmer “Didn’t Mean To Turn You On”, he did mean to:

Take you out and show you a good time
Try to be nice
Play hard to get while simultaneously charming your pants off
Speak in innuendos he had no intention of following through on
Take you home then tell you he had to get up early tomorrow
Not give in to your promiscuous ways
Tease you
Turn you on

Y.E. Yang needs a new interpreter

Yang became the first Asian-born player to win a major Sunday with a stunning performance in the PGA Championship, memorable as much for his clutch shots as the player he beat: The mighty Tiger Woods.

-Associated Press

First and foremost, I do not want to thank God. My life is complete without him and everything I do is in no way because of him.

Second, I would like to say to my wife and family, I probably would have been standing in this place many more times, and had many more trophies, had it not been for you. You have never been there for me. In this moment, the greatest of my life, I want you to know that you mean nothing to me.

Side effects may include…

Welcome to FenilTech Laboratories and thank you for joining us as we prepare to launch our latest over the counter mood alteration pharmaceutical.

This is a big step not only for FTL, but the entire industry. Needless to say, the staff are very excited about Zephenal PX – you can call it by it’s street name, Zeppelin, like the airship, not the band – and we look forward to seeing how it will change your life.

Before we get started and you sign the commitment papers, there are a few things I need to discuss with you.

If you flip to page 17 of your handbook, you’ll find Appendix A, which lists Zephenal’s “side effects”. FDA regulations demand that we call them “side effects”, but at FTL we prefer to call them Alternative Performance Boosters, or APBs as they’re known around the lab.

Another FDA regulation stipulates that I take you through all the APBs before we begin testing the drug, so let’s get started, shall we?

Okay.